Some great examples below: These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court,*word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan!_______________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?* WITNESS: July 18th.* ATTORNEY: What year?* WITNESS: Every year.*_____________________________________* ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?* WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.* ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?* WITNESS: Forty-five years.*_________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.___________________________________________* ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you ****ting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ___________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess.___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male._____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight._________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral..._________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?___________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Last one You rarely get that in courts here unless a junky decides to start arguing with the judge or pf
There was one barrister called Marc Rivalland who responded to the other side's claims of an accident being an act of God by saying he had checked the records for acts of God and found none
My favourite was a question on a US game show Q "who was assassinated in Dallas on 22 November 1963"? A "I don't know - I didn't watch it that night......"
This story is allegedly true. The scene is a Glasgow court and a witness (a ned) is being questioned by a rather plummy mouthed Advocate Depute (AD) AD "You say you went up to your friends house that night. Why did you go there?" Witness "Tae get a tap." AD "Is your friend a plumber?" Witness "Naw." AD " Are you a plumber?" Witness "Naw" The witness is a bit bewildered by this line of questioning and the AD realises it, but notices that the court police officer is rubbing his fingers of one hand together in the universal gesture of money. Daylight apparently dawns on the AD and he changes his line of questioning accordingly. AD "So you went to the house to borrow money?" Witness "Naw." AD "Ah. You went to the house to lend money?" Witness "Naw." In exasperation the AD says, " You told the court you went to your friend's house for a tap. What kind of tap was it?" Witness "A Sellick tap."
(the following one isn't true, I don't think) English Lit Prof from the USA visits Glasgow University to lecture on the few absolute rules the English language has and why so many of its regular rules are broken and why. At one point, he says "Although English quite often confuses its own rules, a double negative is positive, a positive and a negative always negative but a double positive is NEVER negative." Wee guy up the back goes "Aye, rrrrrriiiiiggghhhht"
Seen these years ago there's also a collection of letters to the local council out there... "My wife has had the clerk of works on our kitchen floor thirteen times and she's still not satisfied" etc.
British folk are just as bad A recent survey from Thomas Cook and the Association of British Travel Agents revealed 20 of the most ridiculous complaints by holiday-makers made to their travel agent. 1. “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.” 2. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time — this should be banned.” 3. “On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food at all.” 4. “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels.” 5. A tourist at a top African Game Lodge overlooking a water hole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel “inadequate.” 6. A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she’d been locked in her hotel room by staff. In fact, she had mistaken the “do not disturb” sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room. 7. “The beach was too sandy.” 8. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure.Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white.” 9. A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time. 10. “Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.” 11. “We bought ‘Ray-Ban’ sunglasses for five euros from a street trader, only to find out they were fake.” 12. “No one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.” 13. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England, it only took the Americans three hours to get home.” 14. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends’ three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller.” 15. “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the accommodation.’ We’re trainee hairdressers — will we be OK staying there?” 16. “There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad.” 17. “We had to queue outside with no air conditioning.” 18. “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.” 19. “I was bitten by a mosquito, no-one said they could bite.” 20. “My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”
Seville "story"... After the match finshed, loads of people made their way back to the airport - loads of folk - all pished. Airport stewards shocked at influx of boozed up sunburnt ****s, so just started to put people on any plane going to where they said their destination was ... One plane onway to Glasgow announces "Ladies and Gentlemen, we wil be shortly landing in Glasgow" Massive cheer! Two seconds later... "Aaw **** man... a drove tae Seville"
On a less humourous note ---------------------------------------- http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/feedarticle/10772984 ---------------------------------------- A 5-year-old boy accidentally shot his 2-year-old sister to death in rural southern Kentucky with a rifle he had received as a gift last year, authorities said. The children's mother was home at the time of the shooting Tuesday afternoon but had stepped on to the porch for "no more than three minutes," Cumberland County Coroner Gary White told WKYT-TV. White told the Lexington Herald-Leader the boy received the .22-caliber rifle as a gift. He said the rifle was kept in a corner and the family didn't realize a bullet was left inside it. ----------------------------------- Beyond belief
