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The Outing Of Barrie Lochrie

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by Patience, Aug 22, 2017.

  1. Patience

    Patience Spastic Arab

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    Barrie grimaced as he ejaculated all over his own stomach. This was the 3rd time today he'd lay on the back seat of his Renault Picasso 2004 Model MPV and masturbated to the thought of his close friend, Iain Kawimbe's wife, Patience, towering over him and unleashing a torrent of hot African piss, like a big black dam with a fanny in the middle of it, releasing its golden torrent in to his mouth, his chloride-sensitive eyes stinging.

    He sighed as he collected the cooling white gloop in his palm. It was so congealed due to his poor diet that he was able to pick it up in one and, as advised by fellow staunch Protestant, Russ, swallow it whole, thus making the post-masturbatory clean up a simple and straightforward operation. Clearly Russ had learnt a lot during his time in the Paras, and the cold-blooded execution of penis juice was just one of many examples.


    --------------------------------------


    This is as far as my creative writing has got so far. Looking for others to write their own bits and chapters, then, once we have enough, I will copy and paste together, and then send out to various publishing companies. If all else fails, I'd look to start up a GoFundMe and take it to The Fringe next year, followed by a gay porno adaption in which we all take part.

    Casting Board is myself, Barrie, and Scan. Dev will be dealing with the child auditions.

    Regards,

    Jiffy
     
    #1
  2. Patience

    Patience Spastic Arab

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    Scene 2 - Julie is in the new bathroom of the family home, lovingly installed by Polish migrants

    Julie leant over the bath as she aggressively used the hedge cutters to trim her nose hair. Barrie had been acting strangely for years now, always on his phone, protective of the computer and work laptop he was always on. Ever since he had been christened at the age of 34 in 2009 he had seemed like a shadow of his former staunch self. Now, at 42, Julie was worried Barrie had regrets about being a turncoat, and that he wasn't a committed bead-rattler like her and their children, Declan Mick O'Toon and Tina Bernadette.

    "OUCH!", Julie yelped. She needed to be more careful when trimming her monstrously thick nose mane. Blood was now gushing, so she quickly rolled up a large family pack of Ikea towels and stuffed them up her enlarged nose cavity, hoping to stem the flow so she didn't pass out.
    She decided she would try to hack Barrie's laptop and see what he was taking his mind off her and their horrible, stinking, ugly fenian bastard kids....
     
    #2
  3. Mind The Duck

    Mind The Duck Well-Known Member

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  4. Toley Fart

    Toley Fart not606's best fighter

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    Barrie will not recover from this battering
     
    #4
  5. User Deleted

    User Deleted Well-Known Member

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    this is prob my fave thread ever
     
    #5
  6. Mind The Duck

    Mind The Duck Well-Known Member

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    Reaching surreptitiously for his other smart phone Barrie touch typed a warning to Pud.

    Pud, having the judgement of an experienced suicide bomber, left his semen encrusted Samsung s6 charging by the baby monitor.

    Mrs Pud, not believing that Blood Sugar Sex Magic was an appropriate lullaby, intervened.

    Pud was last seen crossing the southern united states.

    please log in to view this image
     
    #6
  7. Tina.

    Tina. Well-Known Member

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    You need help, pal.
     
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  8. Patience

    Patience Spastic Arab

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    Scene 3 - Prime Suspect Kevin is clock watching at the biscuit factory, another night shift almost completed

    "Ooooh ooooh ooh oooh ooh", shouted Kevin as he beat his chest. Simon Wontonsoop, Factory Foreman and Far East Aficionado, was exasperated by Kevin's behaviour, however he'd stuck his neck on the line to get him the job, needed him to succeed, and was hoping Kevin's vastly lower IQ - it was rumoured to be 43 - would mean he wouldn't mind his 2-bananas-per-hour wage, well below that of Simon's hardest factory worker, Mindy Thestep, who was also his highest-earner, currently taking home 9-crayons-per-hour.

    Anyhow, it had been a crazy shift. Kevin's 2-week probation period was almost over and, despite his elongated arms, coarse body hair, and penchant for throwing his own faeces, he was still proving himself to be adept at Quality Control on the Digestive Line, even if the odd thick, black hair was getting through.
     
    #8
  9. DevAdvocate

    DevAdvocate Gigging bassist

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    Barrie scaled the walls of the £756,000 Sussex mansion with all the stealth of a gekko on a Mallorcan shower wall. As luck would have it the window was open. He dropped in and slipped out of his dungerees and let the cool air caress his sweaty skin.

    The house was quiet. He looked into one room and saw the sleeping Peter Andre - without the wig and wax on his face he was rather beautiful. But Barrie wasn't into arses. Not today.

    He heard a noise coming from the bathroom. He ran along the landing, his giant cock swinging in the air like Saddam on Youtube. He looked into the bathroom and saw a mad little f**ker, big as a barrel and blind as a bat leaping up and down in some boiling water.

    "Barrie!" said a voice behind him. "Stop looking at my son with your cock out". Barrie slowly turned around and saw Katie Price in front of him - wearing nothing but a Juicy Couture camisole and the slightest glistening of her ample clunge.

    As ever Barrie's cock became harder than the Guardian cryptic and proceeded to bang her tits off as Harvey ate a bag of Prawn Cocktail crisps from the floor that Barrie had brought just in case.

    Before Barrie left he wiped his now dying cock on Harvey's afro, bent down to the prone Jordan, who lay liked a painter's radio in the moonlight, and whispered "Awooga" in her ear and patted her on the fanny.
     
    #9
  10. A.L.D.O 4.1

    A.L.D.O 4.1 1 of the top defendants in Europe

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    Im waiting for the audiobook to come out.
     
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  11. DevAdvocate

    DevAdvocate Gigging bassist

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    "Barrie, please come in" said the secretary as she adjusted her horn rimmed glasses and felt the sudden rush of blood to her clunge.

    Barrie strode into the room like a Titan with a clown face. His eyes were drawn to the secretary's tight black pencil skirt and loose white blouse, through which he could see a straining white bra and within that a pair of massive bristols.

    "I've come to fix your pipes" announced Baz with his deep barotone timbre filling the room like spunk filling a vagina after after a ten year prison sentence.

    The secretary quickly sat on the desk and unhooked her tight Croydon facelift hairdo unleashing waves and waves of lush brown hair.

    Barrie dropped his dungarees and let his throbbing member fall to the ground. As he spied the secretary's glistening axe wound his cock stood to attention quicker than a Chelsea Pensioner at the Cenotaph.

    He then banged her. And banged her. And banged her. Until the secretary was like a floppy doll covered with spunk.

    As Barrie wiped his now flacid python on some company stationery he whispered "Awooga" to the naked secretary and patted her on the fanny.
     
    #11
  12. Patience

    Patience Spastic Arab

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    Scene 4 - A donor kebab hits the living room wall as a morbidly obese woman screams at a balled-up target at her feet

    Trevor screamed. He hadn't known fear like this since he hitch hiked across Australia, using his good looks and post-puberty moobs to great effect. Now he was truly terrified. He'd gone from on top of the world and in love with Senga, to being a battered boyfriend, scared of his girlfriend, house-bound, too frightened to even go out for Senga's favourite kebabs.

    Incidentally, this was why she was angry again. Trev's fat fingers had messed up her Just Eat order again, and Senga's full fury was being aimed in his rather large direction. As a target, he was hard to miss, yet she still managed to hit the wall.
     
    #12
  13. A.L.D.O 4.1

    A.L.D.O 4.1 1 of the top defendants in Europe

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    Hmmm not convinced about this part tbh.
     
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  14. monacoger

    monacoger POTY 2021

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    Julie hasn't got big nostrils though, hers are pretty much melted together hence the high pitched sound she makes through them. At least try to keep this non-fiction, other than that though, well written <ok>
     
    #14
  15. Tina.

    Tina. Well-Known Member

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    Jeez oh. I'm calling @policescotland
     
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  16. Patience

    Patience Spastic Arab

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    Scene 5 - Multiple Members on a faceless internet forum tell Mags Haney to **** off

    "**** off, Tuna", they say in unison.
     
    #16
  17. Toley Fart

    Toley Fart not606's best fighter

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    No surrender
     
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  18. Patience

    Patience Spastic Arab

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    Really looking forward to Barrie's own version of events, and to the foreword he will be writing.

    WATP

    :emoticon-0172-mooni:emoticon-0165-muscl:emoticon-0135-makeu
     
    #18
  19. monacoger

    monacoger POTY 2021

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    please log in to view this image
     
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  20. The Cunnilungus Connoisseur

    The Cunnilungus Connoisseur Official POTY 2011, 2014, 2015, 2018 & 2023

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    The board at the Dubai Club for The Disabled were always wary of the him and his wild temper tantrums, Jiffrey O'Teuchtartaig, had been labelled as ''Downsweeper Willie" due to his fiery Jock temper, bald ginger head, his 4th degree Downs and the fact that his tongue hung so far out his mouth, that simply wheeling about the Emirate led to street being cleared of all sand and sacrificial goats blood.

    Jiff's notoriety stemmed from an incident where a 'simple' black man was doing an unpaid internship on behalf of the Club making sure all members of the Club were having a pleasurable time and unfortunately for him, he had the audacity to try and befriend the slabbering spastic on Facebook. Jiff went absolutely berserk and unleashed a full racial tirade to the poor charity worker, the keyboard on Jiff's wheelchair started to smoke as the Hawkins style voice, normally used to explain the wonders of the universe, went into full expletive mode and reduced the 'simple' black man to a quivering wreck.

    This time though, Jiff's insatiable rage had been irked by a Proud Young Protestant who had managed to snare a large nostriled female taig in his native Scotland and were planning in holidaying in Dubai in October, Jiff had a plan to turn this unrepentent fenian slag's head. Obviously, as he had been desimated by MND, his penis was a flacid as Gambol's, but he knew that his massive tongue could be put to use...
     
    #20
    Last edited: Aug 22, 2017

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