A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
I met my new girlfriends parents last night, her dad took me to one side n said "if you ever hurt her you will have me to answer to" i said "thats highly unlikely, ive only got a small cock n she has an arsehole like a hippo's yawn....
http://news.sky.com/home/strange-news/article/16170878 Funny as **** if he fell off.................why would he want to do that?
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
Miss Brown ask the pupils in her English class to give her a sentence with the word “fascinate” in it. Little Emily puts her hand up and Miss Brown says go ahead Emily. Emily says – “I went to my uncles farm and saw his little lambs and I thought it was fascinating”. Miss Brown says no Emily “fascinate” not fascinating. Little Polly puts her hand up and Miss Brown says go ahead Polly. Polly says “I watched my uncle serving people in his shop and I was fascinated”. Miss Brown says no Polly “fascinate” not fascinated. Little Jonny puts his hand up and Miss Brown thinks oh no not Jonny although surely he can’t do anything with the word “fascinate” so she says go ahead Jonny. Jonny says – “ My Aunt Gina has a new cardigan with ten buttons but her tits are that big she can only fascinate”
What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs? A clit round the ear and a flap across the face
My ex wife is thick - she went to the doctors complaining of chest pains so the doctor got her to undress and then examined her. When she had her clothes back on he said "I have to tell you Mrs Penguin that you have acute angina" She said thats awfully nice of you to say that doc but any idea about the chest pain?
i called round the mother in laws the other day and found her unconcious on the floor. i tried doing the hands only CPR the way that Vinnie Jones showed me on the BHF advert but by the time i'd found Bee Gee's Greatist Hits CD the poor old cow was dead!
Something you've probably seen already but for those that haven't. Wayne Rooney was shopping in Tesco and he was looking vacantly at some flasks on a display. An assistant was walking by and Rooney says to her " What are they?" She replies " They're thermos flasks " He says " What do they do?" Assistant " Well, they keep hot things hot and cold things cold " " F*ck me " he says " I'll have one of those and take it to training to show the lads " Rooney goes home, picks his kit up and heads off to training. After about an hours kick around he taps Ferguson on the shoulder and says " Boss, I've got something to show you, it's unbelievable " He takes Ferguson over to the touchline and points at the flask...." Look what I've bought " Ferguson says " What's that?" Rooney " It's a flask " Ferguson " What does it do " Rooney " It's f*cking great boss, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold " Ferguson " What have you got in it?" Rooney " Two cups of coffee and a choc ice "
Your spelling hasn't improved much lately Syd, it's clip around the ear and slap across the face silly.
