floccinaucinihilpilication is the best way of describing Chafed Arse (look it up if you don't believe me)
No cos I'm Scatty. It could mean that though cos on July 1st I have worked for the NHS for 36 years. Started work when I was 16 in Durham when that office closed now work in Newcastle.
ABASH: A high school graduation party. ABDICATE: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. ACCOUNT: A Countess's husband. ACRE: Literally means the amount of land plowable in one day. So in my case it would be four feet by four feet. ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again. ANTIQUE: An item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you're buying again. ARBITRATOR (ar'-bi-tray'-ter): A cook that leaves Arby's to work at Burger King. ATHEISM is a non-prophet organization. -- George Carlin AVOIDABLE (uh-voy'-duh-buhl'): What a bullfighter tries to do. BALDERDASH: A rapidly receding hairline. BARIUM: What we do to most people when they die. BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning. BEAUTY PARLOR: Places where women curl up and dye. BOSS: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CANTALOUPE: Gotta get married in a church. CAR SICKNESS: The feeling you get when the car payment is due. CATALOGS: Rails used to build cow fences. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. CLASSIC: A book which people praise, but do not read. CLOTHES DRYER: An appliance designed to eat socks. COFFEE: A person who is coughed upon. COLLEGE: The four year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. COMPROMISE: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece. CONFERENCE: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present. CONTROL (kon'-trol): A short, ugly inmate. COURTESY: The art of yawning with your mouth closed. DERANGE: Where de buffalo roam. DICTIONARY: A place where success comes before work. DIPLOMAT: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. DIVORCE: Future tense of marriage. DOCTOR: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills. DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. EMERGENCY NUMBERS: Police station, Fire Department and Places that deliver. Etc: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.\ ETERNITY: The last two minutes of a football game. EYEDROPPER (i'-drop-ur): A clumsy ophthalmologist. EXPERIENCE : The name men give to their mistakes. FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew. FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster. FANCY RESTAURANT: One that serves cold soup on purpose. FATHER: A banker provided by nature. FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. FLABBERGASTED: Appalled over how much weight you have gained. FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him/her. GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. GRANDMOTHER: A baby-sitter who doesn't hang around the refrigerator. GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. GROCERY LIST:. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store. GUM: Adhesive for the hair. HAIR DRESSER: Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician." HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. HEROES (hee-rhos'): What a guy in a boat does. HINDSIGHT: What one experiences from changing too many diapers. HORS D'OEUVRES: A sandwich cut into 20 pieces. IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid. INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. KISSING: A means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other. LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents. MISER: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich. MISTY (mis-tee'): How golfers create divots. MYTH: A female moth. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. NAIL POLISH: Part of an assortment of make-up items such as lipstick, eyeliner, blush etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp." OPPORTUNIST: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river. OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad. OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings. OYSTER: A person who sprinkles their conversation with Yiddish expressions. PARADOX (par'-u-doks'): Two physicians. PARK: Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide. PHILOSOPHER: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead. POLITICIAN: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after. POLYGON: A dead parrot. PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own. PRIMATE (pri'-mate'): Removing your husband from in front of the TV. PRIVATE TUTOR: Someone who doesn't fart in public. PROFESSOR: Someone who talks in someone else's sleep. PSYCHOLOGIST: A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room. PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it. QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college. REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen. RELIEF (ree-leef'): What trees do in the spring. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife. SCHOOL TEACHER: A disillusioned person who used to think thhe liked children. SEAMSTRESS: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does. SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. SMILE: A curve that can set a lot of things straight. SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma. STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. SUBDUED (sub-dood'): Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises. VEGETARIAN: Old Indian word for bad hunter. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. YAWN: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth. VUJA DE: The Feeling You've Never Been Here. WITHDRAWL: To remove money from a bank down south. (Submitted by Pericak.) WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines. ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.
