A young lad in the Foreign Legion asks the sergeant what do you do for a shag out here the sergeant says if you go down the back of the fort you will see a camel you can use that, the lad thinks bollocks to that no way but after another 2 weeks he's busting for a shag so he goes down and gives the camel one after a few days he sees the sergeant and he asks the lad how he got on and he says well I lasted a couple of weeks before I cracked and shagged it the sergeant says you shagged the camel most of the lads use it to go down the village.
Three cowboys round a campfire start discussing sexual positions. First one says "I'm a missionary man, that's what the good Lord intended". Second one says "Me I prefer the gal on top, just love to see them titties bouncing" Third guy says "you fellas ever tried it Rodeo style? - reckon that's the best ride of all". The other two shake their heads. "Make ya gal get down doggy style and get inside her. Then reach forward, cup her titties and whisper in her ear that they feel just like her sister's. Then ya just try and stay on for 3 minutes!"
A humpty back boy died, when they laid him down, his legs went up, when they put them down he sat up, so the plan was to strap the chest and legs down.. The funeral, the priest is talking to the family and friends at the death of their close one Michael.. Very scathing the priest says " YOU, you call yourself his family, YOU hounded this lad all his life, YOU took his dignity, his money, his virginity and every other demonic thing a family could do.. Just then the top strap snapped and the body sat-up, everyone went aaaargh and legged it, the last out of the door was the priest and just then a tree branch caught the back of his dog collar and he shouted.. Get off me you humpty-backed ****..
Had a Freudian slip this morning. Woke up and meant to ask the wife if she'd like a cup of tea. I actually said "**** off you bitch, you've ruined my life"
A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the damn ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here."
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?" The husband said, "No sweetie." The woman said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would" Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife. She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe." But what does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
Q: Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve? A: All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think you're bad luck."
A man went to visit his wife in hospital who was in a coma whilst he was sitting by her bed, he sees her breasts rising and falling as she breathes. Seeing this gets him a little frisky, so he sees no harm in having a little feel. He reaches out, and give her right breast a little squeeze. As he does this, his wife lets out a slight moan. The man yells for the doctor, who rushes into the room. "Doctor, she let out a moan!" "That's great!" said the doc, "It's a good sign... do you know what was happening when she made the noise?" "Well," the man responds, "I was actually just having a little squeeze of her right breast." "Interesting," says the doc, "it must be the sexual stimulation. Try squeezing her left breast." The man does as he is told, and she lets out a slightly louder moan. "Amazing!" says the doc, "Ok, I think you need to take things up a level. I think you should engage in oral sex. I know it is an intimate activity, so I'll wait outside as you try." The doc leaves the man to do his thing. After a few minutes, the doc hears the wife flatline, and the man comes walking out of the room with his head down. "What's going on?" said the doc. "She died..." replied the man. "What?!" said the doc, "What happened?!" "Well," he replies... "she choked."
A blokes tapping his way along the quay side in thick fog using his umbrella all of a sudden there is nothing in front of him so he turns and taps behind him and there is nowt there either and he nearly ****s himself so he stands there all night waiting for the fog to lift and when he looks down his Brolly head had fell off.
Did you here about the drunk they found dead on the quay side he'd been trying to get a drag off a capstan.
