Yet Another Daily Mash Thread from luvgonzo Don't all laugh too Much!

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/sport...t-of-season-behind-closed-doors-2014082689860

MANCHESTER United has banned all spectators because they’re putting off the players.

Following a defeat and a draw in their first two games of the season, the club decided that continuing scrutiny is only getting everyone down.

Manager Louis van Gaal said: “Anyone expecting to see exciting, end-to-end football the way United used to do it is only going to be disappointed, and why should we have to put up with their miserable faces?

“No spectators will be allowed through the gates, apart from anyone with a cheap season ticket at the back of the top tiers who can’t see anything anyway.

“Fans are, however, still required to spend a minimum of £120 per game in the club shop.”

“During live broadcasts assistant coach Albert Stuivenberg will portray the on-pitch action with the same glove puppets that he uses to explain positional play to Tom Cleverley.”

Van Gaal continued: “I expect results to improve immediately.

“For example, if Burnley claim they earned a 2-2 draw and we say we beat them 4-1, then who are you going to believe?

“Them, or our expensive lawyers?”

 

.

 

if you have produced this yourself, FFS just give up now. It is cringingly bad..

 

Wasn't the original Gonzo a muppet ?
No need to comment any further

 

Hyperlinks should be larger and in a rotating colour.

 

I'll have you know that there is only one, just one of me.

 

I missed this one.................


http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/sport...rewarded-for-unstinting-loyalty-2014081489566

Rooney rewarded for unstinting loyalty


MANCHESTER United has made Wayne Rooney its new captain as reward for his unswerving dedication to the club.

According to chief executive Ed Woodward, the appointment is the logical next step in Rooney’s Man United career, after the 28-year old demonstrated his loyalty by submitting just two transfer requests in the past four years.

Woodward said: “He has worked tirelessly to inspire his teammates through his repeated efforts to force a move to Real Madrid, his constant jockeying for a wage increase and his recurring bouts of fatness.

“We’re confident that he will set an excellent example to younger players, who can always look to him for a comforting elbow to the ribs or a quiet four-letter word in the ear.”

Manchester United fan Donna Sheridan said: “It’s a good thing there are no recent instances of this club getting a big decision wrong, as the seamless handover from Alex Ferguson to Louis van Gaal demonstrates.”

Rooney has promised to repay the club by gorging himself on waffles, getting in a mood, and demanding another pay rise in six months’ time.

 

Jesus christ

 

And by showing the Board member's grand mothers a good time

 

I thought the Rooney one was quite good.

 

Ok. I realise now that even such bad pieces are beyond a RS...

Too f**ing obvious. Not as remotely funny as the other one about Giggs and LVG.

 

I love the way that the internet confuses you.