What We Already Know In Figures And Endless BORING Tables And A Picture Of Mila Kunis Naked

Ok, so you're a Newcastle fan, and you think our club has been run by the most singularly unambitious cheapskates known to human existence, and that we've slowly become a selling club, a finishing school for the potentially gifted, and about as tight-fisted as a Mackem winger offering gyno-services to kids.... Well you're wrong. Yeah, how do you feel about that, wise-guy?

Actually, you aren't, I just wanted to see your face when I said that (check the rustling of bushes outside...)... Here's a table to confirm your suspicions:

# Nett Spend 03/04 - 13/14
-----Team-------------Purchased---Sold-----Nett-------Per Season

1 Chelsea--------------£924M---- £352M---£571M-------£48M
2 Manchester City----£796M-----£228M---£568M-------£47M
3 Manchester United-£593M----£284M----£309M-------£26M
4 Liverpool-------------£608M-----£372M----£236M-------£20M
5 Aston Villa-----------£245M-----£114M----£132M------£11M
6 Sunderland----------£230M-----£134M----£96M--------£8M
7 Tottenham-----------£502M-----£410M----£91M--------£8M
8 Stoke City------------£107M-----£20M-----£86M--------£7M
9 Arsenal----------------£391M----£308M----£83M--------£7M
10 QPR------------------£121M----£40M-----£80M---------£7M
11 Hull City (Where I got the table from ****ed up their figures, but it assures me they're 11th)
12 West Ham----------£180M-----£112M---£69M---------£6M
15 West Brom---------£112M-----£66M-----£46M---------£4M
14 Lieicester-----------£41M-------£11M-----£31M---------£3M
15 Everton-------------£193M-----£164M-----£29M--------£2M
16 Crystal Palace-----£70M------£44M------£26M---------£2M
17 Newcastle----------£226M-----£211M----£15M---------£1M
18 Swansea------------£77M------£63M------£12M---------£1M
19 Southampton------£164M------£155M-----£9M---------£800K
20 Burnley-------------£28M--------£30M-(profit)£1M------- (profit)£100K
*apologies for any discrepancies. I rounded up figures to make it easier to understand (for Surprised Pervert).

So, since the last glory-days anyone associated with this club can remember, we've spent the 9th most amount of money on players (behind Sunderland... but they did employ Jabba the Bruce for a few seasons, so let's not get too jealous of all those Man Utd rejects)... but also cashed in the 7th highest total (behind Man City, Arsenal, Man Utd, Spurs, Liverpool and Chelsea... teams that spend vast fortunes on players, and will inevitably recoup some when they move on seconds later). So, either we're about as loyal to our players as Cheick Tiote is to his two wives and Papiss is to his multitude of concubines, or since Sir Bob we've quite simply not adopted an ethic of honing a team, but instead we're an amsterdam-red-light-district-esque tourist peep show for premier league scouts.

So, now I have you suitably enthralled with things you definitely didn't know, let's check over the last five seasons, and see where our wealthy billionaire benefactor has us in the table of net spend per season (I bet you're surprised):

Last 5 Seasons:

#Net Spend last 5 Years

-----Team---------------------Purchased-------Sold-------Nett------------Per Season
1Manchester City------------£475M----------£147M----£328M----------£66M
2Chelsea----------------------£499M----------£226M----£272M----------£55M
3Manchester United---------£356M----------£83M-----£274M----------£55M
4Liverpool---------------------£352M-----------£222M---£130M----------£26M
5Arsenal-----------------------£258M----------£162M----£96M-----------£19M
6West Ham-------------------£95M-----------£13M------ £82M-----------£16M
7QPR--------------------------£107M----------£39M------£68M-----------£13M
8Stoke City--------------------£61M-----------£8M--------£54M----------£11M
9Hull City (Honestly, they must have something against Hull)
10Crystal Palace------------£54M-----------£19M-------£35M-----------£7M
11Southampton--------------£140M--------£106M------£34M------------£7M
12Aston Villa-----------------£104M---------£72M-------£32M------------£7M
13Sunderland-----------------£118M--------£89M-------£29M------------£6M
14Leicester---------------------£33M---------£4M---------£29M-----------£6M
15West Brom-----------------£52M----------£25M--------£27M-----------£5M
16Swansea--------------------£72M----------£66M-------£6M--------------£1M
17Everton----------------------£88M----------£84M--------£4M-------------£800K
18Newcastle------------------£100M---------£99M--------£1M-------------£300K (actual figure 250K)
19Burnley----------------------£14M----------£20M-(profit)£6M---(profit)-£1M
20Tottenham-----------------£220M----------£242M(profit)£22M-(profit)£4M

SURPRISE!!!!!!!
Wait.... what are you doing with that rickety stool and that rope? Of course Mike Ashley is going to have us challenging for champions league football... of course he's going to provide us with the funds he's been hoarding away like an insomniac hamster... Before you lose hope and stop refreshing BBC Sport every three seconds in the vain hope we'll sign someone like the good little fanatic you are, here's a table of what we have accomplished while spending so little (well, we've spent the 11th most (below Sunderland again... maybe they should just wait for the wingers to offend, then they can sign them straight out of prison much cheaper... oh wait, I forgot Man United might be retiring a back-up centre back or two), but we've once again attained the 7th most from player sales, indicating a lack of longevity and team-building. We're a cattle-market club... And really we're only 7th because Liverpool bought the region of Southampton and everyone in it for 18 billion stole TVs, sold Suarez for what his agent was told was £20 , and Real Madrid needed a living representative of Homo Habilis for their pre-match petting zoo).

LAST FIVE YEARS RESULTS TABLE------------------------------------


-----------TEAM-----------Total Points---Mean Finish on TP-----Mean Actual Finish
1. Man City-----------------------403----------2nd/3rd--------------------2nd
2. Chelsea-----------------------379-----------3rd--------------------------3rd
3. Man Utd-----------------------392-----------3rd------------------------- 3rd
4. Arsenal------------------------365-----------3rd/4th---------------------4th
5. Spurs---------------------------336-----------4th-5th---------------------5th
6. Liverpool-----------------------317-----------5th/6th---------------------6th
7. Everton-------------------------292-----------6th/7th--------------------7th
8. Southampton------------------157(/3)--------8th/9th-------------------10th
9. Swansea-----------------------191(/4)--------10th/11th----------------10th
10. Crystal Palace---------------93(/2)----------11th/12th----------------10th
11. Newcastle---------------------240----------10th/11th------------------12th
12. Stoke---------------------------237-------------10th/11th---------------12th
13 West Brom---------------------223------------12th/13th----------------12th
14. West Ham---------------------166(/4)--------15th----------------------14th
15. Sunderland--------------------207----------15th/16th------------------14th
16. Villa-----------------------------203-----------15th/16th-----------------14th
17. Leicester-----------------------41(/1)-----------15th/16th----------------14th
18. Hull------------------------------72(/2)----------17th/18th----------------17th
19. Burnley-------------------------33(/1)-----------19th----------------------19th
20. QPR----------------------------92(/3)-----------19th/20th---------------19th

*TPs position rating taken from mean scores for each place over 2003-2013 period in table on this link.
http://statsbomb.com/2014/01/the-premier-league-2003-2013-points-per-league-position/

Ta-da! Hooray... mid-table... well, not as safe a mid-table as others. We're up and down like a Sunderland player's pants when he sees a school bus. However, broadly speaking, if you had to outline realistic expectations for the club over the next season, this table is a bit of a sobering insight.

So... To turn that frown upside down, here's the final table in my presentation, which Ashley-lovers, statisticians and WUMs may lord over any and all comers for generations to come...

MONEYBALL LEAGUE (also known as the ALDI LEAGUE OF VALUE FOR MONEY)

TEAM -------------------------MILL SPENT per PTS
1. West Brom-----------------------0.23
2. Stoke------------------------------0.26
3. Everton---------------------------0.30
4. Swansea-------------------------0.38
5. Newcastle------------------------0.42
6. Burnley----------------------------0.42
7. Villa--------------------------------0.51
8. Sunderland-----------------------0.57
9. West Ham------------------------0.57
10. Palace----------------------------0.58
11. Spurs------------------------------0.65
12. Arsenal---------------------------0.71
13. Leicester-------------------------0.80
14. Southampton---------------------0.89
15. Man Utd---------------------------0.90
16. Liverpool--------------------------1.11
17. QPR-------------------------------1.16
18. Man City--------------------------1.17
19. Chelsea---------------------------1.32
20. Hull---------------------------------(These figures are not available. Steve Bruce is too fat)

 

*Continued, as I ran out of characters... It's like twitter all over again

Conclusions:

1. People can forget about "plucky", "well-managed" Palace, Southampton, Leicester, and even Burnley. The best value for money teams are West Brom, Stoke, Everton and Swansea.

2. Competing for top spots means competing for top players, who are more likely to be overpriced compared with overall points won for the team. The higher you go, the more it costs for smaller advantages.

3. Spurs, contrary to popular perception, are doing exceptionally well to challenge for the top 5 year on year. I suppose everyone knows Wenger is a tight-****...

4. QPR know how to waste a ****-tonne of money. If they were a lottery winner, they'd be the kind that would be dead in a ditch 3 days later next to their Enzo ferrari, in an open hawaii shirt showing just a glimpse of the 47 hooker's names tattooed to their vomit riddled chest.

5. The mean for the Northern English teams (Newcastle, Sunderland, Man Utd, Man City, Burnley, Everton, Liverpool... Hull doesn't exist. Steve Bruce is still too fat.) is 0.7, the exact same as the mean for the Southern English teams, even though we're giving them the midland skinflints of West Brom and Stoke...

6. Liverpool have spent poorly when you compare where they are in this table and the last five years.

7. Chelsea are the biggest collection of fanboy glory supporters/or their club is the most ambitious/reliant on sexy Russian oil/blood money.


What you may notice as well, is that the likes of West Brom, Sunderland, Villa and Everton need a serious rebuild this summer or next due to a long-term reliance on aging players.

Ashley's model, however, has us constantly "replacing" (...where did I put my own rickety stool?!) outgoing players with cheaper young alternatives, so theoretically we should be able to keep at this rate indefinitely. However, as Mr T notices, we're screwed. Anyway, I hope I've given you a bit of cheer and optimism in these dark times


Please feel free to thank me for enlightening you about facts you didn't know, like Chelsea spend loads, with a grateful comment below.

 

Also... There are no nude photos of Mila Kunis.

 

What this tells me is I'm in need of some nurofen

 

I only came to this thread for the pics of Mila Kunis. ..


Really interesting post..need time to thino about this ...I'm too busy thinking Mila. .depraved and debauched thoughts to worry about football


..When do I receive my Mila pics? (and don't try and fob me off with Obi in a tutu either, I'm pretty confident I can tell the difference)

 

So you're trying to tell us...

 

It was a good thread until I saw this.

 

The likes, JPF, still don't mean you're marrying my youngest.

 

Where's rep when you need it

 

When is she due in oz next?

 

Well, she hasn't committed any criminal offences, so not any time soon.

 

None that you know of so far father in law

 

^^^^

You should have let her marry me while you had the chance Trev

 

I knew there was no pussy on show. To be honest I've seen enough of that tart after that pile of **** Jupiter arising film

 

Spot on fella, that was the biggest pile of Newcastle United I've ever seen at the cinema

 

A convict Sunderland fan or JPF...hmmmm



So tell me Blackcat what part of Australia you from?

 

That's a lot of statistics JPF, too much for me to read through this evening, I'm afraid.
You could have just written something along the lines of NUFC are the Cheapskates of the PL.
Much simpler for someone like me with my attention span.

 

JPF - we had a vote which I lost so I have read through your post. While there are lots of interesting statistics there are three fundamental flaws in this:
1) the heading on your last graph should be millions spent per point won
2) An additional useful statistic would be millions net spend per point won as this would identify the clubs who develop their players best and still remain competitive
3) finally I also spotted the error that a number of posters also spotted in their in-depth reviews - there are no naked photos of Mila Kunis so you should probably change the title
You also need to quote your sources or you might be accused of plagiarism. I cant believe you had time to compile this all on your own while still maintaining a fully functional and fully occupied sex dungeon or have you lost the key AGAIN? It just goes to show that sexual depravity and Alzheimers dont mix.
Consequently can you go back and correct the errors and ommissions i have identified and your submission will then be accepted for The Not606 Journal Of Football Science

 

Great. Another completely wasted Viagra.

 

By the time you got to the end of those posts it would have worn off anyway.