Picture this...convo at the end of December.
MA: Alright son.
AC: Hello Mr Ashley.
MA: Pass me that pie from the pie stand please, coz if I stand up, i'll pop a blood vessel.
AC: No problem Mr Ashley sir.
MA: How do you fancy a big money move in January?
AC: Erm.. i'm quite happy playing here Mr Ashley
MA: How much are you on? I would check the file.. but it's all the way over there..
AC: About 30k a week, but it's not about the money, I love wearing the number 9 shi... (MA interrupts)
MA: How about 80k a week son..
AC: (Carroll Pauses) Sorry.. I just jizzed in my pants there Mr Ashley. 80k a week? You're going to pay me 80k a week?
MA: Not me son, Spurs, Liverpool, Chelsea maybe..
AC: Sounds amazing.. I feel like such a scruff on ÃÆââ¬Å¡Ãâã30k a week.. do you know, I only have 6 cars? ..how could we do it? I mean, the fans? They'd hate me..
**The lights in the office go down, Ashley leans forward as a suspicious red light illuminates his face**
MA: Well son, picture this:
First, we release a lot of statements saying you're not for sale at any price.
Then you do 3 or 4 interviews stating exactly the same, say some bullshit about how you want to emulate Alan Shearer, the fans are stupidly passionate and loyal, they'll fall for that ****. All this time I will secretly invite offers from other clubs so the fans blame them for unsettling you.
FINALLY...on deadline day, when there's no time for us to replace you, we'll complete the deal, you will be on mega bucks and I will keep your fee, bar some tokenistic bidding at 10:30 to make the fans believe that we tried to replace you.. somebody like Nzogbia.. he's a good striker apparently..
AC: He's a midfielder Mr Ashley sir..
MA: errr.. I think I know what i'm talking about youngen.. durrrrr!
AC: Ok, it all sounds amazing, but what if I get injured and it doesn't go through, i'll be devastated.
MA: Don't you worry about that.. you ever faked an injury before?
AC: No...what do you mean?
MA: We claim you have a muscle strain, but claim it's a complicated one, and we'll send you around the world seeing "specialists" until the window is shut.. you'd like a trip around the world wouldn't you Andy...
AC: I'd love it.. but what about the fans.
MA: Just send some bullshit messages to one of the writers at ToonTalk saying you were pushed...they'll believe you, they love you, that means all the hate will then be directed at me.. but I can handle it.. ÃÆââ¬Å¡Ãâã35m makes all the hate easier to take.. you know how much comfort eating I can do with ÃÆââ¬Å¡Ãâã35m?
AC: Brilliant... where do I sign.. **** NEWCASTLE!
MA: Nice one sone, that's the spirit, now get out of my office, I have to **** into a bagel and make Derek eat it!
I got all this from my "Senior Source"...(if it works for Sky, it works for me)
MA: Alright son.
AC: Hello Mr Ashley.
MA: Pass me that pie from the pie stand please, coz if I stand up, i'll pop a blood vessel.
AC: No problem Mr Ashley sir.
MA: How do you fancy a big money move in January?
AC: Erm.. i'm quite happy playing here Mr Ashley
MA: How much are you on? I would check the file.. but it's all the way over there..
AC: About 30k a week, but it's not about the money, I love wearing the number 9 shi... (MA interrupts)
MA: How about 80k a week son..
AC: (Carroll Pauses) Sorry.. I just jizzed in my pants there Mr Ashley. 80k a week? You're going to pay me 80k a week?
MA: Not me son, Spurs, Liverpool, Chelsea maybe..
AC: Sounds amazing.. I feel like such a scruff on ÃÆââ¬Å¡Ãâã30k a week.. do you know, I only have 6 cars? ..how could we do it? I mean, the fans? They'd hate me..
**The lights in the office go down, Ashley leans forward as a suspicious red light illuminates his face**
MA: Well son, picture this:
First, we release a lot of statements saying you're not for sale at any price.
Then you do 3 or 4 interviews stating exactly the same, say some bullshit about how you want to emulate Alan Shearer, the fans are stupidly passionate and loyal, they'll fall for that ****. All this time I will secretly invite offers from other clubs so the fans blame them for unsettling you.
FINALLY...on deadline day, when there's no time for us to replace you, we'll complete the deal, you will be on mega bucks and I will keep your fee, bar some tokenistic bidding at 10:30 to make the fans believe that we tried to replace you.. somebody like Nzogbia.. he's a good striker apparently..
AC: He's a midfielder Mr Ashley sir..
MA: errr.. I think I know what i'm talking about youngen.. durrrrr!
AC: Ok, it all sounds amazing, but what if I get injured and it doesn't go through, i'll be devastated.
MA: Don't you worry about that.. you ever faked an injury before?
AC: No...what do you mean?
MA: We claim you have a muscle strain, but claim it's a complicated one, and we'll send you around the world seeing "specialists" until the window is shut.. you'd like a trip around the world wouldn't you Andy...
AC: I'd love it.. but what about the fans.
MA: Just send some bullshit messages to one of the writers at ToonTalk saying you were pushed...they'll believe you, they love you, that means all the hate will then be directed at me.. but I can handle it.. ÃÆââ¬Å¡Ãâã35m makes all the hate easier to take.. you know how much comfort eating I can do with ÃÆââ¬Å¡Ãâã35m?
AC: Brilliant... where do I sign.. **** NEWCASTLE!
MA: Nice one sone, that's the spirit, now get out of my office, I have to **** into a bagel and make Derek eat it!
I got all this from my "Senior Source"...(if it works for Sky, it works for me)
