Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large.
She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.
She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed.
Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself."
"Who is the third rose from?" she asked.
"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

 

i was asked to leave the local swimming pool today as the large bulge in my swimming trunks was upsetting some of the other swimmers. I pointed out another guy with similar trunks & asked why he was not asked to leave. They replied "because he hasn't **** himself".

 

"Dishonest Lawyers" joke
Two lawyers, Frank and Harry, meet for a drink. Frank says, "You know what happened? An angel was sent down to compile a list of the dishonest lawyers on earth. Six months later he dragged himself back to Heaven, exhausted. `Believe me,' he told God, `it'd be easier if I just made note of all of the honest lawyers on earth. In fact, I think I could do that in a weekend.' God said, `Fine.' Come Monday morning, the angel turned in his list and God said, `That's terrific. Now I think you should send all the lawyers on this list a note of congratulations.'"Frank pauses and sips his Scotch. Then he says, "There was a postscript to the angel's
note. You know what it was?" Harry says, "No." "Aha! So you didn't get one either!"

 

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****ing superb

 

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Taking good care of your cat - With mobile fan as air

 

“Guerrilla warfare is...
“Guerrilla warfare is more than just throwing a banana.”

 

WTF?

 

'A nine-year old boy goes into the grocery store, grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register. The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?" "Nope," says the boy, "not for my mom." The cashier responds, "Well, then they must be for your sister then?" "Nope," says the boy, "not for my sister, neither." The cashier is now curious, "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister -- then who are they for?" The nine-year-old says, "They're for my little brother. They say on TV, if you wear one of these, you can swim and ride a bike, and my little brother can do either of those things."

 

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll f*cking skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't f*cking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me either."
"F*cking great," I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

 

A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India. One man he passed sported an enormous erection. "Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted. "Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave." "Yessir," the Sgt. Major replied. A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man. "Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked. A few months later, same guy, same problem. The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?" "Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies. "Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks. The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."

 

I was sitting at a bar one time, when I noticed that, next to me, an old drunk was hassling one of the biggest, toughest guys I'd ever seen.
The old guy was clearly blasted, and kept getting in the tough guy's face, say, "I ****ed your mother."

Despite being huge and jacked, the tough guy just kept shrugging it off. The old guy laughed in the tough guy's face, saying it again. "Hey, I ****ed your mother."

Then, the old man even poked him, and repeated himself, "No seriously, I ****ed your mother."

At this point, finally, the tough guy had had enough. He grabbed the old man by his jacket and began to pull him out of the bar, yelling,

"That's it. We're going home, Dad. You're drunk."

 

The sad thing is, I already do this with my son. . Much more PG-13 than that, not the same words, but along the same lines. As he gets older I can see me saying that exact phrase to him.

 

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't f**k with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

 

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It's been reported by the NHS that masturbating at least twice a week increases your life expectancy by 20% now i have done the calculations and found out that some Utd fans who comment on our board are immortal!

 

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Jokes aside. Regular ejaculation has been linked to lower testicular cancer. Masturbation is part of a healthy lifestyle.

 

Apparently also good to prevent prostate cancer, whether masturbation or sex. They still throw you off a bus for either despite protests that it is for health reasons!