Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, “Bow-wow!” The cat ran away. “What was that, Father?” asked Baby Mouse. “Well, son, that’s why it’s important to learn a second language

 

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons. My son was born on St George’s Day,“ commented the English man. "So we obviously decided to call him George” “That’s a real coincidence,” remarked the Scot. “My son was born on St Andrew’s Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew.”
“That’s incredible, what a coincidence, "said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.”

 

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One day, a little pig walked into a bar. He drank heavily, paid the amount and asked the bartender, "Which way to the bathroom?" She answered, "Go down the hall, first door on your left." The pig went to the bathroom and left.
The next day another little pig came into the bar. The similar thing happened to him too. This went on for another week.
One day a pig walked in, drank and started to walk out.
The bartender stopped him and asked, "Aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?"
The little pig replied "No, I'm going wee wee wee all the way home..."

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John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife’s side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into he room and asked him to take this note to your beautiful mommy. The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to take this to your silly daddy. Her note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to the lady in the kitchen. His note read:

The Tent Pole’s Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You’re Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to take this to the poor dude upstairs. Her note read:

I’m Sure That Your Pole’s
The Best In The Land.
But I’m Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand.

 

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.' She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways. Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer bloody candle.'

 

A blind man walks into a bar ......... and a table .......... and a door............and a staircase.

 

My wife told me that I'm a terrible listener and a bunch of other stuff.

 

Scottish Wikipedia

https://sco.wikipedia.org/wiki/Main_Page

 

A new vibrator has gone on sale.It's so realistic that just before the women reaches orgasm it cums,coughs,farts, goes limp then switches itself off!

 

just been watching the ladies beach volleyball today,and there has already been a bad wrist injury...The doctor says I should be ok by the morning though!

 

Virginity Snapping
Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?"
After the doctor stops laughing he says, " Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping." The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for it.
They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things begin to progress and as her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks:
"What the hell was that?"
The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping."
The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"

 

Trevor has a dance coming up and he wants to ask out Sally. He would do anything to go with her and he knows she doesn't have a date. The only problem is that whenever he sees her he gets an extremely large boner. Before he asks her, he practices not getting a boner but nothing works. So he decides to just call her so he doesn't risk a boner. So he calls her and stutters through the words, but she thinks it is cute so she accepts.

At this point he realizes he didn't find a solution to the problem he just put it off. But then he has a great idea! He ties his penis to his leg to conceal the boner. On the day of the dance he heads over to her house and knocks on the door. She answers the door and he kicks her in the face.

 

Two blondes were walking through the countryside when one says "oh, look at those tracks are they Deer" the other says "no stupid, they're rabbit"
They were still arguing when the train hit them.

 

The lion was proud of his mastery of the animal kingdom. One day he decided to make sure all the other animals knew he was king of the jungle. He was so confident that he bypassed the smaller animals and went straight to the bear. "Who is the king of the jungle?" the lion asked.

"Why, of course, you are," the bear replied. The lion gave a mighty roar of approval.

Next he asked the tiger, "Who is the king of the jungle?"

The tiger quickly responded, "Everyone knows that YOU are, oh mighty lion."

Next on the list was the elephant. "Who is the king of the jungle?" the lion asked.

The elephant immediately grabbed the lion with his trunk, whirled him around in the air five or six times and slammed him into a tree. Then he pounded him onto the ground several times, dunked him under water in a nearby lake and finally dumped him out on the shore.

The lion — beaten, bruised and battered — struggled to his feet.

"Look," he told the elephant, "just because you don't know the answer is no reason to get upset."

 

Wayne Rooney goes into Burger King and asked for a couple of Whoppers. The cashier says, "no problem sir, you are a good looking guy and underpaid."

 

A man was dining alone in a fancy
restaurant and there was a gorgeous
redhead sitting at the next table. He had
been checking her out since he sat down,
but lacked the nerve to talk with her.********************
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye
came flying out of its socket towards the
man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me
buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
**********************
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.*************************
After paying for everything, she asked him
if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.************************
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!*************************
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . ..








She said ... .....:
'You just happened to catch my eye.'

 

The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe
1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng
2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle
3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle
4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz
5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field
6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons
7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin
8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne
9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel
10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King
11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes
12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff
13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang
14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess
15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine

 

I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.

 

What do Kiwi's and sperm have in common?Millions of them enter and only a couple of them actually work.

 

I'd never heard this, apologies if everyone has