What is happiness (serious thread)

Ok this is taking a bit of a leap of faith here as I don’t want you chaps thinking I’m two bobs short of a shilling.

But I’m wondering what you guys see as happiness. Or at least how you be happy!

For starters this is a pretty serious thread because I’m actually quite down atm (very to be honest) and just wanted to try and gain some perspective. By speaking to people who don’t know me in RL.

For all intense and purposes to everyone who knows me I “appear” to be happy. I have a lovely wife, two lovely kids, a decent job, small mortgage and cars all paid for. I appreciate that would probably please most people but.....not me!

Im sad all the time and I can’t see any happiness or positivity. I feel like everything I have got I have earned but I just need more. Something I can’t put a finger on. I feel like I could win the lottery and still find nothing but negativity.

The other day I liked (on Facebook) a picture of a friends seriously disabled child who has had an awful start to life because you could tell the child was happy. That my friend was happy even though they have been dealt a very hard pack of cards. I can’t work it out?

I’m not looking for banter here I’m just hoping that some of you may have had similar experiences which might put some form of perspective in life for me. I also appreciate that lifes hard at the moment for everyone and that this forum probably isn’t the place for this type of ****.

But bizarrely I tend to look at these forums and your comments as a form of “get out” of life and the buzz of the banter seems to keep me “in the game” as such!

For the record I drink far to much alcohol and keep telling myself that if I didn’t I would be even worse. Some might say I have a drink problem which I probably do. But honestly I do it so my brain stops thinking.

Honestly not sure what to expect from this apart from **** like “chin up soldier” or “stfu it’s on”.

Any advise?

 

Well done for posting mate, it's a start. If I could spend thirty minutes with you face-to-face I could help you massively. Let's continue this thread, I am sure there will be loads of great advice, help, and a little bit of leg-pulling.

 

Sounds good mate. Just sometimes being a bloke and all that you just think there’s nothing you can do but crack on. I’m not going to post on here what I did last night but it’s pretty serious stuff. So I need to find some form of perspective in life and when you talk to people who know you they say things they “think” you want to hear but actually I’m looking for a bit of a reality check. I know people may not be comfortable about posting stuff online.

 

Just think of your family and children - I know, easier said than done! Money does not bring the happiness you are seeking. I am like you in that I now drink too much - I drink every day. Have managed to get it down to 2 drinks per day. Watch your children, especially when they are happy. Learn to smile again.

Get an appointment with Talking Therapies - they will help. In my area you can self-refer.

Unfortunately for me my severe depression is caused by the death of my father as a child and my daughter 4 years ago - getting constant comments saying that time heals does not help me especially as my Dad has been dead for 26 years! Unfortunately the councelling I need is very expensive and not available on NHS. I get periods of extreme anger and I have constant thoughts of family members dying. I have thoughts in my head whereby if I am driving I think to myself what would happen if I suddenly swerve or if I am at the top of stairs I imagine what would happen if I just fell forward

 

Whatever you did last night (no need to say what it was, that's your business!) probably wouldn't raise an eyebrow with most people, but in your current "heightened" state you may consider it the end of your world. Don't let it be. We've all done things 'wrong', it's in our nature.

 

Pain is pain. Refer yourself to talking therapies. See your gp. I know meds aren't a long term solution but when my daughter died my wife was suicidal (extreme) but within 2 weeks on sertraline even at a low dose brought her round.

Most people will understand. Talk to your wife. Pm message me even if it's too bitch and moan. If gets bad call me even if it's just too scream.

 

Thanks for posting DPP and honestly I feel guilty saying the things I have especially when I read what you have been through. Sorry if it brings things home a bit.

I personally have not experienced much loss of people I love yet. I know I am lucky in that respect.

The one thing that does stick in my mind and I think about it all the time is an online friend I had for many years who I did gaming with (pc games) died while I was playing online with him. We used to play on weekend drinking beers having a laugh. He said “brb” going for a drink and didn’t come back. At that point he was happy, but his wife had just said she was leaving him and he had just lost his job. He fell down the stairs and broke his neck and he was found in the morning. I just thought he went to bed. The last person he spoke to was me and he was happy. Again I struggle to understand how?

I drink a bottle of wine or more every night. My wife always says “get your happiness from
us” but it’s not as simple as that. It’s almost like I feel I need an event one way or another to shake me up and wake me up.

I appreciate I’m being quite selfish here mind and apologise if anyone thinks I’m being a dick!

 

Lads, I had a serious bout of depression 18 years ago, when I was in my mid to late 30s (my wife had a miscarriage, was that to blame? Who knows?). It lasted three months, the worst thing I did was to keep it to myself (that's my nature). It was like being in a dark cupboard for three months, but slowly but surely I came out of it (not sure why!). GeordieGinola, maybe you have shouldered the burden of your anxiety and not told your wife? I bet you would both feel "better" if you do, maybe when the time is right. Dont make the mistake I made mate.

 

Oh it’s bad. The weird thing is I’m in the state of mind where it doesn’t affect me one way or another yet to someone else it would be catastrophic.

I mean it’s literally like if it was someone else I would be shocked but personally it didn’t make me blink.

It involves money. I’m not saying more.

 

Where health comes you alwayss have to think of yourself.

Don't look at how other people suffer. You're suffering is your suffering.

You mentioned a friend who passed away - maybe something has triggered you to think of that.

Trust me when I say seek Talking Therapies!!

 

If you are gambling, and losing, try to seek help for it mate.

 

@Geordieginola can gambling cause issue with your career? Tell your wife.

 

Thanks buddy. It stands to reason that we all give each other (banter) grief on here without really realising what each and everyone of us is going through. In our own little worlds we think it’s just us.

And that’s where I think I have an issue. I know I have a problem in that respect but I don’t know what’s causing it. There is no life event. No loss. No nothing. It’s just a sense of constant sadness that’s recently started to build. I get jealous of others being happy because I want some of that.

Don’t get me wrong and honestly I feel for your circumstances, both events must have been hard. I see my kids and I feel like I’m not actually with them. That I’m watching them from outside of it. Smiling. But there’s something inside pulling me back down.

I tried to explain it to my wife and it’s like a ball rolling down a hill. You pass it back up but it always comes down but everytime you kick it it goes just a little less further up the hill. Eventually the ball drops off the cliff.

She doesn’t get it? Neither do I now!

 

I have no concept of the value of gambling. I’ve done it. It’s never been a driver for me. Gambling to me does nothing. I can win big and lose big. It makes no odds to me. It doesn’t give me happiness no sadness. It’s like I’m immune.

 

Mid-life crisis, maybe? Seriously, its common (I don't know your age but you are married/kids so it could be that). Then again, what is mid-life crisis? Is it more a case that you've spent years being a husband, a father, a worker...its exhausting, mate, both physically and mentally. One good positive though is that what you are going through will get easier, until it disappears.

 

First thing I would say is I’m no expert.

For me the best thing you can do is talk about the problem. Talk to your wife. That to me would be the singularly most important thing to do.

As Dazza says talk to the experts. Don’t worry if you don’t connect with the Counsellor see if you can change Counsellor if you don’t connect until you find one that you do connect with. I don’t know if that’s possible but I would guess it is.

Don’t know how old your kids are but, if appropriate, play with them. When mine were small it was amazing how playing with them even for a short while would help me unwind after work. If they are older get to do something with them. Join in, if you can, with something they enjoy doing.

Find a hobby that you enjoy, eg, reading, painting, running whatever it might be that occupies you and tires you out.

I’m sure you don’t but don’t expect overnight solutions. Also cut out the drink completely if you can. That will never help it just hides things.

When we can meet up with the rest of us at the Earl. See how Chippy manages and once you see how he copes, or doesn’t then you’ll see there is always someone worse off, ie, Chippy. (Sorry, I couldn’t write so much without making one attempt at humour).

In any event good luck and you’ve made a huge step forward today anyway by being brave enough to raise it with us idiots on this Forum.

 

I do keep things bottled up and then I kind of explode and do these radge things. I talk to her all the time and explain it but she doesn’t understand. I suppose (this is going to sound selfish again I’m sorry) I provide everything she needs so maybe she’s looking at it from a different perspective. Her life is complete and mine is empty.

I feel like I’m broken in some way. From no actual event. Just never been happy. Full stop and I get jealous.

I actually take more pride and happiness in making others happy. At the expense of myself.

I’ve done that countless times.

When I was on holiday two years ago with my wife and kids I had a wonderful time abroad in Spain. But my only real happy memory was when I went for a walk and a homeless chap with a dog was sat in a corner. I was out to get a pizza and I gave it to him and sat down next to him. He wouldn’t eat it. I said why not. His dog was clearly starving and he was too. He said he didn’t deserve it? I said well how about I eat it with you. And so he did. The next day I walked along the path where he was sat and in chalk it said thank you mr nufc (I had my toon top on).

Every day after that I went down and he was never there again.

 

Possibly. I’ve wondered if it’s being triggered because I’ve been looking for that “event” which never happens. I’m just intrigued as to what makes people tick. So I can maybe try something different. I’m 41 btw. But I’ve been unhappy for since I can remember.

 

She knows. That’s not the problem in this situation. I did gamble big. Not much now.

 

Happiness someone told me is when you want to set out to achieve something in life and do it.

It may be something as simple as an afternoon reading, or walking or running or cooking.. or something as higher level as a career change, possessions, holidays, travel etc

sadness conversely was pitched as being when you repeatedly have unreasonable aims and repeatedly fail, or at least feel like you fail..

I’m at my happiest when I’m on holiday with friends or family with the sun on my back and clean fresh sea air and I don’t have a work phone bleeping at me constantly.

happiness for me used to involve booze but I don’t drink a lot these days (3 weeks dry and it will probs go until April now). These days cardio exercise (I run a lot) and walking are what makes me happy I guess. Work is stressful and I work long hours (last week I did 70 hours as I did 7-3 on UK hours then worked virtually in the US from 3-11pm).

Work for me is a means to an end and allows me to travel.

despite acting a twat on here a lot (it’s a release for me) I have quite a rigid moral compass and what gets me down currently is the covidiots who I see as working against society and just not acting fair at all. I like to treat folk as I’d like to be treated, or better.

I’ve been through some really dark times and lost a parent, a son and other much loved family members (on Monday I carried my nanna’s coffin in a surreal Covid socially distanced funeral) but it’s all about balance and finding things which make you happy and doing more of it. It’s the only way I’ve found to keep the black dog from my door.

we only have one life and need to focus on ourselves as much as others.

Covid has changed a lot of people’s lives And it’s been one of the hardest things most people will have had to go through. There is light at the end of the tunnel though so this year will get better and better trust me.

how about organising (at diary level only) a big family gathering in the back garden for August? Summat to look forward to. Same for a gathering with the lads. Fill that diary up with plans and then when you feel a bit low check out your diary. It’s human nature to feel better when there’s something to look forward to.

take care bud.. we may be in cyber space but you have friends here.