Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow. The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy.

About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try. The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow.

"What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.

"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."

 

....................the other is in the Albert Hall

 

A man in Tesco tries to buy half a cauliflower. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers.

The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some prat out there wants to buy half a cauliflower."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Liverpool, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Liverpool?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Liverpool."

"You're kidding?" replied the boy. "Who did she play for?"

 

Three guys sit in a bar complaining about their wives. The first guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn't have a garage door." The second guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she listens to an iPod and she doesn't have any earphones." The third guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries a purse full of condoms and she doesn't even have a dick."

 

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas.
With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little idiot on your knee!"

 

A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving.
The car was going back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police.
A police officer pulled the car over.
A blonde rolls down the window and says, "Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!"
The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

 

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.
She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.
On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.
As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35,"he replied.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.
After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question.
He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."
"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.
While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.
He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."
There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt.
After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."
Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

 

I walked in from work this evening to find my wife lying on the couch, naked, with her legs in the air, sliding a coat hanger in and out of her minge.
"Oh for ****'s sake, you tart!" I said. "Have some ****ing dignity about yourself and at least use a ****ing dildo or something."
"Oh piss off, " she snapped. "What do you think I'm looking for?"

 

Two men are sitting in the doctor's office. The one looks at the other one and says "What are you here for?"
The man replied "I have a red ring around my pecker. What are you here for?"
The other man said "I have a green ring around my pecker".
The doctor called the man with the red ring first in his office and examined him.
As he was walking out he told the other guy it was no problem.
The doctor called the man in with the green ring around his pecker and examined him.
The doctor says "Your pecker is gonna fall off and you are gonna die".
The man says "What?? You told the man with the red ring he was okay, but I'm gonna die??"
The doctor said "Yes but there's a lot of difference lipstick and gangrene!"

 

In the process of moving house and it's not going to well so I popped into the pub for a pint. I said to the landlord " do you know what I think solicitors are c@nts "
A bloke then tapped me on the shoulder and said " I've just heard what you said you bastard "
I said " are you a solicitor "
He replied " no I'm a c@nt "