Coronavirus

I can pluck a pheasant if the pheasant plucker’s late

 

I prefer chestnut stuffing and a butter baste myself like ...

 

I’m not enjoying this so called life at the moment, all my plans in 2021 seem so far away.

Concert tickets all in jeopardy, my holiday to South Africa in July wont probably happen. So bleak!

If this vaccine doesn’t work. What next? We just stay locked in until our day of death comes?

Just think of all the kids who have turned 18 over the past 10 months. **** that! No job prospects, locked in a tiny room if you’ve gone to uni, not being able socialise and make life long friends.

someone, shine some positivity on this thread.

 

My middle girl turns 21 in January ... should be back at Uni celebrating with her mates but **** knows if that can happen now ...

 

THE 12 MONTHS OF BORIS...

January: No need to be alarmed. It's a Chinese bug. We're bloody British.

February: It appears that the Italians can catch it too, but they rolled over to the Nazis in the war so it's to be expected.

March: Errrr, it looks like we can catch it after all. However, there's no need to panic, just stay two metres apart and sing happy birthday whilst washing your hands.

April: We could do with around 60% of you catching it, but you'll probably kill your gran in the process. This is becoming somewhat of a pickle we're in.

May: Yeah, we've totally ****ed it guys. It's spreading quicker than a 5g conspiracy. Stay the **** away from everyone unless you fancy popping out for a McDonald's.

June: You can definitely maybe get away with sitting within a metre of a perfect stranger in the park, but meeting up with a friend will lead to certain death.

July: You may get back in the pub, but only for essential drinks. Feel free to chat bubbles with a random in the smoking area, but leave immediately if you see a member of your family, or face arrest.

August: Eat out to help out! Every single UK citizen simply must rush out to do all the things we've asked you not to do for the last few months. It's your duty, and here's a tenner on us for your efforts.

September: You ghastly, little cretins! Who the **** told you to go out and spread the virus like that again? Have you listened to a bloody word we've said? Don't even come at me with your crocodile tiers, bro.

October: Work from home again unless your place of work has a till.

November: You can go and get your muff waxed and do a bit of Christmas shopping with thousands of others, however, attendance restricted pubs, bars and restaurants still pose too much of a risk to mingle in.

December: Christmas is cancelled. See you all again in the new year for more absolute ****ery, you shower of ****s.

 

I'm thinking of taking the helicopter I stole off HiaG over to France, anyone need any lettuces, cauliflowers or citrus fruits brought back? #RuleBrittania

 

I'm actually short of some garlic, brb. Pick me up a frog, too. Might as well try that whilst I have the chance.

 

I've also changed my mind on Brexit, now. It's going to be more trouble than it's worth with all the disruption it's going to cause.

 

Good to see you on here mate. It's been a tough ****ter this year, even more so when it affects close family, take care.

 

Make that two @brb , a garland of garlic for me, beret and one of those stripy tops as well

 

@brb van you get me a Gendarmes hat please .tia

 

If you find Audrey Tautou on your travels try and persuade her that SE London in Château RCL is lovely this time of year

 

How dark it is before the dawn bro. This will all be a memory soon.

 

I love the way the media say there is no need to panic buy, but in the next breath report potential food shortages. Then having a browse through twitter is the same, everyone saying don't panic buy, no need to panic buy. Translated that means every fooker is going to panic buy! Anyone want to buy any bog roll?

 

I grow me own lettuce and caulis mate. Garlic too as it goes. Bit of Camembert wouldn’t go amiss though.

 

Funny you should say that...when the news broke last night, I nearly tagged you to ask if you were manning the allotment.

 

Last week - stick gunboats in the Channel to protect OUR FISH!

This week - the French close the channel for 2 days whilst they come up with a protocol to stop us exporting a new deadly strain of COVID to their citizens. The dirty frogs are trying to starve us to death!

It also seems EU countries can actually control their own borders.......who knew.

 

If I drink enough, time will fly by and before you know it, I’m 50

 

If I make it up there this week, It’ll be to put some manure down. Just a bit of winter kale and spinach to pick up, not worth fighting the zombies for that if the apocalypse kicks off early.

I’ll be up there patrolling with an air rifle and a crossbow in the spring though