A mate of mine asked me "What's your pet hate?" "Well, he doesn't like me sticking my cock up his arse" I replied.
A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings. "Mum," said the boy, "What are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work", she replied. The taxi driver turns round and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes got wide and he said, "Is that true, Mum?" His mother, glaring hard at the taxi driver, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asked, "Mum, what happens to their babies?" "Most of them become taxi drivers", she said.
BREAKING: After finding a half-eaten Findus lasagne in his fridge, police have charged Andy Carroll with cannibalism.
Topical humour on Valentine's day. She's a friend of the family who's appeared at the last two Edinburgh Fringes, so a bit of blatant promotion, sorry! [video=youtube;I_o1FwoWmYA]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_o1FwoWmYA[/video]
I hate weddings because old people always poke you and say "You're next." So I started doing the same **** to them at funerals.
Time to settle an age old question. What is the more painful, giving birth or getting a kick in the bollocks ?. Well a woman would say giving birth, but if this were true why would she say after a couple of years " Think it would be nice to have another baby ". I have never ever heard a man say " I think another kick in the bollocks would be nice ". I rest my case.
My 11 year old daughter came up to me and asked, "Daddy, what does 'anal' mean?" "It means once a year, love." I said, looking at my wife. I walked past a lorry earlier that kept saying, "I am reversing, I am reversing." It was an articulate lorry.
Allegedly true, this one! A woman boards a service bus in Liverpool and says to the driver, "Is this bus going to Speke?" "No lady," says the driver, "it's just an inarticulate lorry!"
Bloke walks into a pub and says to the landlord " Good evening landlord, may I have a lint of pager?" The landlord replies " Sorry mate I didn't quite catch that " The fella says again " Lint of pager please " Landlord " Lint of pager...do you mean pint of lager?" The bloke says " I'm so sorry I did mean pint of lager, I've been getting my words mixed up all day and it's concerning me " The landlord says " I wouldn't worry too much, only this morning the wife came downstairs and I said .....good morning my sweetness of joy, let me get you a lovely cup of tea, make you a full English breakfast whilst you sit down and read the paper. What I mean't to say was " You fat, f*cking miserable ugly bastard, your very existence on this planet makes me f*cking weep "
A man dies and arrives in the reception area for Hell, the Devil himself comes out to welcome him and invites him inside, where he espys a plush carpeted room with comfortable sofas everywhere. The Devil says, "make yourself comfy and let me take your order,anything you want, just ask!" The man thinks for a moment, then asks for a bottle of whisky and a gorgeous blonde. Within a minute, a heavenly blonde comes up to him with a large bottle of whisky on a tray. As she puts the tray down, the man notices the tray is covered in whisky leaking from the bottom of the bottle! "Hey," says the man, "this bottle has got a hole in it!" "That's the hell of it," says the Devil, "the bottle has, the girl hasn't!"
As a bus driver I get this all the time. Driver, how long will the next bus be? Me: 40 foot, the same as this one!
IF ONLY THIS COULD BE REAL;;;;;;;;;;;;;; Subject: Heard in Church In church I heard a lady in the pew, next to me, saying a prayer. It was so sweet, and sincere that I just had to share with you: "Dear Lord, This has been a tough two or three years. You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze. My favourite musician Michael Jackson. My favourite Blues Singer Amy Winehouse. My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor. My favourite singer Whitney Houston. And now my favourite astronomer Sir Patrick Moore. I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are.... Ed Miliband, Tony Blair, Gordon Brown, and that sh!t Ed Balls" Amen.
