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Viz Top Tips

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Oct 12, 2011.

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  1. devonFRATTONiser

    devonFRATTONiser Well-Known Member
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    Let's hear your favourite Viz Top Tips. Or, better still, your own efforts <magic>
     
    #1
    devonFRATTONiser, Oct 12, 2011
  2. devonFRATTONiser

    devonFRATTONiser Well-Known Member
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    One that could have saved Karen Murphy a lot of time and effort...

    PUB LANDLORDS. Save thousands of pounds paying hugely inflated monthly rates for Sky Sports by simply painting a small white pint glass with Tippex in the bottom right-hand corner of your TV screen.
     
    #2
    devonFRATTONiser, Oct 12, 2011
  3. breconsaint

    breconsaint Active Member

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    THICKEN runny, low-fat yogurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard :emoticon-0148-yes:
     
    #3
    breconsaint, Oct 12, 2011
  4. breconsaint

    breconsaint Active Member

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    Or a particular favourite: " Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house"
     
    #4
    breconsaint, Oct 12, 2011
  5. MMJ

    MMJ Well-Known Member

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    CONVINCE NEIGHBOURS you are agoraphobic by staying inside for 40 years
     
    #5
    MMJ, Oct 12, 2011
  6. MMJ

    MMJ Well-Known Member

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    PRETEND to be Arsene Wenger by barging into a pub at closing time and demanding half price drinks
     
    #6
    MMJ, Oct 12, 2011
  7. fran-MLs little camera

    fran-MLs little camera Well-Known Member

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    And then claim you brewed the beer yourself...but I'm not bitter (see what I did there:grin:).
     
    #7
    fran-MLs little camera, Oct 12, 2011
  8. Channonfodder

    Channonfodder Rebel without a clue.....

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    A few others;

    MICRA DRIVERS: Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the thing like a sodding dodgem car anyway.

    DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

    GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

    AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to "fast wipe" whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

    I haven't bought a copy for years, but I think I am going to shortly. Very nostalgic.:)
     
    #8
    Channonfodder, Oct 12, 2011
  9. Channonfodder

    Channonfodder Rebel without a clue.....

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    Oh and one of my own;

    Football fans. Disagree with the referee's decision? Charm him into being more favourably disposed to your team by insulting his parentage and inferring that his poor eyesight is due to excessive self-pleasuring.
     
    #9
    Channonfodder, Oct 12, 2011
  10. pompeymeowth

    pompeymeowth Prepare for trouble x
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    I haven't missed an issue for 20+ years and one that stuck with me for nearly all that time was "Two used tea bags and a length of elastic, make an ideal pair, of low cost swimming goggles".

    One I saw a short while ago was "Wasps, make ideal doorman for beehives".
     
    #10
    pompeymeowth, Oct 12, 2011

  11. pompeymeowth

    pompeymeowth Prepare for trouble x
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    I've just remembered a good football one.
    "Mangers, fed up with the poor final ball, ruining your teams efforts on goal?
    Simply plan your attacking moves, to have one pass less and watch the goals fly in!".
     
    #11
    pompeymeowth, Oct 12, 2011
  12. olddellboy

    olddellboy Well-Known Member

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    one Viz top tip that made me chuckle was..

    "Parents. If your baby is chokeing on an ice cube, pour boiling water down his throat until it melts"

    Try it, it really does work!
     
    #12
    olddellboy, Oct 12, 2011
  13. Saints_Alive

    Saints_Alive Well-Known Member

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    BANGING two pistachio nut shells together gives the' impression a very small horse is approaching.
     
    #13
    Saints_Alive, Oct 12, 2011
  14. Saints_Alive

    Saints_Alive Well-Known Member

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    A football related one...FOOTBALLERS: Remember there is plenty of time to get drunk after your playing career has ended.
     
    #14
    Saints_Alive, Oct 12, 2011
  15. Dyslexic Saint

    Dyslexic Saint Member

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    Avoid hiring unlucky people by simply throwing half the CV's in the bin.
     
    #15
    Dyslexic Saint, Oct 12, 2011
  16. MMJ

    MMJ Well-Known Member

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    there's a twitter account that is virtually the same as this, twoptwips
     
    #16
    MMJ, Oct 13, 2011
  17. devonFRATTONiser

    devonFRATTONiser Well-Known Member
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    SKATEBOARDERS. Next time you come to a set of steps with a handrail in the middle, pick up your skateboard in one hand, grasp the handrail with the other and carefully walk down the steps. This way it won't be quite as painful on your bollocks.
     
    #17
    devonFRATTONiser, Oct 13, 2011
  18. crusti

    crusti Active Member

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    does anyone remember the advert for Man2Man chatline, a spoof gay chatline, one of the had two men in tank tops saying "Should he play Le Tissier?", probably 1996
     
    #18
    crusti, Oct 13, 2011
  19. olddellboy

    olddellboy Well-Known Member

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    CRUSTI,

    I guess its just you then - ;-)
     
    #19
    olddellboy, Oct 13, 2011
  20. crusti

    crusti Active Member

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    yeh just me, prob doesnt sound as funny cos its a visual gag
     
    #20
    crusti, Oct 13, 2011
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