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Worst joke of the week

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by Otto Flayshow, Jul 30, 2012.

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  1. Otto Flayshow

    Otto Flayshow Well-Known Member

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    Shakespeare walks into a pub and the barman says, '**** off. You're Bard.'

    Beat that.
     
    #1
    Otto Flayshow, Jul 30, 2012
  2. MrT

    MrT Well-Known Member

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    Man walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder.

    'Pint for me and a hauf of whisky for Tiny' he asks the barman.

    Barman replies 'Why do you call him Tiny?'

    'Cos he's my newt'.
     
    #2
    MrT, Jul 30, 2012
  3. Ciaran

    Ciaran Going for 55

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    What do you call a snail on a boat?

    A Snailor.
     
    #3
    Ciaran, Jul 30, 2012
  4. TC (Lovely Geezer)

    TC (Lovely Geezer) Well-Known Member

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    Why did the chicken cross the road?



    To see where the cocks hang out!
     
    #4
    TC (Lovely Geezer), Jul 30, 2012
  5. Peter the spastic paedo

    Peter the spastic paedo New Member

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    What's red and lies in the gutter.

    A dead bus.
     
    #5
    Peter the spastic paedo, Jul 30, 2012
  6. Bib Fortuna's Maw

    Bib Fortuna's Maw Well-Known Member

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    What's blue and ****s old grannies?



    Me wearing a denim jacket.
     
    #6
    Bib Fortuna's Maw, Jul 30, 2012
  7. Peter the spastic paedo

    Peter the spastic paedo New Member

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    What's white wears checked trousers and lives in a tree?

    Rupert the fridge.
     
    #7
    Peter the spastic paedo, Jul 30, 2012
  8. Cyclonic

    Cyclonic Well Hung Member

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    One from Dan on the Racing forum.

    Saw an advert in Argos last week "36 inch TV £25 no volume control". I bought one - couldn't turn it down could i?


    <laugh> A classic.
     
    #8
    Cyclonic, Jul 30, 2012
  9. gas

    gas ACCOUNT DELETED
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    How do you hide an Elephant?

    Paint his balls red and sit him in a cherry tree.

    :(
     
    #9
    gas, Jul 30, 2012
  10. Ciaran

    Ciaran Going for 55

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    How many Rangers fans does it take to change a light bulb?

    10. 1 to change it and the other 9 to tell everyone it's the same bulb.
     
    #10
    Ciaran, Jul 30, 2012

  11. Mick

    Mick Probably won't answer PMs
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    Two ducks flying over Belfast.

    First one said: "quack quack"
    other one said: "I'm going as quack as I ****ing can!"
     
    #11
    Mick, Jul 30, 2012
  12. Mick

    Mick Probably won't answer PMs
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    Two cows were standing said I a field

    The first one said: "Mooooooooooooooooooo"


    The second one said: "**** You I was gonna say that!"
     
    #12
    Mick, Jul 30, 2012
  13. Null

    Null Well-Known Member
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    I went into the bakers the other day, pointed to counter and asked
    Girl behind the counter said
     
    #13
    Null, Jul 30, 2012
  14. Null

    Null Well-Known Member
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    Wee woman went the Doctors complaining of dizzyspells. Doctor asked
    . Wee Woman replied
     
    #14
    Null, Jul 30, 2012
  15. Bib Fortuna's Maw

    Bib Fortuna's Maw Well-Known Member

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    In a similar vein to Pud's:

    A guy goes into a butchers where the butcher is warming himself in front of an open fire. Guy points to some back rind of pig meat in the display

    To which, the baker replied

     
    #15
    Bib Fortuna's Maw, Jul 30, 2012
  16. Go G YellowScreen

    Go G YellowScreen Well-Known Member

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    The barman says "We don't get many faster-than-light particles in here!"

    A neutrino walks into a bar.
     
    #16
    Go G YellowScreen, Jul 30, 2012
  17. Null

    Null Well-Known Member
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    Went into a Butchers and saw two peices of meat stuck to the roof. Buctcher said
    . I said
     
    #17
    Null, Jul 30, 2012
  18. Null

    Null Well-Known Member
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    Went into Go Outdoor the other day and asked
    , assitant said
    , so I lowered my voice and asked again!
     
    #18
    Null, Jul 30, 2012
  19. Null

    Null Well-Known Member
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    Was looking for a mobile holiday home, so I went to the local car dealer and asked
    . The assistant said
    so I lisped up my voice, bent my wrist and asked again.
     
    #19
    Null, Jul 30, 2012
  20. Null

    Null Well-Known Member
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    Hear about the Irish pimp?

    Bought a warehouse!
     
    #20
    Null, Jul 30, 2012
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