Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

Very awkward moment this morning when my 7 year old son asked me what a dick was.
fortunately a bloke in a Manchester United shirt was passing us at the same time.....

 

Trevor has a dance coming up and he wants to ask out Sally. He would do anything to go with her and he knows she doesn't have a date. The only problem is that whenever he sees her he gets an extremely large boner. Before he asks her, he practices not getting a boner but nothing works. So he decides to just call her so he doesn't risk a boner. So he calls her and stutters through the words, but she thinks it is cute so she accepts.

At this point he realizes he didn't find a solution to the problem he just put it off. But then he has a great idea! He ties his penis to his leg to conceal the boner. On the day of the dance he heads over to her house and knocks on the door. She answers the door and he kicks her in the face.

 

Two blondes were walking through the countryside when one says "oh, look at those tracks are they Deer" the other says "no stupid, they're rabbit"
They were still arguing when the train hit them.

 

Two nuns cycling back through the village to get to the convent,
first says
I've never come this way before
second says
Neither have I, must be the cobbles.

 

**** off

 

A rabbit came into a shop and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller answered, "No!"

The next day the rabbit came again and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller replied "No!"

Next day the rabbit came and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller shouted, "No! And if you come again and ask for carrots, I'll take nails and hammer you on the wall by your ears!"

Early next morning the rabbit came back and asked, " Got any nails?" The seller answered, "No!" The rabbit asked, "Got any carrots?"

 

The lion was proud of his mastery of the animal kingdom. One day he decided to make sure all the other animals knew he was king of the jungle. He was so confident that he bypassed the smaller animals and went straight to the bear.

"Who is the king of the jungle?" the lion asked.

"Why, of course, you are," the bear replied. The lion gave a mighty roar of approval.

Next he asked the tiger, "Who is the king of the jungle?"

The tiger quickly responded, "Everyone knows that YOU are, oh mighty lion."

Next on the list was the elephant. "Who is the king of the jungle?" the lion asked.

The elephant immediately grabbed the lion with his trunk, whirled him around in the air five or six times and slammed him into a tree. Then he pounded him onto the ground several times, dunked him under water in a nearby lake and finally dumped him out on the shore.

The lion — beaten, bruised and battered — struggled to his feet.

"Look," he told the elephant, "just because you don't know the answer is no reason to get upset."

 

A Day in the Diary of a BMW Driver
"The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars. First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway! The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn. Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane. Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph! Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way. Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car. Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast! Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my driver’s licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me! See, now THAT'S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW! "

 

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In Holland, sex and drugs are readily available on the high street, often from the same place.
Imagine how disappointed Dutch visitors to the UK must be when they walk into their first branch of ScrewFix

 

I went to the sperm clinic today, the receptionist asked if I would like to masturbate in the cup...
I said, "I'm good, but I'm not sure I'm ready for competition."

 

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A truck driver was pulled over one day by a State Trooper. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and he noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab.


Thinking that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman said, "Did I just see you swallow something?"

The truck driver replied, "Yeah, that was my birth control pill."

"Your birth control pill?" asked the patrolman.

The trucker said, "Yeah, when I saw your flashing light, I knew I was screwed!"

 

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

 

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."

 

I've just ordered an egg and a chicken from Amazon. I'll let you know

 

Two horses in a stable. One says to the other, "I was in the 12.30 at Goodwood at the weekend when I got a sharp pain between my legs. I got this sudden burst of speed and won the race by ten lengths."

The second horse says, "That's a coincidence. I was in the 3.00 at Carlisle yeaterday and I was right at the back, when I got a sharp pain between my legs and shot through the pack to win."

Just then, a greyhound passed by and said, "Funny thing, I was in the 2.15 at White City and struggling when I got a pain between my legs and I found an amazing burst of speed to win."

The horses look at the dog and one says, "**** me, a talking dog!"

 

The old ones aren't necessarily always the best

 

They are if they make me laugh. You, meh.

And my grandad was a bookie so I have a soft spot for horse jokes.