The barnsley joke page

A football fan in Manchester saw a Vicious dog attacking a pram. He ran over and fought the dog and killed it. A reporter from the Manchester Evening News says to him, "you're a hero and I can see the headlines now. United fan saves baby from dog!"

The fan says, "I'm not a United fan."

The reporter says, "Ok, City fan saves baby from dog attack!" The fan says, "actually, I support Liverpool."

"Ok," said the reporter, "Bastard bindipper Murders family pet!"

 

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Brummie walks into a tailors.

"Alroit, mate. I'd like a 70s suit, please."

The tailor says, "Certainly sir, and would you like a kipper tie?"

Brummie says, "Thanks mate, two sugars please."

 

I love helium, I can't speak highly enough about it.

 

Maggie, a blonde Irish girl, marries a New Zealand sheep farmer.

One morning on his way out to check on the stock, farmer John says to Maggie, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our ewes today. I drove a nail into the rail above her stall in the barn. You show him where the sheep is when he gets here, OK?"

So then the farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of ewes and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one...right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the one to be bred?"

"That's simple, by the nail over its stall", Maggie explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

She turns and walks away and with complete confidence says, "I guess it's to hang your trousers on."

 

Drogba said that for him the turning point in the game was when his early penalty appeal was turned down after he dramatically threw himself to the ground.

The referee had a point though, as the anthems were still being played.

 

A bloke walks into a pub with an octopus and says, "This is a very talented octopus. I"ll give £500 to anyone who has an instrument the octopus can"t play."
A guy walks up with a guitar. The octopus takes the guitar and plays it like Jimmy Hendrix.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet like Dizzy Gillespie.
A third guy walks up with a set of bag pipes. The octopus fumbles with it, and then sets it down, looking confused.
The guy says "Ha! you can"t play it."

The octopus says, "Play it? As soon as I get its pyjamas off, I"m gonna shag it."

 

Quasimodo walks into a bar, strolls straight up to the barman and says "I"ll have a whiskey please."

The barman says "Bells alright?"

Quasi replies "Mind your own fcuking business."

 

"Janet across the road has just called me in and showed me her tits, " I said to my wife.

"WHAT! I'll ****ing kill her, " she yelled, and stormed out of the house.

Oh dear, I hope she doesn't damage her aviary!

 

A 3 month pregnant woman falls into a coma. 6 months after she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor said don't worry , you had twins , a boy and a girl. Your brother named them for you.

She said oh no , not my brother, he's an idiot. What did he name the girl ?

Doc said" Denise". Oh that's not bad she said, what did he name the boy? Doc said "de nephew".

 

Why are people with foot fetishes always losers?

They love the smell of defeat.

 

Paddy says to Mick, "I hear that girl who played Pussy Galore in the Bond films has split her fanny open!"

Mick replies, "Honor Blackman?"

Paddy says, "No on a dildo!"

 

The Health Secretary is visiting a Glasgow hospital.
He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness.
He greets one, who replies, "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, great chieftain o the puddin race, aboon them a ye take yer place, painch, tripe or thairm, as langs my airm."

The Health Secretary is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The next patient responds: "Some hae meat an canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat an we can eat, so let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, he moves on to the next patient,who immediately begins to chant: "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty, O the panic in thy breasty, thou needna start awa sae hastie, wi bickering brattle"

Now seriously troubled, the Health Secretary turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, 'Is this a psychiatric ward?'

"No" replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."

 

WHO SAID FOOTBALLERS AREN'T INTELLIGENT?

My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7." - David Beckham

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league." - Mark Viduka

"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day." - Neville Southall

"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable." - Paul Gascoigne

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona." - Mark Draper

"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier.” - Ugo Ehiogu

"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesbrough." -Jonathan Woodgate

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel." - Stuart Pearce

"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right." - Lee Hendrie

"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country." - Ian Rush

"Germany are a very difficult team to play. They had 11 internationals out there today." - Steve Lomas

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock." - Barry Venison

"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet" - David Beckham

"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European" - Phil Neville

"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed." - Mitchell Thomas

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best." - Alan Shearer

"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd." - Johnny Giles

"Sometimes in football you have to score goals." - Thierry Henry

 

My new girlfriend whipped out my cock for the first time today!

She said "Where"s the best place to rub?"

I said "Probably not on this bus!"

 

Stewards at the ETIHAD looking for Citeh fans....

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I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my future wife walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age but eventually there she was.

I gave her a wink and said, "Get that trolley here love! They're doing 3 crates of Stella for the price of 2."

 

Stevie Wonder - 7 kids

David Blunkett - 5 kids

Ray Charles - 12 kids

I think it's safe to say it's not wan*ing that makes you blind.

 

Scientists have found a cure for Mad Cow Disease.

A box of chocolates and a dozen roses apparently.