Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

Time for a clear, serious grammar lesson...
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words. In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.
The final question was: How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
Here is his astute answer:
When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!
He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch!

 

A priest was invited to attend a house party.Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his Priest's Collar.
A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening..

Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at.

The little boy pointed to the priest's neck

When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked
the boy; "Do you know why I am wearing that?"

The boy nodded his head yes, and replied,
"It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months".

 

Why I Like Retirement !

Question:How many days in a week?
Answer:6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday


Question:When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer:Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question:How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer:Only one, but it might take all day.
Question:What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer:There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question:Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer:The term comes with a 10% discount.
Question:Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer:Tied shoes.

Question:Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer:They are the only ones who have the time.
Question:What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer:NUTS!

Question:Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer:They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.


Question:What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer:Normal.
Question:What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer:The never ending Coffee Break.

Question:What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer:If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question:Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer:He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

And, my very favorite....
QUESTION:What do you do all week?
Answer:Monday through Friday, NOTHING. Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

SERENITY

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied....
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked...
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs
and have fun finding them.

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate
cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my
hands and feet anymore. Can't remember
if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and
down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time Igot my leotards on,
the class was over.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same
noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuffin my
shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway, the good fortune
to run into the ones I do, and the
eyesight to tell thedifference.

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!

 

THE PRIEST'S RETIREMENT DINNER..

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the parish.
A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
"Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humour!
I got my first impression of this parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set, and when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.
He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had sex with his boss's 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister-in-law.
I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things.
But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived," said the politician.
"In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: Never, never be late...

 

Irish Fire Insurance
A man and his wife moved back home to County Cork, from London.The wife had awooden leg and to insure it in Britain was£2000.00 a year!When they arrived in Bailieborough, they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '€39.00.'The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure, because it cost him £2000.00 in England!The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen,it says:*Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is €39.00.*