Stolen from a mate on FB. Trump’s resignation speech.
“My fellow Americans. The great forces of evil, communism, China and darkness have come together to rig an election, allow 1m dead people to vote, allow suburban women to vote twice, allow China, China!! to count the ballots. They have eradicated boxes of votes of great great loyal gun toting, white supremacist, anti abortion, evangelical Christians... some of the most well meaning kind people a man could wish to meet. Gods people.
Let me be clear! I won this election by a landslide but fake news and big tech (why can’t they stick to making tumble dryers) mean that today, somewhere between the 16th and 17th hole I decided to hand this election to Sleepy Joe the man who came a distant second. I can stay making America great until January apparently - it’s on the rental agreement for the White House. Handy I found that as we have some hairspray stains on the ceiling and fake tan on the chaise longue to sort out if we want to get our full deposit back. My big, big hope is that at his age Sleepy Joe will forget he has won and not turn up - 2 months is a long time when you are 93. If so I can stick around and get that last 94% of the wall built. Howza about that!!
My final words to you! When you wake up to find Jose and his buddies waving at your unemployed butt from your garden, when you go for your gun and remember it went on an amnesty pile, when your kids have to eat egg foo yung for breakfast and Mandarin is the first language, when Rocket Man has taken out Oregon, when the only Lays crisp flavour is crispy duck and our beautiful beautiful dolphins are being culled you will come find me. ‘Mr Trump; Mr Trump’ you will beg ‘we need you we need you’
When our cities are shut to the Chinese virus, Village People and our other great bands have to perform with masks, when you work out bleach was the best medicine, TikTok has got all your bank details, when Kamala, takes over, puts her handbag in the Oval Office and we find out she is Russian (don’t tell me Kamala is an American name). When you can’t frack, whatever that is, nobody knows, you will come find me. ‘Mr Trump, Mr Trump’ you will beg ‘we need you we need you’
And when that moment comes I will look at you and I will say......
‘You had your chance.. now **** off Im playing golf’.”