Off Topic Things that aren't worth a new thread ...

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Gordon Armstrong said:
IMPORTANT NOTICE: Christmas pub ****ers, please think hard.

It’s that festive time of year when decent, honest boozers are plagued by non-drinkers, and not real non-drinkers, not people who don’t ever drink, they’re fine. We’re talking about people who don’t go near a pub for 11 months of the year, the kind of awful human beings who buy their beer from supermarkets with the weekly shop, people who consume such a laughable quantity of alcohol that they can only be designated as “non-drinkers.”

Whether it’s the Christmas Work’s Do or a Festive Drink With Friends, you are ruining pubs for the rest of us. Everyone hates you, every actual drinker in the pub hates you and all the serving staff hate you, 'cos you’re awful. Here’s a guide about how to not be quite so awful

DO NOT APPROACH THE BAR UNTIL YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT

The bar is an intricate machine full of separate-yet-interconnecting cogs. It is NOT the place to think or choose or decide. The engine only works if everyone knows their place and performs their function. Do you hear that collective groan as you ask the Bartender if they’ve got Cranberry Juice, or as you turn around to ask Barbara what she wants to drink ? That groan is you single-handedly sucking life away from proper drinkers. Make a decision first, then go to the bar and order what you’ve selected. Just like ANY OTHER FORM OF COMMERCE !

DON'T START DRINKING AT 4pm . . . . you’re NOT a drinker, we haven’t seen you all year, you’re an amateur, so don’t start out with a Marathon. You can’t just turn up to the Premier League one day saying “I’m Match Fit, lads.” This is why you’re puking and crying before nine o’clock at night.

YOU ARE IN A ROUND

I don’t care who you’re with, how many of you there are or how well you know them, you are in a Round with all the people you came in with. That’s how it works. You see those twenty five loud, burly, drunken Rugby Players on the other side of the pub ? They are a pleasure to serve compared to you. They order eight pints of lager, eight pints of Guiness, six pints of bitter and three Jack Daniels, then they pay the bill in one fell swoop. Your group orders ten drinks one-at-a-time and then pays for them all one-at-a-time as the rest of pub creeps closer to Death’s eternal grasp waiting for you to finish, despite the fact that nine of you are drinking the same ****ing drink and the last person, THE LAST PERSON, wants a Guiness. Every single person waiting to get served wants your group to die in a complicated house fire.

KNOW WHERE YOU ARE

Look around you. What kind of drinking establishment are you in ? Is it a pub or a bar ? If there are 85 lads watching football on the telly, stop trying to be a drunk, flirty attention-whore because it won’t work. If the walls are cluttered with offers of 6 Shots Of Neon Sourz For A Fiver, don’t try asking for that Single Malt whisky that you memorised from Mad Men. Equally, if it’s a pub adorned with wood furnishings and hand-pulls, stop trying to get the Landlord to make that ****ty cocktail you saw on Sex And The City.

iPHONE ETTIQUETTE

Okay, the music isn’t great, it’s nothing to write home about, but it’s been specifically selected to offend the least amount of people, and it’s background music. If you want anything else, you want to be at a club or a gig. If, however, you’ve decided to“do the pub a favour” by blaring out a playlist from your iPhone, you are a twat . . . . a prize twat. Other expletives come to mind ! Likewise don't get offended if the barman politely gives you a pound and rejects all six Abba songs that you paid for.

ATTRACTING ATTENTION

Newsflash: You are NOT next. You might have been in the bar queue longer than anybody else, but that doesn’t mean that you’re next. Do you know why ? Because there are no "Official Rules Of Queueing At The Bar." The Bartender is 100% in charge of who is next. So do not piss them off. Yes, they can see you, you do not need to bang your change on the top of the bar, and you do not need to wave your money around in the air as if you’re the only person in the room with a tenner (unless it’s a Strip Club). You especially do not need to click your fingers like a Parisian Cafe prick or whistle like a Shepherd herding his flock. These tactics will only achieve one outcome . . . . no matter how long you’ve been waiting up until this point, you’ve just moved yourself to the back of the queue.

PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT

If an old bloke sat at the bar gets served before you do, and the Bartender knows him by name and even seems to know what he’s drinking before he orders it, just shut the **** up. That’s Bob. Bob drinks here all the time, Bob drinks here five times a week, every week, Bob’s custom pays the bills, Bob and the other Regulars keep the pub open eleven months of the year whilst you’re having dinner parties and bulk-buying booze from the supermarket. Yes, they get preferential treatment. Accept it and shut the **** up.

Thank you
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****ing nailed it mate
 
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One of my sons bought me this for Christmas, time to start turning all the bits into something that resembles a Yamaha XV1600 bike and rider.
I haven't done one for what seems like ages, even though ive got a wardrobe full of the buggers.
I'll post a pic when I get them finished, might be a couple of weeks.

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Smug in Boots said:
Great photo.

It was amazing the bridge wasn't damaged during the bombing raids on Sunderland ...

... more than 250 civilians were killed and the yards were an obvious target.
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I wonder if there was fog around the river.

I know Durham Cathedral survived as there was often fog around when the bombers came over. I've heard people claim it was divine intervention!
 
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Smug in Boots said:
Great photo.

It was amazing the bridge wasn't damaged during the bombing raids on Sunderland ...

... more than 250 civilians were killed and the yards were an obvious target.
Click to expand...
My grandad was a reserved occupation during WW2 as he worked in the shipyards. He told me that he was caught up scaffolding rigs and cranes more than once when the German bombers came over during the night. I asked him what he did. He just said there was nothing he could do and he just had to stay where he was and hope that the yard didn’t get hit.
 
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clockstander said:
During WW2 a bomber flew up River towards the Bridge as we ran across it towards home , I dropped my dummy and ran back for it, the pilot saw me and waved as he pulled out of his mission , I was hailed a hero by the only soul that witnessed my daring do, my long departed Mother.
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Cracking story mate, thanks for sharing, you hero:emoticon-0165-muscl
 
clockstander said:
During WW2 a bomber flew up River towards the Bridge as we ran across it towards home , I dropped my dummy and ran back for it, the pilot saw me and waved as he pulled out of his mission , I was hailed a hero by the only soul that witnessed my daring do, my long departed Mother.
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Oh Clocky not wanting to be cheeky but did your mam ever manage to wean you off your dummy asking for a mate

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Row 3 said:
That roundabout between Washington Galleries and the retail park is gridlocked loads since the big M&S moved there.
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Sometimes the retail park queue backs up on the roundabout and then it gridlocks the Sainsburys car park as nobody can get out. I got stuck there the other day.

Also get annoyed with the McDonald's queue that stops people leaving the Arnison Centre.

Eeeh I should be a car park designer :emoticon-0102-bigsm
 
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