Someone is masturbating onto the surface of a Richard Clayderman LP The ghost of David Niven is terrifying a small boy in Cologne Mixu Paatelainen has decided to watch an episode of Taggart A Danish transvestite is thinking about buying a new tent Someone in Fife has shouted, 'You can keep the bairns, but don't think you're getting the SCART leads!' You get the picture.
A man named Ian chokes on another person's vomit Ultravox's Vienna plays in the background as a women plucks the feathers from an undersized grouse A visually impaired spinster puts white spirit on her rock-eel Someone finds a human eye nestled inside a packet of Bombay Mix - in Luton Aberdeen experiences a shortage of cream-soda
How would you know it's human? It'd be all dried up and covered in curry power, I reckon it might look like one of those dried chick peas.
Isn't everything that could be possibly happening actually happening right now? Quantum physics says that it is. And isn't. But it is, until you examine it, then it isn't. The Large Hadron Collider proved it. Or it didn't. They proved the WhoTheFuckCares principle, though. Or, mibby they didny. Still, it makes a lovely whooshing noise while colliding. Or, doesn't. Such is life. I may or may not think.
A gentleman in Stoke Newington is beating his wife on the bottom with the 1971 FA Cup Final programme Two little girls are sat on the naughty step at their home in Chorlton after a quarrel about a packet of Parma Violets Mrs Tiggleworth of Chartwell cum Sotwell has lost her wedding ring making hot cross buns A fight has broken out in a pub in Solihull following an argument about whether Fred West was a more inventive serial killer than Peter Sutcliffe A man in Bratislava has been arrested for possession of obscene material - he filmed himself having sex with a goat whilst on holiday in Killarney
Some Bristolian **** could have downed 4 pints of Stella after work and could now be sat in a hotel room getting stuck into a bottle of Chilean Merlot. Mibbe he is, mibbie he 'aint.
By the way, Chilean Merlot, like all Merlot, sucks donkey baws. It's the sweat aff donkey baws dripped into a bottle of ****.
It was the cheapest take out at the bar 11 quid a bottle house red. Next ****er was 16 quid for a sauvignon.
Hotel prices plus good econimics by me. After a few at the bar I'd need a taxi to the nearest offie which would be approx 12 quid round trip.
