Masturbating Spider watched me whilst I showered

Squelcher won't like that mate.

 

Snap, Crackle, Pop!

 

I prefer to drop my load either in or on a woman mate.

I'd have thought a sex God like you would do the same, instead we find out that you use a flannel and a **** sock.

 

Read all of my posts, Tobias!

 

Calm down Squelcher. Nobody is judging you.

Most men prefer to have sex with women, you prefer socks.

 

Shower or toilet is my normal place when going solo.

 

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Could be worse. Could put googly-eyes on it and stick big felt lips on it.

 

I have a 2 ft long rubber dildo with a face drawn on it called "Denby" hidden in my attic.

Back in University, I worked in a bookshop and we'd always get some cheap crap on clearance that I would buy as gag gifts for my mates birthdays. For example the guy who once dated a girl a little on the young side got a gymnastics calendar full of tween girls for his birthday as a joke.

Another guy got a "Where's Waldo" poster book (I think it's "Where's Wally" in England but it's Waldo over here) Being as mature then as I am now I crossed out "Wa" and put in "Di" so it became Dildo then I drew a dildo on every page.

Anyhow my birthday was the next week I came back to my dorm room to see this giant dildo on my bed with the word "here's the dildo" attached to it on a tag.

We named the dildo Denby, drew a face on iy and it became our Hall mascot. Took it all round town (and even up to DC) and had photos taken with it at all the monuments. He was the subject of many kidnap attempts from other halls on campus and various pranks.

These days Denby hides in the attic so the kids won't find him and ask questions.

 

I was too scared to read past this point.....

 

Denby isn't scary. He's friendly, although he's beginning to crumble now after being in the hot attic for years. I wouldn't recommend inserting him anywhere.

 

Frightening but I hear there's a clown on here who got one up his rectum.

 

Not sure why nobody has asked @Bodinki wtf he was doing 'jizzing in an inflatable sheep'?

For one, how did you reach orgasm knowing you were balls deep in a sheep?

Secondly, just ffs

 

I was a tad surprised that no one pulled me up on that aswell.
I was pissed as a fart, so my memory is a little hazy, so am not really able to elaborate much.....but would you really want me to?

 

Last few pages are gold.

 

One good thing though, I wont get sheep jokes from @Bodinki

 

I wasn't surprised, I just kind of assumed he had at some point.

 

Let's face it, mate, the general tenure of this thread has tended towards the bizarre and the perverse.

It started off with the premise of a spider that likes to **** whilst having a crafty gander at Milky's nut-sack ffs!

 

Certainly one of the most bizarre pre season threads we have had

 

I'm surprised you haven't dropped your (excellent) Masturbating Monkey jibe yet, mate!