Jokes

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Heavy Metal Toon

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What's the difference between Sunderlands team and a nappy?

Nothing. **** at the back and piss upfront.

What's the difference between the stadium of light and a Hedgehog?

A Hedgehog has pricks on the outside.

Whats the difference between a mackem lass and a bowling ball?

Nothing. Both go down an alley way and get poked every night.

How do you know if a Mackem has bugerled your house?

The bin is empty, and the cat is pregnant.



Can you do better?
 
Its existence has often been pilloried by a city located further north and the expenditure to build it and maintain it is now leaving a bitter taste in the mouth for many residents of Sunderland.

Local councillor Niall Quinn stated ‘It’s been a great success if we’re honest and it’s been a beacon of light in the darkest times so I can’t see why some residents are complaining about it. I guess last year it was surplus to requirements but let’s all be honest here; it’s not as if time is static. It was a great addition to local life in years gone by and it may be called upon to do so again. It enhanced the city and relieved the gloom. So what if it’s not entirely useful at the moment.”

Acting Regional Director of the Local Environment Steve Bruce added “I can guarantee that people will once again look at it in the usual way after a few more years. It was built to last and provide a quality of life that many would never have thought possible. So it’s not really in use at the moment but that’ll change.”

Local resident Sgt Patterson complained though. “Its not needed now like. Things have changed. We’re better now and we don’t need it anymore. It’s bright now; really bright.”

It seems that local residents are now divided on the need for the National Glass Centre to reflect light into the once perpetual shadow that is cast upon them from the great city of Newcastle to the North.

The last word went to Mr Bruce in the debate. “Trust me. Give me another year before you judge me on this.”
 
BREAKING NEWS

Sunderland have been fined £600,000 for fielding a weakened team in all 24 of their matches
 
A man is in the bath with his 3 year old son.
Hi son ask's - ''Daddy, why is your cock bigger than mine''?
Dad replies '' cos mine's erect son''.

Boom boom.


A man goes to the doctors and say's ''doc, every time I have sex doggie style my back really hurts''.
doc say's ''try a different position then!''
Man say's ''I would but the dog keeps licking my mouth''

That is all
 
Nasa are planning to use the stadium of light as a traing centre for future astronaughts.
This is because they believe this is the only place on earth with no atmosphere.
 
I blew this chance to get on a great looking woman the other night she came back to mine so i started making the drinks and she came in and said do you want any tea with your sugar i replied "would you like and coffee with your rohypnol . . . . oh
 
Me: Can I have a shag?
Girl: No!
Me: Wait! I don't think you heard me correctly...
Girl: Oh, I think I did...
Me: Fine then, what did I say?
Girl: "Can I have a shag?"

And that, Your Honour, is why it wasn't rape.
 
An oldie but a goodie:

A Mackem and a Geordie were walking along, arguing about football as usual. The Mackem kicks a bottle absent-mindedley. Instantly a genie appears and says "Your wish is my command, master. Anything you wish will happen."

The Mackem, at first taken aback, says: "you mean absolutely anything?"

"Anything, master."

"Right, I'm absolutely sick of Geordies. I want a wall around Sunderland to keep the buggers out."

Instantly a twelve foot wall appears around Sunderland.

The genie addresses the Geordie: "And what is your wish, Sir?"

"Let me get something straight first about this wall. Nothing can get in or out, right?"

"Not the smallest thing in existence, Sir."

"Right, start filling Sunderland up with water then."
 
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

Iron Man is a superhero, Iron Woman is an instruction!
 
A woman was cooking herself a breakfast of fried eggs. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! Where are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”.

The bemused woman stared at her husband. “What in the world is wrong with you?” she asked. “You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?” The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
 
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