One of McCoist's garden gnomes is off on his holidays and McCoist wants Maloney to stand in for him while he's away.
I saw a porn movie a couple of weeks ago where this short Scottish guy goes round to his mates house. His friend isn't in so he ends up banging his mate's mum in the kitchen. The guy is the spitting image of Maloney. I'll post a link if I come across it again (no pun intended).
Imagine reaching the point of exit and who's face is on the screen at the time - Shaun Maloney! That's horrible. That reminds me of the "Pornalikes" section in some lads mag like FHM or something years ago. I fondly remember the Carol Vorderman-alike. I really should dig that one out.