50 shades of grey He was in blissful ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face as he enjoyed the moment. His wife moved forwards, then backwards, forwards, then backwards again... and again...and again, back and forth...back and forth...in and out...in and out...in and out...........in and out, ever so slowly and gently trying to draw in and use every inch. Her heart was pounding....pounding that she felt it would burst from her chest......her face was flushed............she was dripping with perspiration, then she moaned, oh so softly at first, then she began to groan louder and louder and louder. Till finally and totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream, a scream that shook him to the very core and she shuddered to a sudden halt. Her whole body was taut and stretched her face like crimson, finally gasping for every breath she said: "OK!!, OK!! So I CAN'T parallel park the f**kin car!!!!"
Prince Charles is on an official tour of Scotland, ahead of the independence vote. Visiting an Edinburgh hospital, he enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one. The patient replies: "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o the puddin race, Aboon them a ye take yer place, Painch, tripe or thairm, As langs my airm." His Royal Highness is confused. He just smiles and moves on to the next patient and says “Hello – what’s up with you, old fellow?” The patient responds: "Some hae meat an canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat an we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit." Even more confused, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant: "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty, O the panic in thy breasty, Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle." Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "Is this a psychiatric ward?" "No," replies the doctor, "This is the serious Burns unit."
Malc stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.. Finally his exasperated partner asked, 'What the heck is taking so long?' 'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Malc explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.' His companion said, 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here.'
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death
A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy," I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?" "New Zealand, sir," the boy replied. "Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there." "Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand !" "Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"
