Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

Tattoo Parlor This woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of a christmas tree on her right inner thigh and a cocktail drink on her left inner thigh.
The tatoo artist say thats an unusual request.
"Why do you want two tattoos there?"
So she says "Because my husband needs to eat between christmas and new years."

 

Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.”

 

A blond goes over to her friends house wearing a T.G.I.F. T-shirt.
Her friend asks "why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday t-shirt on a Monday ??"
"What ?" Replied the blond "I thought it meant Tits Go In Front"...

 

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them:“It'sa illegal to putta 5 people in a Quattro.”

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of ze automobile" the German says unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers. Ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."

"You canta pulla thata one on me-aa!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and thereforea you arra breaking da law.”

The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"

“Sorry." responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He's a busy with a 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

 

Where do you go if you're dying?
- To the living room

 

Don't believe this - just got rid of two Jehova witnesses, then a woman knocks on the door asking for a donation for the sperm bank-
I tell you what-
I gave her a right mouthful ........

 

Final Tribute - Piper



Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.


As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.


As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.


I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.


I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.


The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.


And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.


As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."


Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

 

A wife buys a pairof crotchless knickers inan attempt to spice up a dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the settee.


At strategic moments she crosses her legs enough times till her husband says, "Are you wearing crotchless knickers?"

"Yes," she answers.

"Thank God for that.. For a moment there I thought the stuffing was coming out of the settee."

 

My Grandad once said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!"
I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!"
Then I unplugged his life support.

 

A guy is at the World Cup final sitting next to an empty seat.

The guy behind him leans over, gestures at the empty seat and says, "Blimey, who'd miss the World Cup final?"

"My wife," replies the guy. "We came to every final but she died so I came alone to keep the tradition going and honour her memory."

"Wow, sorry," says the guy behind. "Could you not have gotten a family member or friend to come with you?"

"No," says the bloke. "They're all at the funeral."

 

Journalist: How do you feel after scoring the winning goal which put your team through to the quarter finals?
Player: Am very happy ,l dedicate the goal to my wife and three kids, l know they are watching. Love you guys.

- This is how Zambia U17 was disqualified from the tournament in Rwanda.
Under 17 player married with three kids .

I love Africa! Lol

 

Bill Clinton was walking along a beach when he tripped over an old oil lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope...Due to inflation, constant downswing, low wages in third world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...What'll it be?"

Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want to bring peace to the Middle East, see this map?" Bill pulls out a sweat covered map. "These people have been at war for thousands of years. I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map of the Middle East and exclaimed, "I'm good, but not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. They've been fighting with each other for too long, and that's just not something I can do. Make another wish."

Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really don't like my wife. They call her a carpetbagger. They think she's mean, ugly, and pushes me around. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her and for her to be elected President of the United States of America. That's what I want."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Alright. Lemme see that map again..."

 

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? Trump wouldn't pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.

 

The Homeless Couple and the Priest

This priest was driving to his church when he saw two people bending over in the grass. He decided to see why. He walked over to them and asked what they were doing. The man said they were homeless and grass was the only thing they could eat. The priest said, ''You can eat over at the church.'' The woman said, ''We have nine children -- will there be enough?'' ''Oh yes, '' the priest replied, ''the grass is 2 1/2 inches taller over there.''

 

AN IRISH MOTHERS LETTER TO HER SON.


Dear Son,


Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast.

We are all doing very well.
You won't recognize the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved 30 miles away.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in, pulled the chain and haven't seen it since.
Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him - he's cutting the grass at the cemetery.
Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.
Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!
Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely.

They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.
I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.
I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes.

Your father offered to buy it from him.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days.

Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.
About that coat you wanted me to send you: your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in one of the pockets.John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.There isn't much more news at this time.Nothing much has happened.

Your loving Mum.

P..S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope

 

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"Student: "Meat!"Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"Student: "Bacon!"Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"Student:"Homework!"

 

Fingerless gloves -
The perfect companion to crotchless knickers.