Three Months Since I Had Sex

Last night I was tucked up nicely in bed and partaking in the enjoyment of a hand shandy, when I reached the vinegar strokes. I reached out a hand for a Kleenex and fumbled around in the bottom of the box to grab the last one. Just as I was about to ‘offload’ and bringing the **** flannel towards the old chap, a ****ing centipede fell out of the tissue and into my pubes. There I was, rooting around in my bush for an AWOL arthropod, when my misery was compounded in spectacular fashion by me cumming on myself. Not a good day, fellas (and Tina, whatever you are).

Let this always be a lesson, people: always check your spunk rags for earwigs

 

Three years seems to be more believable.

 

Also, don't smoke and **** at the same time. Got a scar on ma chest from a nasty burn I got doing that.

 

Always have your cleaning up material ready Erik.

 

'

 

Smoking and ****ing, like Noël Coward

 

I was caught up in the passion of the moment

I caught Mrs Palm looking longingly at me and one thing led to another

I'll learn from this

 

A spontaneous ****

 

The best ones always are. Christenings and funerals are definitely a lot more fun after you learn that.

 

Am defo going to be at the church when you're the Godfather at a christening just to see you annoint the babies heid.

 

In other news, the local brothel has announced sweeping redundancies.

 

Who they gonny get to do the sweeping up then?

 

'

 

I'd be like the baboon from The Lion King

 

Pre-****ing Preparations: Cigarette on the burn; Ride of the Valkyries primed; Shot of Dallmayr coffee

Upon immediate climax: Press play, deep drag of nicotine, shot of espresso

Ooh... The Fatherland

 

I have, on occasion, been known to play Ode To Joy at point of orgasm. No ****.

 

Bliss

 

Teutonic-style ****ing is a class above.

 

once u get married it all stops mate 6 months no\w