The barnsley joke page

You'd think that with as much time as women spend looking at their arse in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.

 

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin.
When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinkin'.

 

Prince Charles was driving around his mother’s estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp.

He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught.

The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.

Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground.

He dug it up, polished it and immediately a Genie appeared.

"You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment, " said the Genie"

As a reward I shall grant you one wish."

"Well, " said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog."

They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog.

"Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me..?" the Prince asked.

The Genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head.

"This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life.

Is there something else you would like..?"

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos.

"I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana, " said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo.

"But now I love this woman called Camilla, " and he showed the genie the second photo.

"You see Camilla isn’t beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana..?"

The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let’s have another look at that fu*ckin' dog".

 

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.
Why are your feet so gross?"
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his trousers, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.
"What's wrong with your knees?" She asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess.. Smallcox?"

 

Two camels, a father and son are grazing. The younger camel looks up to his father and says "Dad! Why do we have these giant humps on our backs?"
The father camel looks down on the son and says. "Why, so we can travel for miles in the desert without stopping for water."
The young camel looks astonished and says "Wow, I didn"t know that!"
A few minutes later, the younger camel pips up again "Dad! Why do we have really thick eyelids?"
The older father, rather agitated by his son"s curiosity, answers quickly. "So that our eyes are not scratched by sand storms. "Wow!" The young camel says...
Another minute later and the father camel hears his son again. "Dad!". "What now!" The father camel asks.
The son then asks. "Why do we have huge feet?"
"Well son." The father camel starts. "We need to tread through the sand and out feet are big so we can travel much easier..."
A few minutes pass before the father hears his son again. The father camel, clearly agitated turns round. "What!?"
"Dad.... What the fcuk are we doing in a zoo then?"

 

Putting the Christmas decorations away in the attic, I found an old copy of the Radio Times dating back from 1974 or, as its now called, The Sex Offenders Register.

 

I used that new Lynx deodorant with a touch of chocolate last night.

My mates were pissing themselves, I pulled every fat bird in the club.

 

I was very naive sexually when younger. My first girlfriend asked me to do missionary.

So I buggered off to Africa for 6 months...

 

Me and two guys in the pub were struggling to settle an argument about who was the best lover when one guy suggested he had a sound measuring
device and we should all take it in turns to record how loud our wives scream during sex.

We all agreed, so a week later we all met in the pub to discuss our results over a pint.

"Well I did the experiment," said the first guy, "and the device measured 89 decibels, beat that."

"No problem," said the second guy smugly. "I did the experiment and thedevice measured 98 decibels. Now,what do you say about that?",

"Not bad," I replied, "but when I did the experiment the device measured in at a whopping 128 decibels.". "128 decibels?" said the first guy. "How on earth did you get your missus to scream that loud while you were having sex?"

"Easy," I replied, "she walked in while I was screwing her sister."

 

My girlfriend said to me, "I want you to make love to me like they do in the movies babe".

So I slapped her ass a dozen times and pulled her cheeks apart, squeezed her boobs, bit the nips, f'cked her in the ass, half strangled her to orgasm, pulled out and forced her head down and came in her mouth.

It turns out we don't watch the same movies.......

 

It was my birthday yesterday and the wife asked if I wanted a blow job or a hand job.

Thinking that my luck was in, I said, "I think I"ll take the blow job option, please."

The wife replied, "good choice - if you put that many candles out with your hand you would burn your fcuking fingers"

 

When joining the French army, you are required to know at least five other languages.

Well, how else will you surrender to occupying forces?

 

My sister in law sat on my glasses and broke them.

I suppose it's my fault really, I should have taken them off first.

 

Why are Welsh border collies the fastest of their breed?

They know what happens to slow sheep.

 

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.


The first man married a Greek girl.


He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.


The second man married a Thai girl.


He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. ...


The third man married a girl from Yorkshire.


He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table every day. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down, he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he urinates.

 

In dancing shows we have a dance off, in singing the sing off, in skating the skate off.


Can we please have a celebrity show called fcuk?

 

Liverpool.

The only place in the world where your wallet gets off the bus two stops before you do.

 

I bought one of those CD's that teach you Spanish while you sleep. Unknown to me there was a big scratch down it.


Now I'm fluent in stuttering in Spanish.

 

Koreans have recently brought out their own vegetarian version of an instant noodle snack.

It's called Not Poodle.