Off Topic Offensive jokes thread

[Amin Arrears]

Been awhile since we’ve had one of these and as there seems to be a bit of beef on the board recently, nothing better to grow a bit of community spirits than an offensive jokes thread.

I’ll start softly

What do you do when an epileptic has a fit in the bath?

Throw your dirty clothes in

 

[John Ex Aberdeen now E.R.]

Being an Epileptic I never thought of that

 

[steverico]

Bloke rings up the doctor
Doctor I’m sick in bed
How sick,
I’m in bed with my daughter

 

[Mckechnie Orange]

Q: What do you call the sweaty flap of skin which surrounds the vagina?

A: The wife.

 

[NewcastleTiger]

Have you seen the new James Bond film where he’s a transgender

They’ve called it Cocktopussy

 

[Amin Arrears]

What’s better than winning Paralympic gold?

Having arms and legs

 

[Roary's Smelly Head]

two nuns in a bath, one says to the other, where's the soap? the other one answers yes it does doesn't it.

 

[The B&S Fanclub]

Two nuns in a car are cut up by a boy racer. 'I'll teach him a lesson,' says the driver. She races to get level with him at the traffic lights, and tells her passenger to show him her cross. The passenger winds the window down and shouts out 'feck off you knobhead c#@t.'

 

[Frank Fingers]

Two nuns in a car are cut up by a boy racer. 'I'll teach him a lesson,' says the driver. She races to get level with him at the traffic lights, and tells her passenger to show him her cross. The passenger winds the window down and shouts out 'feck off you knobhead c#@t.'

That doesn't work. The original joke was "show him your cross".

 

[TwoWrights]

Amy Johnson has turned up at last, she came out of a tap in Southend.

 

[DMD]

My favourite 'You've Been Framed' clip is the one when that bloke is waving cheerily to all those people from his car, completely unaware that he's about to be shot in the head. The look on his wife's face!

 

[Amin Arrears]

What do you get when you cross an orphan with a selfie stick?

A family photo

 

[The B&S Fanclub]

That doesn't work. The original joke was "show him your cross".

Mines more subtle....think about it.

 

[The B&S Fanclub]

Amy Johnson has turned up at last, she came out of a tap in Southend.

Donald Campbell came out of a tap in Manchester.

 

[TwoWrights]

Donald Campbell came out of a tap in Manchester.

And Harold Holt out of a tap in Sydney.

 

[rovertiger]

You're all tapped in the head.

 

[Cityzen]

Bloke phones in to an agony aunt to say he is upset because a girl keeps saying he is a disgusting *****phile who likes shagging young girls like her. What did you say to her, she asked. I told her that was no way for an 8 year old to speak to her dad he replied.

 

[Walter Sobchak]

What did the blind man say as he walked past the fish counter in Morrisons:

“Morning ladies”

 

[HHH]

Garry Glitter. That **** could play all the chords.

His favourite was A minor.

 

[Chesh1recat]

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