Off Topic People make money out of this. Seriously.

Below a set of questions sent to me by an idiot who clearly doesn't know me. They are meant to be used to start discussions with staff which will help 'develop, engage and retain' them. Put together by a 'top' talent management agency. They must be seriously clever to make money peddling this ****. Anyway, below, for your entertainment, the questions with my off the top of my head answers.

1. When do you feel most alive? At a big game with a rowdy crowd or a great gig
2. What makes life worth living for you? See question 1, plus good food wine and company
3. What's so embedded in your DNA that you just can't keep yourself from doing it? ****ing
4. What lessons do you find yourself learning over and over again? How to use chopsticks
5. What kinds of situations have triggered stress or negative emotions for you in the past? Road traffic accidents
6. What do you wish you had more time for? See questions 1 and 2
7. How are customers changing? They seem to be getting younger to me
8. What do you predict will be the next big thing in your field? A combine harvester, if I had a field.
9. What impressive or effective moves are other organizations in your industry making? I don't pay too much attention to be honest
10. Where are there untapped opportunities in your line of work? If I knew I would have tapped them you fool
11. How is your organization changing to be more competitive? Cutting jobs
12. What are some of the most significant challenges your industry faces? Nobody has enough money to pay for our ****
13. What lateral move would widen your perspective? A sideways one to an area where I am even less competent than my current one, would certainly widen my perspective and probably cost me my job.
14. What one skill would help you be twice as productive?Time travel, or parthenogenesis
15. What do you want to achieve in the next six months? Survival, a few laughs if possible
16. What could you be doing less of? Career development discussions
17. What skills and talents do you yearn to use more? Unicycling whilst juggling. I'd have to learn both skills first though.
18. What are you willing to invest to make your career goals happen? Absolutely nothing, unless it involves free trips to glamorous locations for untaxing courses. What are you willing to invest in me?

Fortunately the people I work with know me far too well to try this **** on me.

 

They might try this **** on you if they wanted to Fire your!

 

Sadly, so many big corporations/companies are taken in by this sort of sh*t. It ticks all the right boxes in the HR/Personnel Departments and shows that the company is taking it's 'Duty of Care' seriously...(seriously)

When I worked for Southwark Council there were untold 'consultants' constantly surveying staff with similar rubbish, the amazing thing is that even local authorities waste bucketloads of money they can ill afford on an outfit that simply tells them the bleedin' obvious...

 

I worked for British Airways for 35 years, took early retirement in 2005 when the poison dwarf (Willie Walsh) was taking over. Most of the courses that they sent you were the biggest load of *ollocks. I remember one course with about 200 staff attending and at the introductions they had several people who were running the course going round with roving mics asking staff what was their greatest moment whilst at British Airways? You got all the 'Go for it' people giving their greatest moments, no problem in that if that is what they want. One of the blokes come up to me with his mic and asked me if I would like to share my greatest moment? I told him quietly to shove his mic up his *rse.

 

It's a suicidal impulse in the case of some people to ask these questions to people in public without having any idea of what the response will be, on the assumption that everyone either feels the same as them about the privilege of work or is prepared to lie for a quiet life. When I joined a newly formed team a few years ago, the boss (a Canadian bloke who turned out ok after I had tutored him in the ways of righteousness) gathered everyone together from various bits of the world for a kick off meeting in that big hotel on Trafalgar Square. On a Sunday! He had clearly read some management guru crap, and launched into a convoluted description of an old bridge he had seen in Winchester, and how it was a link between the past and the future, before asking us to 'share' what we hoped our 'legacy' in the company would be. He started with me. I asked him if he was sure he wanted to start with me and he said yes. So I told him the truth, that I expected to leave absolutely no impression or legacy on the business, and had no ambition to, and apart from some memories of laughs with a few colleagues who were also friends, I would be forgotten within a few weeks, just like everyone else. And that I was perfectly happy with that. The exercise stopped in its tracks right there. I bought him a pint later and advised that if you want to work out people's motivations, particularly more experienced staff, it's best to ask them 1:1. Although that can backfire too - had a new, young American boss before that, who in our first meeting asked me about my career ambitions. I told him that I wanted his job, was fully capable of doing it immediately, but knew I wouldn't get the chance because I wasn't from the US. All of which was factually true. Got promoted out of that role within a month, win-win, and I actually got on very well with the bloke as he rose like a rocket through the organisation.

I should stress that I am lucky enough to enjoy work and have a good time, to the extent that now I am close to being able to retire I am doubting if I really want to. Which I recognise is a genuine privilege. But much more of this useless psychobabble will make the decision easier.