Lighthearted

ADD YOUR OWN JOKE...WE ARE IN dIVI 1 but lets keep OUR HUMOUR


Q: Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.

 

A nun walks into the office of the Mother Superior and says in a quiet voice 'Mother I have sinned and wish to leave the nunnery and become a prostitute' The Mother Superior slightly deaf shouts out 'how can you do this giving your life to God then turning your back on him' The nun replies 'Sorry Mother but I have been having these carnal thoughts for some years now and don't think I can go on without discovering about sex and being a prostitute seems the best way to scratch the itch' The Mother Superior suddenly smiles and says 'ah go with God child I thought you were saying you wanted to become a Protestant'

 

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'

'I was stung by a bee', she said. 'Where?', he asked.

'Between the first and second hole', she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your feet were too far apart.'

 

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia , the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food every day and I get a free trip to Australia.”
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience then got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."

 

...thats A CRACKER

An englishman an irishman and scotsman walked into a bar in Cardiff..the barmen looked at them and said "is this a joke?"

 

**** The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.*
**** Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?
**** 'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'*
**** 'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.*
**** The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.** Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'*
** *'You dumber than buffalo ****. It means someone stole the tent.'

 

.

 

On boarding a flight to San Francisco, a lady wearing a Bristol Rovers shirt went straight to the first class area and sat down.

The stewardess approached her and said 'I'm sorry you can't sit here ,you don't have a first class ticket'.
The lady replied 'I am a Bristol Rovers supporter; I always travel first class and if you try to move me I'll scream and shout rape'.

The stewardess was rather taken back by her answer, and being new to the job, she called upon the chief steward for his help.

The chief steward approached the lady and explained to her that as she didn't have a first class ticket, she would have to move. The lady was prepared for this and said 'I am a Bristol Rovers supporter and I do have a first class ticket in my knickers but if you try to get it, I'll shout and scream and shout rape'.

The chief steward was likewise taken aback, and as the plane was well on its way to San Francisco, he reported the incident to the captain.

The captain said 'Well actually my wife is also a Bristol Rovers supporter, so I think I know how to handle this'.

He gave the control of the plane to his co-pilot, walked into the first class compartment, said a few words to the lady who got up from her seat very embarressed, and walked quietly back to the the second class area.

'How did you manage that' asked the chief steward in admiration.
'I just told her that that first class goes to Las Vegas'

 

On boarding a flight to San Francisco, a lady wearing a Bristol Rovers shirt went straight to the first class area and sat down.

The stewardess approached her and said 'I'm sorry you can't sit here ,you don't have a first class ticket'.
The lady replied 'I am a Bristol Rovers supporter; I always travel first class and if you try to move me I'll scream and shout rape'.

The stewardess was rather taken back by her answer, and being new to the job, she called upon the chief steward for his help.

The chief steward approached the lady and explained to her that as she didn't have a first class ticket, she would have to move. The lady was prepared for this and said 'I am a Bristol Rovers supporter and I do have a first class ticket in my knickers but if you try to get it, I'll shout and scream and shout rape'.

The chief steward was likewise taken aback, and as the plane was well on its way to San Francisco, he reported the incident to the captain.

The captain said 'Well actually my wife is also a Bristol Rovers supporter, so I think I know how to handle this'.

He gave the control of the plane to his co-pilot, walked into the first class compartment, said a few words to the lady who got up from her seat very embarressed, and walked quietly back to the the second class area.

'How did you manage that' asked the chief steward in admiration.
'I just told her that that first class goes to Las Vegas'

 

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.

She opened it, slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”

 

An old couple are in a taxi in America.

The taxi driver says "So which part of England are you folks from?"

The old man replies "From Yorkshire"

The old lady says "What did he say?"

The old man says "He asked which part of England we are from and I said Yorkshire"

The taxi driver says "I've been to Yorkshire once. I stayed with an old couple. The woman was horrible, a right bitch, it put me off going to England forever."

The old lady says "What did he say?"

The old man says "I think the driver knows you!"

 

A man gets stuck in traffic near parliament.

He asks a police officer what the hold-up is, and is told:
"The prime minister is so depressed about the UK's debt that he's stopped his car and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself alight."
"What are you going to do?" asks the man.
"We're putting together a collection for him," says the officer.
"How much have you got?" asks the man.
"About 40 gallons," says the officer.

 

Bristol Rovers

 

Ho ho ho .....

 

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an intelligent rovers supporter, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when simultaneously they each spot a fifty quid note. Who gets it?

A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

 

The Seven Dwarfs were marching through the forest one day when they fell down a deep, dark ravine.
Snow White, who was following along, peered over the edge of the steep chasm and called out to the fallen dwarfs.
From the depths of the dark hole a voice returned, " BCFC are promotion hopefuls."
Snow White thought to herself, "Thank God... at least Dopey's survived!"

 

What do you get when you cross a bunny with an onion?
A bunion

What did the bunny want to do when he grew up?
Join the Hare Force.

What do you call a bunny with a large brain?
Egghead!

 

The mother-in-law comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and packing his suitcase.

"What happened?"

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife saying that I was coming home from my trip today. I got home and guess what I found? My wife, yes, my Rachel, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is the end of our marriage, I will leave forever!"

"Calm down!" says mother-in-law. "There is something odd about this story. Rachel would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check what happened."

Moments later, mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "You see, I said there must be a simple explanation... Rachel didn't receive your email."