^^^^ just realised this doesn't work as this is on the internet and i have just typed it without saying it. sorry for killing the magic
Here's a bit of an old one: Two bits of grey tarmac are sat chatting on a park bench, and suddenly a piece of green tarmac charges past, muttering angrily to himself. "What's wrong with him?" one of the grey pieces of tarmac asks. "Oh, I wouldnt worry," replies the other, "he's just a bit of a cyclepath."
I came down the stairs about 20 minutes ago and found my sexy girlfriend dead on the floor. I thought i'd do her one more time. Half way through the act she turned round and went 'Boo'. I mean how sick do some ****ers have to be?
A man with no arms or legs is waiting at a train station and when the train arrives the conductor says ''How are you getting on''.
I used to work with a lad that when he was late for work one day came up this excuse. He said ''I woke up asleep on the couch''. Another day he said ''I got stuck in traffic'' ...He was walking. I know another fella that was sent to the shops to buy striped paint and pitch black bulbs. He was also told to get a jar of sparks for an angle grinder and told not to drop it.
My wife just came down from having a shower, winked at me and said "I've just shaved my fanny, you know what that means"...........I replied "yes the ****ing plughole's blocked"
A plane is flying from London to New York when it gets into trouble, and the pilot says that its going to crash. A woman jumps up and takes off her clothes and says ''Is there a man on the plane that will make me feel like a woman?'' A man jumps up,takes off his shirt and says ''Iron this''.
The whore that Wayne Rooney was shagging, Jenny Thompson has come out and said that the sex was ogre-rated. Wayne Rooney went to the shops to buy 12 welsh cheese-cakes, he promised Coleen he wouldn't buy any more tarts. Wayne Rooney rejected a move to Manchester City after he handed in a transfer request at Man U, City only offered him 230 grans a week. He also rejected a move to Chelsea because all the pensioners at Chelsea are blokes. He also rejected a move to Juventus when he found out Juventus are the Old Lady of Turin and there isn't an old lady at Juventus.
