Stolen from somewhere else. I know it's serious and that we shouldn't. However.... The London Olympics OPENING CEREMONY The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown into the arena by a native of the Tottingham area of the City, wearing the traditional costume of balaclava and shell suit. THE EVENTS In previous Olympics London's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes: 100 METRES SPRINT Competitors will have to hold a DVD Player and a microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of a starting pistol a police dog will be released 10 metres behind the athletes. 110 METRES HURDLES As above but with added obstacles, ie car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls etc. HAMMER The competitors will be allowed to make a choice of hammer, (Claw, Sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within their allotted time. WEIGHTLIFTING From a standing position competitors will have various electronic goods placed in their arms. In order to complete a lift these must then be taken through the shop door and placed in a mate's van. FENCING Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen jewellery as possible within five minutes. SHOOTING A series of targets will be set up to establish the competitor's ability over a range of disciplines The targets to be as follows: 1 - A Moving Police Van 2 - A Post Office Clerk 3 - A Bank Teller or Securicor Driver CYCLING TIME TRIALS Competitors will be asked to break into the LSE bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some Mummy's Boy from the country on his first trip away from home - Against the clock. CYCLING PURSUIT As above however this time the break in must occur at Tottingham Police Station and must be witnessed by an officer. TIME TRIAL The competitor who can waste the most of the court's valuable time before being found guilty will be adjudged the winner. MODERN PENTATHLON Amended to include mugging, breaking & entering, flashing, joyriding and arson. THE MARATHON A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up dog ****, crisp packets and used hypodermic syringes on their way round. MEN'S 50Km WALK Q - Why does the Thames run through London? A - Because if it walked it would get mugged. Therefore for safety reasons this event has been cancelled. DISCUS Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw it to his mate the fastest. In addition the following 'exhibition event' designed at promoting the local culture will be introduced. BASEBALL Each competitor to be given a stainless steel baseball bat. Last person standing wins. CLOSING CEREMONY In an attempt to capture the timeless beauty of London, competitors from every nation will be chased across Hyde Park by Knife wielding locals. They will then scatter to the four corners of the City to find their car aerial ripped off, driver side window broken and stereo liberated. Their assailants will return to the park providing a riot of colour and sound as their shell suits converge. The Olympic flame (if still in place) will be extinguished by eight Cockneys forming a circle and ****ing on it. The closing speech will consist of the words 'Everyone in London's a geezer you know' . No-one will laugh. Each visitor will be hugged on exiting the stadium and will return home to find their wallet missing.
