Hello all, I have a situation that needs the help of the 606 glitterati, so do pass on your wisdom. I have arranged a work outing to Bath racecourse tomorrow evening (Beer and Jazz - Nice!!) and I need to look like a bigger smart ass than I am already. Therefore I am asking my learned friends to give me some ideas of what to talk about in regards the condition/scope/wellbeing of the horses and also any selections or views on the card!!
Unless all your work mates are interested in horse racing aswell, then you will bore them to tears, if you start talking that bollocks.* The best way to impress them is by giving them a winner, there not going to give a monkeys about Desperate Dan looking good in his coat *
Cor blimey is there anything more dank and depressing than a work related outing. I hope you are on ‘double time’ for its duration, old boy. It actually looks a nice card at Bath and the field sizes and openness of the heats are quite attractive for betting purposes. Although in saying that the combined prizemoney total of less than £30k is totally and utterly disgraceful. Perhaps as a result you could have a 10 minute rant to the old colleagues about the woeful standard of British racing at the moment. Meanwhile, the old weather forecast for tomorrow ain’t great so reminisce about previous visits ‘up the hill’ when the elements have been horrendous. I’m sure everyone will find your anecdotes most humorous. Also encourage everyone to do the ‘Placepot’ as due to the aforesaid openness of the races returns could be massive and if someone does win it your star will be in the ascendancy for promoting such a wager. Gordon Flash making his bow for Charlie Hills (6.30) looks the most interesting, on the card, to me if he is fit enough after a 22 month absence. More so as he has a rating as low as 63. The 8.10 looks one of the hardest heats to work out that I’ve ever seen meanwhile and I’m sure that there are more plots contained within than in an Agatha Christie novel. Roger Charlton’s Supreme Quest looks a well above average runner in the all-aged maiden (8.40) whilst perhaps the most intriguing question of the evening is will old boy Laser Blazer finally get his head in front (9.10) after several, and I do mean several, near misses???
Nass you could go all Swiss Toni and start waffling on about how picking a horse is like making love to a beautiful woman in the first race... 'Checking the details of a second-hand car - substitute for horse - is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, verify her year of origin. She may look like she rolled off the production line in 1990 but who's to say the fellow before you didn't give her a good spraying?' And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money. - Just like you do at the bookies when all your horses come in last... you need therapy... Other than that pick winners from each race and the nights racing and it will be a success...
Just show up with shirt buttoned up wrong and smelling of grog. Raise you voice in pitch and take the piss as much as possible. Always worked for me. PS make sure your shirt is only partially tucked in.
I could give you my selections for each race. That will be one of your biggest aids. please log in to view this image
Here you go: 18.00 Hurricane In Dubai 18.30 Ostentation 19.00 Strong Conviction 19.35 I See You 20.10 Rulesn'regulations 20.40 Supreme Quest (nap) 21.10 Passato There should be, at most, one winner there.
Just disgrace yourself Nass by behaving like the worst betting shop punter you have ever seen. It will be necessary to shout your horse home by It's jockey's first name and then swear at him for getting beat and proclaim it all a big con and that he lost on purpose. If you get a winner rather than collect straght away remember show everyone your slip with the thumb over the stake so no one notices you did all that shouting for £2 ew. After this drink way too much and start a fight with some innocent racegoer attempting to enjoy themselves peacefully. When the drink inside you moves you on from violent to peaceful and friendly start a philosophical debate on just how despite 2 months of monsoon weather Bath's going remains Firm, then broaden it out with how during the scorching summer of 76 Chepstow remained consistently Soft with heavy patches. All this should leave your work collegues very impressed and eager to get involved again. On a serious note though you are walking a tightrope as if they know it's your thing they will follow your selections to a man hoping to make a few quid and you will either become a hero or laughing stock. I have been both in my time with non-racing friends having given four or five good winners on a card but also having gone through a one without a place even though one race only had 4 runners. Hope you have a good night, give us a write up on it afterwards.
Pull down your pants, grab your balls and say ''it's everyman for themselves'',then walk away and let them discuss..
Bluesky....When I used to run my own shop, back in the day, I used to come across plenty of those punters.* I hate the punter who backs the favourite blindly every race, and then assumes the favourite has some sort of divine right to run a good race, and if the favourite isn't in the shake up, then they claim the race is bent. Though the actual reason may well be that the favourite has never run on soft ground, or rock hard ground, or over the distance, plus many other reasons. They just assume that because it's favourite and it's ran a stinker that the race is bent.* Then you get the wolly that ridicules a jockey for not whipping the **** out of a horse, claiming that jockey is deliberately not trying. Despite the fact the race is either a maiden or a beginners chase, were most of the horses are just running for experience. It just annoys me when people who know next to nothing about racing, bet blindly on it and then moan that racings bent, without realising the reasons behind horses defeats. Obviously corruption does go on in racing, as it does in every other sport that you can bet on, but I genuinely believe from studying the form for over 20 years that 99% of races are legite.* Because most punters know nothing about racing, they just call a race bent because the jolly has run a shocker, yet they don't call Man Utd bent for losing at home to Blackburn, *do they? *
Nass - I like a sprinter to have plenty of meat about the hind quarters. So basically, when viewing the contenders for the sprint race, point out the ones with the biggest arses and say "that'll go well, plenty of substance about it's hind quarters"
I am sure you will be pleased to hear there is no advice from me techno specks possibly the worst racing card of the season so far as well. Have fun in the rain. Ohhhhh and please don't come on later twisting about the price of a pint and a burger . have a good one mate
I used to eat as soon as I walked through the gate RV, that was I was assured of a feed. If I didn't, and the pocket began to bleed, it became food or enough for the "get out bet." I usually went home starved.
Cheers all. Weather down here is atrocious, be surprised if the ground isn't more Chepstow than Bath today. I guess I am going to ramble on about sires now. grr
Many years ago I had a boss who was a dedicated Timeform customer and they named a race in his honour at Bath and invited him as a VIP. I was lucky enough to get invited too but didn't get one winner as far as I can recall. Got Lester Piggott's autograph but gave it to my boss. Very difficult place to pick winners. Form doesn't seem to help one bit.
