what would you buy pards for Christmas

From me Alan(roy castle)pardew you can have the Guinness book of records,due to the amount of records you hold you probably have your own page

 

A DVD of our 5-1 win against that lot down the road. To show the correct way to play a derby match.

 

A centre half

 

Ronaldo?

 

I'd buy him a hat, so he doesn't feel the need to create friction with other people's heads to keep warm.

And vouchers. Because that's how it's ****ing done at this time of year. People look at me like I'm crazy for leaving it til the last minute to do my shopping, like I'm going to head down to the Metro Centre and stare down or bear-wrestle an old hag for some crappy cuddly toy I don't even want, with spittle and foam flying from my lips like some possessed or rabid animal, when actually I wait in line for one minute, and say "vouchers please". Done. Don't know what you idiots are doing

 

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Attacking-Soccer-tactical-Massimo-Lucchesi/dp/1890946710/ref=pd_bxgy_b_text_z

This is what I would get him!

 

Hahaha

 

Just been to the MC. In and out quicker than ACS on a red head. I can't see the fuss. Park on the top, whizz round, done. People spend way too much time thinking about extra presents etc. I have a list (in my head, like any self respecting man, I don't need to write it down), I get what's on the list and leave. There were loads of poor saps being dragged round by the better halfs or just looking generally confused. Two simple rules - first don't go round with a woman, they ****ing love shopping, and second, don't be a fanny.

 

Don't talk dirty to me baby

 

My favourite is always the bloke who starts walking one way, looks up bewildered with which colour zone he is meant to be in, starts heading back, before about turning and passing you at a brisk pace moments later.

My lass is snidey little ****er mind. Her mother does a fair bit of babysitting for us so I feel obliged to get her something. So we're sitting the other night and I'm running through ideas for members of the family. I say "your mum likes coffee, so I am going to get her a Tassimo". Quick as a flash snidey says "Oh yeah, that's a really good idea, I suppose I could go halfs with you cause I can't think of anything". Er no, you'll just have to think of something. I then say "I'm getting your dad a model kit General Lee Charger off the Dukes of Hazzard" She says "You are really good at this, can I have that one"

Honestly I think she does it to piss me off. I could piss her off quite easily but choose not to. For instance I could say "I was going through the cupboard upstairs and have seen the Breaking Bad Heisenberg T-Shirt you've got me as part of my xmas present" But no, I'm not a complete twat so I'll act surprised and say "you know me so well". She better have a sexy santa outfit to wear on xmas eve or xmas is ruined.

 

I'm glad I'm not the only one who subscribes to the "it's not the taking part, it's the winning at Christmas that matters" theory!!!

 

I would buy him a copy of the Casper Slide and make him watch it continuously, to show how annoying pointless **** can be.

 

[video=youtube_share;sWpUQBsRHGs]http://youtu.be/sWpUQBsRHGs[/video]

 

I'd get him his P.45 so he can go and manage some other team more akin to his ability, Hartlepool

 

I would give the useless prick a single train ticket to London

 

Sorry, Can I have the t-shirt back please. I must left it there while I was helping your missus try on her sexy Santa outfit, which by the way is ruined now.

 

some truth syrum so that he stops feeding the fans a load of old ****e at his pressers....

 

Get mine online in October, delivered through post to the lucky beneficiaries, no lines, no queues, no fuss, Idiot?

 

I would get him a book, a big thick book, doesn't really matter what book as long as its thick.
He can then use it in April to stick down his pants when he gets another spanking off Poyet.

Along with book, a couple of accessories - a big tin hat and ear muffs, cos he'll need them when he returns to SJP on the 18th April against the Spuds.

 

No you see that's TOO organised. You took it too far BTK. Too far.