The Billy bullshitter thread

I remember my mate trying to order a Pizza when we were tripping once. One of the funniest things I've ever seen. He was flying, so why the **** he wanted to eat I have no idea. First he picked up the phone and just started stroking the handset, going on about how amazing it felt. Eventually he got round to dialling the number, then just started laughing at the Pizza shop, so they hung up. He phoned them again, then got in a right state trying to tell them what he wanted, so they hung up again. He phoned them for a third time and begged them to listen to him, whilst pissing himself laughing down the phone.

They stitched him up proper, because they put a **** load of chillis on his pizza, he ended up rubbing chilli in his eye and has a streaming eye for the next few hours I had no sympathy for the poor ****, because I was too busy laughing at him.

 

I've got loads of great stories of mates talking **** on the phone nutted, usually pilled up.

Best one is we got our mate to ring his boss after about 12 pink kangaroos unknowingly telling him it was some fit bird who wanted to meet him. So he led with the chat up line "I used to work at a bread factory, my clothes all smell of dough, can you smell it?" and kept putting the phone to his chest.

This went on for about half hour on and off with us pissing ourselves until he suddenly switched and got full on abusive with her

Felt kinda bad that he lost his job but still, one of the funniest ****ing things I've ever seen

 

Added to that, any stories like that always remind me of Danny Dyer in Human Traffic.

"What colour drawers you got on? Ohh ****."

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****!

Did I **** on your cabbages, or something, G4E?

 

We were with two brothers who were out of their nuts and crashed out at a house party, we stripped them naked and used the end of a toothbrush to insert a condom a bit into one of their arses. Hoyed a blanket over them and left them like that together.

Oh I can be sick

 

Had the wife with me so wasn't really a missed opportunity.
She was a fine looking classy Miss with a devil may care outlook to life.

 

I know people who have done that to lads before.

The question always is... did they tell anyone?

 

Looks like I got a bite !

Anyone got a landing net

What's happened to your normal calm demeanour?

#easilybaited

 

Don't have much choice when there's a camera about mate

 

Nah I always thought it's better to never mention it and see if any of them ever mention that they woke up like that

 

I shouldn't even mention this, but, I passed out once at a house party. Slept fine, woke up fine. Checked Facebook in the morning and the lads had got a puff at the party to climb into bed with me and take photos. I was ****ing devastated. Took me a while to live that one down

 

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That's class mate

You should of used that for the game!

 

You keep telling yourself that actually nothing happened and maybe some day you will believe it lol

 

I actually felt dirty the next day when I got a shower. Swear down

 

How can my comment, which clearly rips the piss out of your rattled rant, be considered to be anything other than it is?

I don't get it.

I wrote that comment with a snigger, lounging in my underpants and with one hand down the front scratching my balls. I was far too comfortable to be rattled. Trust me. I scratch my balls a lot.

 

Another one, Kirsty. A right slag, we had been to a rave in Bishop Auckland and afterwards I took the full mini bus back to her house. It was a cock fest. Sausages everywhere everybody was getting a go. She had this water feature thing in the bedroom and I pissed in it, a big piss smoke cloud came up and covered the room with everybody in it. Hell on


At another one of her parties after we suplexed some kid through her brand new coffee table, we put eggs and tomatoes in her microwave. That didn't end well

 

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Meh.