Off Topic A friend (Ahem) has a dilemma

[General Melchett]

My friend, we'll call him Capt Darling........OK less of a friend, more a loathsome subordinate has had something of a bombshell visited upon him.
After 12 years with his other half, the last two of which married, Mrs Darling has suggested that after much life re-evaluating that at 36 she wants to have a child. Capt D has maintained throughout life that a child has never been in his thoughts or on his agenda, so this was news to him with Mrs darlings party line even at time of getting married being that kids were not desired.
Whilst darling is aware that biological clocks can tick this way, his has not. At 41 should he suppose:

• That he knows his own mind by now and that no ammount of; internet articles, friends saying "its the best thing to ever happen to me" and stories of conception requiring a very concerted sexual shove. Should persuade him otherwise, though knowing that if it didn't at some point end the marriage (Darlings speculation) it would lead to a long term resentment that may never heal(Also Darlings speculation though almost certain)?
• That all his friends saying "its the best thing to ever happen to me" and stories of conception requiring a very concerted sexual shove. Are right and that he just needs that nudge to a more fulfilling life?
• That more fulfilling or not he will end up doing it for Mrs Darling and either:

1. Finding it OK but different and finding a way
2. Finding a new definition of misery and resentment which will not be good for anyone
3. Actually enjoy it......Darling doesn't quite understand why a totally dependant **** machine that will cost you; money, time, sleep, much of your life that you enjoy being marginalised and probably much more

Darling has softened on kids over the years in so much as he now doesn't actively try to escape any space that has kids in, this mainly being because of so many friends now having them, tolerating their presence seemed his only option (This also seems to have encouraged Mrs Darling).

Does this sound familiar to anyone? Any advice? for Darling of course!

Bah!

 

[canary-dave]

Melchy, in an ideal world sexual activity is enjoyable simply to enforce the rule of life which is procreation.

It's a case of damned if you do and damned if you don't. For the sake of marital harmony, you have to decide what you could manage without.

1. No kids and no wife.

2. Happy wife and child to maintain.

Your choice!

 

[DUNCAN DONUTS]

36 is quite old for a woman to conceive naturally so it really is a coin toss whether just not "withdrawing " would result in a healthy child and mother.
Women are mental even if she pressurises you into having kids she will no doubt blame you if she changes her mind again later on.

 

[General Melchett]

36 is quite old for a woman to conceive naturally so it really is a coin toss whether just not "withdrawing " would result in a healthy child and mother.
Women are mental even if she pressurises you into having kids she will no doubt blame you if she changes her mind again later on.

What do you mean "you"? Its Darling!

It is her age that has her pressing the matter so urgently, that and having had a major health issue in November (All OK now) and then losing her Dad in December causing the major life reappraisal.

Its really a question of which one of them is going to be unhappy. If he says no its definitely her and then him by proxy.
If he says yes, its probably him, but that isn't certain.

Bah!

 

[DHCanary]

A long way from my area of expertise, and with time an issue it might not be an ideal option, but would fostering an older child be an experience that would help Mr and Mrs decide if children were right for them?

As I said, no idea about these sort of things, and can imagine "try before you buy" not being quite what people look for in a foster carer.

 

[JM Fan]

OK General, IMO, the Darlings should have a little 'Darling'. I had my children quite young (they are now both in their 40s) and yes it is all the things you quoted in your OP which costs money/sleepless nights etc; but I'm so proud f them and my grandchildren.
Also, if they don't have a child, who's going to choose their Old folks Home????

 

[Resurgam]

Well Mon General, could you please pass on my two pennuth to Capt. Darling....

I myself became a father late in life - just before my 41st birthday.
Not sure what to expect, I can honestly say, my daughter - as far as I'm concerned - arrived at the right time of my life.
had I had her in my earlier years, I don't know if I would have coped so well, and more worryingly, whether I would have maybe resented having her, as she could have stopped me doing some of the things I wanted to do.
As it worked out, I had lived my life and done the things I wanted to when I was younger.
From my point of view, a child later in life is definitely a blessing.

 

[Newforest Yellow]

Fairly late to parenthood myself mid 30s - 2 boys now late teens/early 20s. Hard work at many times (for me and Mrs NewForest) costly and stressful for the past 20 odd years,but it all goes away with one hug - wouldn't be without them and still trying to guide them - which they also resent
Your life will change, but not necessarily for worse - just have to find a balance.

 

[Hairy Mary Quite Canary]

Sounds like Mrs Darling has only brought this up seriously very recently and may want to mull it over for another month or two to make sure it's not a knee-jerk reaction to a recent bereavement and the other episodes you mentioned. How you, (sorry Capt Darling) communicates that to her is a whole different matter of course... That said, as a Dad of two I can thoroughly recommend it. I was never particularly fussed about having kids at the time, but then our first came along. Wouldn't change a thing! Personally, I'd just get on with it and enjoy the ride. ooooo-errrrr missus.

 

[General Melchett]

Sounds like Mrs Darling has only brought this up seriously very recently and may want to mull it over for another month or two to make sure it's not a knee-jerk reaction to a recent bereavement and the other episodes you mentioned. How you, (sorry Capt Darling) communicates that to her is a whole different matter of course... That said, as a Dad of two I can thoroughly recommend it. I was never particularly fussed about having kids at the time, but then our first came along. Wouldn't change a thing! Personally, I'd just get on with it and enjoy the ride. ooooo-errrrr missus.

Mrs darling maintains that it was not her first thoughts on such matters and that it had been a growing thought, it has just taken the personnal issues to crystallise it. I am in agreement with you in respect to giving her more time to reflect and see if there is any change. However the level of certainty is there that she has not only given up smoking this morning (Time will tell if this sticks!) but yesterday without consulting me (PSYCHO!!!) went out and bought; his and hers conception vitamins, an ovulation kit and some special lube that is supposed to help the little swimmers. She stopped short of buying the sperm health check kit because she thought that might be too much and Darling might react badly!

Thanks everyone for your input so far, at this point I, I mean Capt Darling still don't know whether to:

Run a mile, she's clearly a Psycho?
Stay but tell her no and see if the marriage survives
Try for baby but fail because they're both a bit long in the tooth, Mrs Darling can't be resentful then can she?
Have the baby and adapt, maybe even like it?
Have the baby, hate it and leave behind a broken home?
What's a Captain to do?

Bah!

 

[DUNCAN DONUTS]

I have 4 children and they are the best thing to happen to me but after each one the mother turned into a total bitch .
When they get to the age where they interact with you smile and try to talk and walk they are amazing but the little screaming ****ting machines push you to the brink of insanity .
Living on 2 hours sleep and coming back from work only to relieve Mrs 23 of her duties tests even the strongest relationships unless you have external help.

I wouldn't change it though and I believe that passing on your genes is the meaning of life .

 

[JM Fan]

I have 4 children and they are the best thing to happen to me but after each one the mother turned into a total bitch .
When they get to the age where they interact with you smile and try to talk and walk they are amazing but the little screaming ****ting machines push you to the brink of insanity .
Living on 2 hours sleep and coming back from work only to relieve Mrs 23 of her duties tests even the strongest relationships unless you have external help.

I wouldn't change it though and I believe that passing on your genes is the meaning of life .

Read the book 'The Chimp Paradox'

 

[General Melchett]

I have 4 children and they are the best thing to happen to me but after each one the mother turned into a total bitch .
When they get to the age where they interact with you smile and try to talk and walk they are amazing but the little screaming ****ting machines push you to the brink of insanity .
Living on 2 hours sleep and coming back from work only to relieve Mrs 23 of her duties tests even the strongest relationships unless you have external help.

I wouldn't change it though and I believe that passing on your genes is the meaning of life .

Its not; Tits n arse, beer, Chip inn fish n chips and Norwich city then?

bah!

 

[General Melchett]

Read the book 'The Chimp Paradox'

I've always resisted this style of book, its like those personnality profiling things like Myers Briggs, they all seem to make sweeping assumptions and put you in this, that or another box. On the other hand would I call myself greatly successful? Hmm, now which planet am I on?

Bah!

 

[JM Fan]

I've always resisted this style of book, its like those personnality profiling things like Myers Briggs, they all seem to make sweeping assumptions and put you in this, that or another box. On the other hand would I call myself greatly successful? Hmm, now which planet am I on?

Bah!

I hear what you're saying re 'this style of book's, but it's helped dine very famous people - Sir Chris Hoy and Victoria Pembleton to name but 2. Borrow it from the library initially.

 

[General Melchett]

I hear what you're saying re 'this style of book's, but it's helped dine very famous people - Sir Chris Hoy and Victoria Pembleton to name but 2. Borrow it from the library initially.

You quote those two but is the book just trying to engender singleminded selfishness and focus on personnal success? I do wonder if this is another of those that tells you you're jolly wonderful, go trample everyone to get what you want.
I may have to give it a look as I probably shouldn't stereotype on my preconceptions.
Its nice to be important, but its more important to be nice! (Someones probably shouting "thats loser speak!")

Bah!

 

[General Melchett]

Back to task, Darling wonders how it is that you are supposed to find stuff like; very **** plays, even crapper artwork and diabolical singing a source of pride? As I scan my office I see a managerie of hand prints and shapeless multicoloured unknowns on paper displayed by besotted parents, they are without exception crap, will darling suddenly find these things sliced bread in there magnificence? I know they are starting out clumsy, unco-ordinated **** monkeys but must I look at these things and think wow? (And not wow thats ****, still he or she will be less **** in a few years...hopefully!) Or do all parents know that these things are actually **** but encouraging their little cherubs?

Bah!

 

[JM Fan]

Back to task, Darling wonders how it is that you are supposed to find stuff like; very **** plays, even crapper artwork and diabolical singing a source of pride? As I scan my office I see a managerie of hand prints and shapeless multicoloured unknowns on paper displayed by besotted parents, they are without exception crap, will darling suddenly find these things sliced bread in there magnificence? I know they are starting out clumsy, unco-ordinated **** monkeys but must I look at these things and think wow? (And not wow thats ****, still he or she will be less **** in a few years...hopefully!) Or do all parents know that these things are actually **** but encouraging their little cherubs?

Bah!

I'm afraid that your last sentence sums it up PERFECTLY and you can pass the message on to 'the Darlings' that encouragement is considered ESSENTIAL in bringing up a child/children (or so Sir Robert Winston says - Google him!!).
I know my grandchildren have always had heaps of encouragement from both their parents and grandparents (smiles smugly!!) and the older one will be going for her Karate Black Belt just after her 11th birthday. The younger one is not so keen, but will be encouraged to take up another sport.

 

[General Melchett]

I'm afraid that your last sentence sums it up PERFECTLY and you can pass the message on to 'the Darlings' that encouragement is considered ESSENTIAL in bringing up a child/children (or so Sir Robert Winston says - Google him!!).
I know my grandchildren have always had heaps of encouragement from both their parents and grandparents (smiles smugly!!) and the older one will be going for her Karate Black Belt just after her 11th birthday. The younger one is not so keen, but will be encouraged to take up another sport.

Oh god, does that mean a curb to sarcasm would be required? I, I mean he might explode!!

Bah!

 

[KIO]

I have two wonderful daughters and I wouldn't be without them, even more so now that my missus has upped and left me