Some sad news today, the bloke who invented auto correct for mobile phones died today. May he rust in peace
Last night I told my wife I was feeling horny. "Well, we can soon sort that out," she said with a wink, and slowly undressed. F*ck me, she was right... I stopped feeling horny immediately!
I was in the queue at Starbucks this morning. The man getting served in front of me asked for a mocha. "Sorry sir, but we're out of mochas." The guy was fuming. "I have a mocha every morning when I come in here!" he raged. "I'll just have to have a latte!" He went and sat down. I went to the counter and said, "I'll have a large latte too, please." They asked me for my name. I asked why they needed it and they told me that they'd write it on my cup and shout it when it was ready. So I told them my name was Mocha.
While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub only a half a mile or so from our house. I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a cider, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like Carling? He didn't. So I drank it. I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer, so we tried a Jameson's, nope! In desperation, I had him try Jack Daniels. He wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it! By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so f*cking p*ssed I could hardly push his pram back home.
My mother was so concerned about my relentless masturbating that she made me wear boxing gloves in bed ... ... even now I can only get a hard on thinking about Frank Bruno but I can only manage one round
