DON'T FORK out thousands of pounds on a jacuzzi-style tub. Make your own by placing a hairdryer in the bath.
Maybe -Jordan- or ClockStand could try that one.
Maybe -Jordan- or ClockStand could try that one.
Top tips!
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Tried to find the suicide montage from Groundhog Day. Bill Murray is class, just thinking about when he drops the toaster in the bath!
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red I wine? Drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed, to remove the stains.
MOTORISTS: When going through a speed camera, flash your lights twice quickly and watch the driver in front hit his brakes when he thinks he's been caught.
GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending ã50 to yourself by Royal Mail.
EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire - then turn it down three notches. This saves your wife having to do it.
DRIVERS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
BANGING two pistachio nut shells together gives the' impression a very small horse' is approaching.
DON'T waste money on j expensive iPods. Simply think D of your favourite tune and I hum it. If you want to "switch I tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
CINEMAGOERS: Have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by using the toilet before the film starts.
DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by moving everything into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, move it all back again.
CAR THIEVES: Don't be discouraged if nothing is on view. The valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
RAPPERS: Avoid having to say: "Know what I'm sayin'" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
SINGLE MEN: Convince people you have a girlfriend by standing outside Topshop with bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
EMPLOYEES: Only use the loo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid.
SCROOGES: Save money at Christmas by returning last year's cards to the sender with the simple inscription "Same to you".
MICRA DRIVERS: Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the thing like a sodding dodgem car anyway.
Advertisement - article continues below û
ANGLERS: Attach a helium balloon to your line and bait the hook with an acorn. Then sit under a tree and "fish" for squirrels. An upturned laundry basket would make an ideal keep-net, but don't forget to throw the squirrels back into the tree at the end of the day.
SINGLE MEN: Get a glimpse of married life by taping Woman's Hour on Radio 4, then playing it back at a higher volume than the TV while trying to watch something on Discovery Wings.
TIGHT-ARSED blokes: Only date girls called Natalie, Carol, Holly or Eve. Chances are their birthday is around Christmas and you won't have to shell out for a present until then, by which time they will have chucked you.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping it into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After three miles, phone your wife to take the egg out the pan.
SHOPPERS: Take one grape to the till. It won't register on the low-tech, insensitive scales so you will get it for free. Repeat this procedure 100 times or so and you have yourself a free bunch of grapes.
McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
A POST-IT Note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal way to foil lip-readers.
AMERICANS: Save valuable time by not pending "God bless America" to your every sentence.
TOWN COUNCILS: Reduce litter problems by issuing blind folk with pointy sticks.
WHEN visiting a motorway service station for a cup of tea and a slice of cake, make sure you arrange your bank loan or second mortgage before you get to the tills, saving time and embarrassment.
CYCLISTS: Avoid getting a sore behind by simply placing a naan bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto! A warm snack.
HOUSEWIVES: Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, circle the soiled area with a permanent pen so that when you remove it from the washing machine you can check the stain has gone.
SKY TV viewers: Avoid repetitive strain injury by holding down the "prog+" button on your remote control and taping your finger in place.
YOUNG mothers: Calm hysterically crying children in the supermarket by firmly slapping their legs and then tugging them along by the wrist.
PHILANDERERS: Avoid the embarrassment of shouting out the wrong name in bed by having flings only with girls who have the same name as your wife.
FOOTBALLERS: Remember there is plenty of time to get drunk after your playing career has ended.
HORSE whisperers: Speak louder. The animals will hear you more clearly, thus speeding up training times.
FEMALE shop assistants: When a garage mechanic comes to your till, add on a selection of random items they didn't know they needed and charge them ã50 labour costs for the transaction.
SINGLE MEN: Why-aye! Fool folk into thinking you've got a girlfriend by standing ootside Topshop wi' loads of bags
MOTORISTS: When going through a speed camera, flash your lights twice quickly and watch the driver in front hit his brakes when he thinks he's been caught.
GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending ã50 to yourself by Royal Mail.
EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire - then turn it down three notches. This saves your wife having to do it.
DRIVERS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
BANGING two pistachio nut shells together gives the' impression a very small horse' is approaching.
DON'T waste money on j expensive iPods. Simply think D of your favourite tune and I hum it. If you want to "switch I tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
CINEMAGOERS: Have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by using the toilet before the film starts.
DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by moving everything into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, move it all back again.
CAR THIEVES: Don't be discouraged if nothing is on view. The valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
RAPPERS: Avoid having to say: "Know what I'm sayin'" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
SINGLE MEN: Convince people you have a girlfriend by standing outside Topshop with bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
EMPLOYEES: Only use the loo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid.
SCROOGES: Save money at Christmas by returning last year's cards to the sender with the simple inscription "Same to you".
MICRA DRIVERS: Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the thing like a sodding dodgem car anyway.
Advertisement - article continues below û
ANGLERS: Attach a helium balloon to your line and bait the hook with an acorn. Then sit under a tree and "fish" for squirrels. An upturned laundry basket would make an ideal keep-net, but don't forget to throw the squirrels back into the tree at the end of the day.
SINGLE MEN: Get a glimpse of married life by taping Woman's Hour on Radio 4, then playing it back at a higher volume than the TV while trying to watch something on Discovery Wings.
TIGHT-ARSED blokes: Only date girls called Natalie, Carol, Holly or Eve. Chances are their birthday is around Christmas and you won't have to shell out for a present until then, by which time they will have chucked you.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping it into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After three miles, phone your wife to take the egg out the pan.
SHOPPERS: Take one grape to the till. It won't register on the low-tech, insensitive scales so you will get it for free. Repeat this procedure 100 times or so and you have yourself a free bunch of grapes.
McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
A POST-IT Note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal way to foil lip-readers.
AMERICANS: Save valuable time by not pending "God bless America" to your every sentence.
TOWN COUNCILS: Reduce litter problems by issuing blind folk with pointy sticks.
WHEN visiting a motorway service station for a cup of tea and a slice of cake, make sure you arrange your bank loan or second mortgage before you get to the tills, saving time and embarrassment.
CYCLISTS: Avoid getting a sore behind by simply placing a naan bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto! A warm snack.
HOUSEWIVES: Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, circle the soiled area with a permanent pen so that when you remove it from the washing machine you can check the stain has gone.
SKY TV viewers: Avoid repetitive strain injury by holding down the "prog+" button on your remote control and taping your finger in place.
YOUNG mothers: Calm hysterically crying children in the supermarket by firmly slapping their legs and then tugging them along by the wrist.
PHILANDERERS: Avoid the embarrassment of shouting out the wrong name in bed by having flings only with girls who have the same name as your wife.
FOOTBALLERS: Remember there is plenty of time to get drunk after your playing career has ended.
HORSE whisperers: Speak louder. The animals will hear you more clearly, thus speeding up training times.
FEMALE shop assistants: When a garage mechanic comes to your till, add on a selection of random items they didn't know they needed and charge them ã50 labour costs for the transaction.
SINGLE MEN: Why-aye! Fool folk into thinking you've got a girlfriend by standing ootside Topshop wi' loads of bags
Easy tiger!
MOTHERS! Two kittens selotaped together back-to-back make ideal Haloween hairy spiders for the kids!
MOTHERS! Two kittens selotaped together back-to-back make ideal Haloween hairy spiders for the kids!
A USED CONDOM filled with water and left on a radiator makes an ideal and inexpensive lava lamp.
TOWN COUNCILS. Reduce litter problems by issuing blind people with pointy sticks.
CONVINCE bar staff that your pint is off by sticking your finger up your arse before holding the glass close to their nose.
UGLY BIRDS-Become better looking by simply moving up north.
JURY FOREMEN. Add suspense to a verdict by saying “We the jury find the defendant…” and then leave a two minute pause before delivering the outcome whilst another jury member plays a low roll on a kettle drum.
COUNCIL highway departments. Save money erecting warning signs on dangerous bends. Simply sellotape a bunch of flowers to a nearby lamp post instead.
KEEP WIVES and girlfriends on their toes by telling them they are the fattest girl you have ever been out with.
LADIES. When treating genital thrush, always ensure you use natural bio-yoghurt and not raspberry flavoured Munch Bunch.
OLD PEOPLE. Each night, go to sleep in the recovery position, potentially saving paramedics valuable time.
SAVE MONEY on toilet paper by wiping your arse on a flannel. This can be re-used once your wife or girlfriend has washed it.
MASTURBATORS. Create the effect that you've been sleeping on your arm by getting someone else to pull you off.
CINEMA BUILDERS. Don't bother installing a front row of seats, nobody ever uses them. Simply start with the second row.
PREGNANT weatherwomen. When presenting the report, stand front on to the camera so as anybody living west of Stoke on Trent can see what the weather will be like in their area.
A SERIES of copycat farts following someone else's admisssion of guilt can compound the misery of the perpetrator, whilst simultaneously giving your bowels the clean out you've always dreamed of.
SHOE BOMBERS. Increase your payload by becoming a clown.
BIRD LOVERS. Save money on wild bird food this winter by fitting a bird feeder to the inside of your window. You only need to fill it once, but you will enjoy watching the birds at your window every day!
MUMS. MAKE bath nights more fun for the kids by playing 'moth aircraft carrier'. Simply float a shoebox in the bath with a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off the bathroom lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic and dangerous landings
TOWN COUNCILS. Reduce litter problems by issuing blind people with pointy sticks.
CONVINCE bar staff that your pint is off by sticking your finger up your arse before holding the glass close to their nose.
UGLY BIRDS-Become better looking by simply moving up north.
JURY FOREMEN. Add suspense to a verdict by saying “We the jury find the defendant…” and then leave a two minute pause before delivering the outcome whilst another jury member plays a low roll on a kettle drum.
COUNCIL highway departments. Save money erecting warning signs on dangerous bends. Simply sellotape a bunch of flowers to a nearby lamp post instead.
KEEP WIVES and girlfriends on their toes by telling them they are the fattest girl you have ever been out with.
LADIES. When treating genital thrush, always ensure you use natural bio-yoghurt and not raspberry flavoured Munch Bunch.
OLD PEOPLE. Each night, go to sleep in the recovery position, potentially saving paramedics valuable time.
SAVE MONEY on toilet paper by wiping your arse on a flannel. This can be re-used once your wife or girlfriend has washed it.
MASTURBATORS. Create the effect that you've been sleeping on your arm by getting someone else to pull you off.
CINEMA BUILDERS. Don't bother installing a front row of seats, nobody ever uses them. Simply start with the second row.
PREGNANT weatherwomen. When presenting the report, stand front on to the camera so as anybody living west of Stoke on Trent can see what the weather will be like in their area.
A SERIES of copycat farts following someone else's admisssion of guilt can compound the misery of the perpetrator, whilst simultaneously giving your bowels the clean out you've always dreamed of.
SHOE BOMBERS. Increase your payload by becoming a clown.
BIRD LOVERS. Save money on wild bird food this winter by fitting a bird feeder to the inside of your window. You only need to fill it once, but you will enjoy watching the birds at your window every day!
MUMS. MAKE bath nights more fun for the kids by playing 'moth aircraft carrier'. Simply float a shoebox in the bath with a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off the bathroom lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic and dangerous landings
CONVINCE bar staff that your pint is off by sticking your finger up your arse before holding the glass close to their nose.
* FOOL NEIGHBOURS into thinking your car is automatic by simply selecting reverse momentarily before driving off.
* PEOPLE CALLED Steven. Save time by calling yourself Steve.
* TRAINLINE telephone employees. Retain an air of mystery by never giving accurate information.
* DAYTIME TV viewers. Want to win those phone-in prizes? Follow this easy guide to answering multiple choice questions: (a) is the answer, (b) rhymes with the answer and (c) is in no way the answer.
* BREAD KNIVES can also be used to cut cheese
* OLD PEOPLE. Ensure a good fight at your wake by leaving a valuable antique in your will to a distant relative, whilst promising it to a closer relative verbally before you die.
* MEN. WHEN listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
* A MIXTURE of sour cream and mashed-up blackberries makes excellent imitation bird crap to apply to your neighbour's car after he's washed it.
* HAVE FUN in the supermarket next time you go alcohol shopping. Fill you trolley to bursting point with booze, then add one packet of nappies. When paying, pretend that you don't have enough money and put the nappies back. Watch the faces of the checkout personnel. Priceless.
* GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending a ã50 to yourself by Royal Mail.
* UTILITY companies. Encourage customers to go to 'paperless billing' and online account management to help the environment. It has the added benefit of rendering them helpless when you overcharge them as they have no bills to check through and your computer can 'mysteriously freeze their on-line account.' It makes it almost impossible for them to prove you are a bunch of robbing bandits
* PEOPLE CALLED Steven. Save time by calling yourself Steve.
* TRAINLINE telephone employees. Retain an air of mystery by never giving accurate information.
* DAYTIME TV viewers. Want to win those phone-in prizes? Follow this easy guide to answering multiple choice questions: (a) is the answer, (b) rhymes with the answer and (c) is in no way the answer.
* BREAD KNIVES can also be used to cut cheese
* OLD PEOPLE. Ensure a good fight at your wake by leaving a valuable antique in your will to a distant relative, whilst promising it to a closer relative verbally before you die.
* MEN. WHEN listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
* A MIXTURE of sour cream and mashed-up blackberries makes excellent imitation bird crap to apply to your neighbour's car after he's washed it.
* HAVE FUN in the supermarket next time you go alcohol shopping. Fill you trolley to bursting point with booze, then add one packet of nappies. When paying, pretend that you don't have enough money and put the nappies back. Watch the faces of the checkout personnel. Priceless.
* GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending a ã50 to yourself by Royal Mail.
* UTILITY companies. Encourage customers to go to 'paperless billing' and online account management to help the environment. It has the added benefit of rendering them helpless when you overcharge them as they have no bills to check through and your computer can 'mysteriously freeze their on-line account.' It makes it almost impossible for them to prove you are a bunch of robbing bandits
Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They
will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.
J B Cartland, Brighton.
Suck the eyes from attacking zombies using a Black & Decker
"Dustbuster." The zombies will then wander aimlessly and can be
dispatched by the more usual methods at a more leisurely pace.
J. T., Thropton.
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your
chin into a bowl of iron filings.
B Villbens, Birmingham.
X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange
place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously
"erased."
Sam Neffendorf, Weybridge.
A hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to
guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble
dispenser at cocktail parties.
L Traintu, Clarkesville.
Domestos is an ideal substitute for Blue Curaco, and far less pricey.
It gives any cocktail a bit of "oomph."
James Francis, East Glamorgan Hospital.
Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding
under the covers.
Charles Holley, Newcastle.
Make cheap but effective baby rattles by gluing a lollipop stick to an
empty matchbox, then filling it with ten woodlice.
Ms. G. M. Dowd, Wigan.
Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each
pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and
receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.
P.Turner, Liverpool L17.
Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking
them to wrap it.
D. Treloar, Wandsworth.
A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an
ideal "car" for snakes.
G. Dorson, Skipton.
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and
grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Phil Wasey, Liverpool.
Cant afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film
and press them into your eyes.
D. Stokes, Middlesex.
Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water.
P.J. Ruddock, London.
Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply
changing your name to match your existing plate.
Mr KVL 74IY, Lincoln.
Cyclists. Next time you're out on your bike take a tin bath and about
4 or 5 gallons of water in plastic containers. In the event of a flat
tire this will help you locate any punctures you may have.
Andy Hodgeson, Manchester.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to
the object you wish to view.
S Goldhanger, Fulchester.
Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa
anytime by just turning on the tap.
Mrs M Growitt, Birmingham.
Put a stop to car thieves by siphoning off all your petrol whenever
you park your car, and carrying it round with you in one or two
plastic buckets.
D. Griffiths, Kent.
Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and
talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly,
or set fire to someone else's house.
Mr P. Lilburn, Rotherham.
Record the sound of your wife having an orgasm, and then listen to the
tape through headphones next time you make love. That way you can have
sex without waking her up.
Frank Wilson, Southend.
Fellas. Next time you have to wrap up a present, don't, because you're
****e at it. Give it to the wife and she'll do it properly with extra
girlie bows and fiddly bits while you're down the pub.
Daphnie Treloar, Cardiff.
Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't,
because you cant and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-
arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.
D Thresher, Wapping.
Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen
chips from the freezer and try piercing together potatoes.
B Reastford, Iranville, Notts.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in
every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of
the escaping gas.
N. Burke, Manchester.
As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches if we
smell gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready for use in
such emergencies.
Mrs D Bibby, Rugby.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
direction of oncoming traffic.
D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead.
When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case
a large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up
the road.
D. Rogers Hemel, Hempstead General Infirmary.
Avoid paying tax by going to work in a politically unstable Middle
East country inhabited by religious fanatics. Ignore British
Government advice to leave when a war looks imminent, then moan a
few weeks later when bombs start going off and there aren't any
planes home.
S Goblin, Middlesex.
Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your
head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide
out.
Kate Emblen, Uxbridge.
Cyclists. Why not try stopping at red lights like everyone else,
instead of riding up onto the pavement to avoid them. Stupid Bastards.
M Burridge, Newcastle.
Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and
attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then be
worn around the neck.
B Morgan, Criccieth.
Don't buy expensive "ribbed" condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
D Duckham, Didford.
Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative
to sun-bed treatments.
Mr T. Eebly, Warstead.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
cakes again.
P Loft, Gateshead.
I regularly drive to the pub, but am never guilty of drink driving.
The secret is to consume so much alcohol that by closing time you have
completely forgotten ever owning a car.
Mike Grey, Essex.
Prevent crisps cutting your gums and getting caught between teeth by
steeping them in a bowl of water before eating them.
T.C. Jackson, York.
Internet users. Try "accessing" your local newsagents and "download" a
few **** mags from the top shelf. They're cheaper than computers, and
easier to smuggle into the toilet.
Carl Hesketh, Blackburn
Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse
neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player
during a powercut.
Howard Urmenyl, Amersham, Leo Sayer country.
Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over
any that you catch in the act.
W. T. Conqueror, Hastings.
Play "Indiana Jones" with your pet mouse using a length of drainpipe
and a cricket ball.
I. K. Brunel, Bristol.
Always fart into the rings on top of your gas cooker. This will turn
back the gas meter, and save you pounds over a period of time.
C. Custer, Little Bighorn.
Play "Moth Aircraft Carriers" by floating a shoe box in the bath with
a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off
the room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic
and dangerous landings.
Neil Davis, e-mail.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.
Sister S. Berwick, Blackrod.
Fool passers by into thinking you keep a bird of prey by walking down
the street wearing a leather gauntlet, waving a piece of raw meat in
your hand and constantly looking up into the sky.
Simone
will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.
J B Cartland, Brighton.
Suck the eyes from attacking zombies using a Black & Decker
"Dustbuster." The zombies will then wander aimlessly and can be
dispatched by the more usual methods at a more leisurely pace.
J. T., Thropton.
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your
chin into a bowl of iron filings.
B Villbens, Birmingham.
X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange
place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously
"erased."
Sam Neffendorf, Weybridge.
A hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to
guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble
dispenser at cocktail parties.
L Traintu, Clarkesville.
Domestos is an ideal substitute for Blue Curaco, and far less pricey.
It gives any cocktail a bit of "oomph."
James Francis, East Glamorgan Hospital.
Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding
under the covers.
Charles Holley, Newcastle.
Make cheap but effective baby rattles by gluing a lollipop stick to an
empty matchbox, then filling it with ten woodlice.
Ms. G. M. Dowd, Wigan.
Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each
pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and
receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.
P.Turner, Liverpool L17.
Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking
them to wrap it.
D. Treloar, Wandsworth.
A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an
ideal "car" for snakes.
G. Dorson, Skipton.
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and
grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Phil Wasey, Liverpool.
Cant afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film
and press them into your eyes.
D. Stokes, Middlesex.
Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water.
P.J. Ruddock, London.
Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply
changing your name to match your existing plate.
Mr KVL 74IY, Lincoln.
Cyclists. Next time you're out on your bike take a tin bath and about
4 or 5 gallons of water in plastic containers. In the event of a flat
tire this will help you locate any punctures you may have.
Andy Hodgeson, Manchester.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to
the object you wish to view.
S Goldhanger, Fulchester.
Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa
anytime by just turning on the tap.
Mrs M Growitt, Birmingham.
Put a stop to car thieves by siphoning off all your petrol whenever
you park your car, and carrying it round with you in one or two
plastic buckets.
D. Griffiths, Kent.
Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and
talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly,
or set fire to someone else's house.
Mr P. Lilburn, Rotherham.
Record the sound of your wife having an orgasm, and then listen to the
tape through headphones next time you make love. That way you can have
sex without waking her up.
Frank Wilson, Southend.
Fellas. Next time you have to wrap up a present, don't, because you're
****e at it. Give it to the wife and she'll do it properly with extra
girlie bows and fiddly bits while you're down the pub.
Daphnie Treloar, Cardiff.
Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't,
because you cant and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-
arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.
D Thresher, Wapping.
Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen
chips from the freezer and try piercing together potatoes.
B Reastford, Iranville, Notts.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in
every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of
the escaping gas.
N. Burke, Manchester.
As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches if we
smell gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready for use in
such emergencies.
Mrs D Bibby, Rugby.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
direction of oncoming traffic.
D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead.
When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case
a large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up
the road.
D. Rogers Hemel, Hempstead General Infirmary.
Avoid paying tax by going to work in a politically unstable Middle
East country inhabited by religious fanatics. Ignore British
Government advice to leave when a war looks imminent, then moan a
few weeks later when bombs start going off and there aren't any
planes home.
S Goblin, Middlesex.
Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your
head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide
out.
Kate Emblen, Uxbridge.
Cyclists. Why not try stopping at red lights like everyone else,
instead of riding up onto the pavement to avoid them. Stupid Bastards.
M Burridge, Newcastle.
Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and
attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then be
worn around the neck.
B Morgan, Criccieth.
Don't buy expensive "ribbed" condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
D Duckham, Didford.
Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative
to sun-bed treatments.
Mr T. Eebly, Warstead.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
cakes again.
P Loft, Gateshead.
I regularly drive to the pub, but am never guilty of drink driving.
The secret is to consume so much alcohol that by closing time you have
completely forgotten ever owning a car.
Mike Grey, Essex.
Prevent crisps cutting your gums and getting caught between teeth by
steeping them in a bowl of water before eating them.
T.C. Jackson, York.
Internet users. Try "accessing" your local newsagents and "download" a
few **** mags from the top shelf. They're cheaper than computers, and
easier to smuggle into the toilet.
Carl Hesketh, Blackburn
Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse
neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player
during a powercut.
Howard Urmenyl, Amersham, Leo Sayer country.
Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over
any that you catch in the act.
W. T. Conqueror, Hastings.
Play "Indiana Jones" with your pet mouse using a length of drainpipe
and a cricket ball.
I. K. Brunel, Bristol.
Always fart into the rings on top of your gas cooker. This will turn
back the gas meter, and save you pounds over a period of time.
C. Custer, Little Bighorn.
Play "Moth Aircraft Carriers" by floating a shoe box in the bath with
a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off
the room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic
and dangerous landings.
Neil Davis, e-mail.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.
Sister S. Berwick, Blackrod.
Fool passers by into thinking you keep a bird of prey by walking down
the street wearing a leather gauntlet, waving a piece of raw meat in
your hand and constantly looking up into the sky.
Simone
1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of
boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly
removed.
2. A mousetrap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from going
back to sleep.
3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone
else to hold them while you chop away.
4. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at
people as they walk up the aisle.
5. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate
bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the bleeding thing in the first
place, you fat bastards.
6. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning
you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing
up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
7. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating
into it, before jumping in.
8. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a
handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
9. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two
bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following
morning; having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
10. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to what
you want to look at.
11. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes'
eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
12. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of
oncoming traffic.
13. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
14. Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes
again.
15. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat
hanger in an emergency.
16. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment
or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in
the first place.
17. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive
vibrator.
18. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by
running a bit slower.
19. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply urinating
in the sink.
20. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal.
Since they're always going on about how Tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes
exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.
21. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be
made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask
for a nice steak.
22. Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex '. Take your missus
from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See
how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
23. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the
stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing
machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
24. Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper,
but you'll also be getting paid for it.
boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly
removed.
2. A mousetrap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from going
back to sleep.
3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone
else to hold them while you chop away.
4. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at
people as they walk up the aisle.
5. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate
bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the bleeding thing in the first
place, you fat bastards.
6. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning
you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing
up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
7. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating
into it, before jumping in.
8. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a
handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
9. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two
bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following
morning; having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
10. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to what
you want to look at.
11. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes'
eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
12. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of
oncoming traffic.
13. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
14. Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes
again.
15. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat
hanger in an emergency.
16. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment
or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in
the first place.
17. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive
vibrator.
18. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by
running a bit slower.
19. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply urinating
in the sink.
20. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal.
Since they're always going on about how Tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes
exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.
21. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be
made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask
for a nice steak.
22. Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex '. Take your missus
from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See
how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
23. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the
stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing
machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
24. Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper,
but you'll also be getting paid for it.
- Status