Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD
- Thread starter Garlic Klopp
- Start date
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‘Journalist’, “Mr. Malema, first of all, is it true that you are the bread winner in your family.”
'Malema', “ I am not hearing that allegation for the first time, I have been hearing it for some time, I know this allegation is coming from my political enemies who want to tarnish my image. I want to tell you that I have never been in any competition to win bread. Ask them where I won that bread. If anyone saw me entering a competition to win bread, then they must provide the evidence otherwise I will start suing anyone saying I am a bread winner, yes including you reporters and your newspapers.”
'Malema', “ I am not hearing that allegation for the first time, I have been hearing it for some time, I know this allegation is coming from my political enemies who want to tarnish my image. I want to tell you that I have never been in any competition to win bread. Ask them where I won that bread. If anyone saw me entering a competition to win bread, then they must provide the evidence otherwise I will start suing anyone saying I am a bread winner, yes including you reporters and your newspapers.”
- May 22, 2011
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Why did the Chuckle Brothers start working for British Gas?
To meter you.
To meter you.
A 12 year old girl was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside her and the window was wound down.
I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car, said the male driver.
"No way, get stuffed", replied the girl.
How about a bag of lollies and £10 asked the driver?
"No way" , replied the irritated youngster.
"What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY quid, eh"? quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking girl.
"No, I'n not getting in the car!" answered the girl.
"OK, I know what you want - I'll give you £100 and a bag of lollies" the driver offered.
"NO," screamed the girl.
What will it take to get you into the car"? asked the driver sighing.
The girl replied: "Listen Dad, you brought a f*cking Renault- you live with it!"
I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car, said the male driver.
"No way, get stuffed", replied the girl.
How about a bag of lollies and £10 asked the driver?
"No way" , replied the irritated youngster.
"What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY quid, eh"? quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking girl.
"No, I'n not getting in the car!" answered the girl.
"OK, I know what you want - I'll give you £100 and a bag of lollies" the driver offered.
"NO," screamed the girl.
What will it take to get you into the car"? asked the driver sighing.
The girl replied: "Listen Dad, you brought a f*cking Renault- you live with it!"
The corporate boat race
An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be. The Japanese team won by a mile.
Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action. Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering.
The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure. After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it.
The next year the Japanese team won by two miles. The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be. The Japanese team won by a mile.
Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action. Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering.
The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure. After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it.
The next year the Japanese team won by two miles. The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
The plane leaves JFK airport under the control of a Jewish
Captain. His co-pilot is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish Captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese...'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'Why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why.'
'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese. Doesn't matter, you're all alike.'
There's a few minutes of silence...
'I no rike Jews. the co-pilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic.' says the co-pilot.
'What? That's insane. Jews didn't sink the Titanic.' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg.'
'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , no mattah...all same.'......
Captain. His co-pilot is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish Captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese...'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'Why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why.'
'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese. Doesn't matter, you're all alike.'
There's a few minutes of silence...
'I no rike Jews. the co-pilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic.' says the co-pilot.
'What? That's insane. Jews didn't sink the Titanic.' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg.'
'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , no mattah...all same.'......
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”
The third fellow says, “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”
The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” they asked. “She said, ‘get out from under the bed and fight like a man’.”
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”
The third fellow says, “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”
The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” they asked. “She said, ‘get out from under the bed and fight like a man’.”
A kid playing in the street finds an old welder's helmet. He puts it on and starts running about like he's Boba Fett.
Soon a car pulls up and the passenger door opens. A dubious old man, who may have been a radio DJ at one time, says to the kid, "Hey, would you like to see some puppies?"
The kid nods and gets in the car.
As they're driving along, the sleazy old man says to the kid, "Have you ever seen a man's penis?"
The kid says, "No, I'm not a real welder."
Soon a car pulls up and the passenger door opens. A dubious old man, who may have been a radio DJ at one time, says to the kid, "Hey, would you like to see some puppies?"
The kid nods and gets in the car.
As they're driving along, the sleazy old man says to the kid, "Have you ever seen a man's penis?"
The kid says, "No, I'm not a real welder."
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”
Q: What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
A: The wheelchair
A: The wheelchair
.
Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now. ....I think you bring me bad luck!"
Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!
Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!
Lifted from a thread on the Hull board.........
A man calls his mother in Israel: "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak." The son says, "Why are you so weak?" She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
A man calls his mother in Israel: "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak." The son says, "Why are you so weak?" She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
If Hilary Clinton wins the U.S. Presidential election, it will mark the first time in history that two U.S. Presidents have slept together.
If Donald Trump wins the U.S. Presidential election, it will mark the first time in history that a billionaire will move into public housing vacated by a black family.
If Donald Trump wins the U.S. Presidential election, it will mark the first time in history that a billionaire will move into public housing vacated by a black family.
A kid was taking a shower with his mom and asks, "what are those things on your chest?" Not wanting to answer she changed the subject.
The next day the boy went up to his dad and asked "What are those things on Mommy's chest?" he replied "They are Hot Air Balloons so when Mommy dies they will inflate and she will float to heaven.
A couple weeks later the father comes home early and his son runs out and says "Daddy, Daddy, Mom is dying"
the father asks "what are you talking about?"
"Well, Uncle Harry is blowing up her balloons and she's yelling
"Oh God. I'm coming'"
The next day the boy went up to his dad and asked "What are those things on Mommy's chest?" he replied "They are Hot Air Balloons so when Mommy dies they will inflate and she will float to heaven.
A couple weeks later the father comes home early and his son runs out and says "Daddy, Daddy, Mom is dying"
the father asks "what are you talking about?"
"Well, Uncle Harry is blowing up her balloons and she's yelling
"Oh God. I'm coming'"