Best man speech

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Gordon Armstrong

Gordon Armstrong

Just another S.A.F.C. fan
Forum Moderator
Jan 26, 2011
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South Shields, Sunderland
I'm my mate's best man on Saturday and I've just completed and printed my speech, but, like it has been since the first draft (on Monday), it's still open for change..

Can anyone offer any generic tips/snippets that I could use to make it even funnier than it currently is/isn't ?

One thing that I don't think is a good idea is us two and a few others going out for a drink tomorrow afternoon, but that's what's arranged so it's happening !
It's not a stag do . . . . that was in York two Saturdays ago. It's a few locals and some of his family from Scotland and Norfolk, that we haven't seen for many years.
 
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I've been best man twice, once I was too young and was ****ting it all day, couldn't eat the meal and I don't think it went great. The second was much better but that was more to do with the groom, Dave, being an absolute mess in his younger days <laugh>.

In conclusion, I am no help.
 
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Try not to read directly from the script. Maybe have some bullet points

Add in a few standard jokes:

"It's been an emotional day - even the cake was in tiers (tears)"
"Not saying [name] was nervous about today, but when he did his speech, it was't the first time today he's risen from a warm seat with a piece of paper in his hand"
"Want to thank you all for coming today, it's been a brilliant day and it wouldn't have been the same without you...............it would have been a HELL of a lot cheaper, but apparently that's not the point"

If there are any mags in the audience

"To the Newcastle fans amongst us......want to thank you for coming and NOT leaving 5 mins before the end as usual"
 
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I was best man donkeys years ago, and said something along these lines.....

"Imagine the scene tonight in the honeymoon suite....
Billy takes off his trousers and says to Louise, "here, put these on". Louise, not knowing what to expect, duly obliges and puts them on. Billy then says "now take them off", to which again, Louise, smiling, obliges. "Right, that's the last time you wear those in this house", Billy states.
Louise, now in her underwear, removes her skimpy, lacey panties, and hands them to Billy, "put them on" she says....
Billy looks at them and says "I'll not get into them"
Louise smiled, and replied "No, and you never bloody will unless you change your attitude"

It went down well, with most people anyway.
 
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It's cheesy as heck but when I was best man I used both of these and they went down well.

At the start I got up and said. "Wow, what a day, I'm absolutely speechless." and then sat down and started eating the food in front of me. Was hard to keep a straight face. Lasted about 10 seconds and then I got up and carried on.

I also congratulated the bride for making the best decision of her life so far, that the venue was superb.
 
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I went to a wedding the other day where the best man opened with...

"The bride doesn't want me to be the best man. The groom doesn't either. It's just being socially polite. I don't even want to be the best man either. I hate doing speeches. What are we all doing here anyway? What's the point? Let's just go home."

some people then boo'd (I assumed they were plants) to which some music started playing and he started singing a song he wrote for them

It was both awkward but funny.
 
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Another one i heard once was brilliant.

Best man gets up and goes through the formalities thank the bridesmaids etc. Then says...

"To be honest i was a bit worried about accepting the role of best man as i didn't know who the bridesmaids were, thankfully i've only shagged one of them"

All 4 bridesmaids heads spun around looking at each other :)
 
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Southern A said:
I went to a wedding the other day where the best man opened with...

"The bride doesn't want me to be the best man. The groom doesn't either. It's just being socially polite. I don't even want to be the best man either. I hate doing speeches. What are we all doing here anyway? What's the point? Let's just go home."

some people then boo'd (I assumed they were plants) to which some music started playing and he started singing a song he wrote for them

It was both awkward but funny.
Click to expand...
Well I'm not fecking doing that, am I <laugh>
 
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Ozzymac said:
Another one i heard once was brilliant.

Best man gets up and goes through the formalities thank the bridesmaids etc. Then says...

"To be honest i was a bit worried about accepting the role of best man as i didn't know who the bridesmaids were, thankfully i've only shagged one of them"

All 4 bridesmaids heads spun around looking at each other :)
Click to expand...
Well I'm not fecking doing that, am I <laugh>
 
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Few oldies, go into your pocket and bring a piece of paper out and start reading your Asda shopping list instead of speech
Say really pleased for ( name ) to be marrying ( name) but I know I her last boy friend still has a key to her house do you mind handing it over now, then get about 10 of the lads to bring a key to the top table.
 
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I was lucky to be gifted the opportunity to get a couple of chuckles. My mate was a maths teacher and got married the last saturday of October. Seems a bit dated now but they seemed to be amused by my suggestion that only a mathematician could calculate his wedding to fall on the day he'd get an extra hour in bed. The bride was training to be a midwife. I reminded the guests of this and then said that she at this moment is expecting ( surprised gasps around the room ) as I slowly pretended to turn the page to the next words of '' the results of her exams''.
This would only apply if your mate is into maths and the bride is going to be a midwife. And the clocks don't change on saturday anyway.
.Do hesitate to contact me for any further useless information I may not be able to provide.
 
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I was absolutely bricking writing this speech so asked a friend for tips and advice on how long a good best man's speech should last and he told me it should really only last as long as it takes the groom to last in the sack so ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for waffling on too long but raise your glass to the bride and groom... Sit down and then stand back up and say unlucky mate, you thought you got away with this speech but I fully intend to make this the 5 most uncomfortable minutes of your life... Ironically the 5 most uncomfortable minutes of the bride's life will come later on courtesy of the groom..
 
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