Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD
- Thread starter Garlic Klopp
- Start date
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A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night. Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer.
He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'
The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgetting the answer. Her husband keeps reminding her, "The head, heart and penis."
Come the game show she has forgotten again, and the presenter asks, "For $100,000, what are the three main parts of the male anatomy? You have ten seconds."
"Um... the head."
"Good. Eight seconds."
"Um... the heart."
"That's right. Five seconds."
"Oh... um... damn. My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough! You've won $100,000!"
He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'
The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgetting the answer. Her husband keeps reminding her, "The head, heart and penis."
Come the game show she has forgotten again, and the presenter asks, "For $100,000, what are the three main parts of the male anatomy? You have ten seconds."
"Um... the head."
"Good. Eight seconds."
"Um... the heart."
"That's right. Five seconds."
"Oh... um... damn. My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough! You've won $100,000!"
As we approach Good Friday let us remember when Jesus looked down from his cross, and spoke out those immortal words to his disciples... "None of you Twats touch my chocolate, i'll be back in three days!!
Brand new Lip Augmentation: now offered at LIDL as l understand it.
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A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders another double martini.
After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders another one.
The bartender says: "Look, buddy, I'll bring you martini's all night long - but you got to tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies: "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I will know it's time to go home!"
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders another double martini.
After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders another one.
The bartender says: "Look, buddy, I'll bring you martini's all night long - but you got to tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies: "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I will know it's time to go home!"
red and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school." Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school." After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His mom says "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school." Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school." After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His mom says "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
Felisberto
One day, Felisberto wanted to buy a motorcycle. His choice was the Harley-Davidson. There was a only a problem - the chrome. The seller advised to use Vaseline to protect it whenever it rained. And so it was. Felisberto, whenever he saw rain, he would smear his motorcycle with Vaseline. Thanks to the motorcycle, he met a woman and they started to date. One day, she invites him to have dinner at her house and to meet her parents. And that's what happened. At the time of the meal, the father says - "In this house we have a rule - The first person who speaks after the meal is over, is the person that washes the dishes". Felisberto though that the rule was weird but decided to obey. When the meal was over, he decided to do an experiment to see if anyone would even speak, and starts to shamelessly kiss his girlfriend. They were basically making out in the table and no one said a word. He decided to go further, so he grabed his girlfriend, put her on the table, and BANG, but everbody was still silent. Not happy, he grabs his future mother-in-law and BANG, and nobody said anything. In the meantime, it starts to rain. Felisberto goes to his leather jacket and pulls out the Vaseline package. The father, frightened, looks at the package and swiftly says: "Ok, Ok, I'll wash the dishes".
One day, Felisberto wanted to buy a motorcycle. His choice was the Harley-Davidson. There was a only a problem - the chrome. The seller advised to use Vaseline to protect it whenever it rained. And so it was. Felisberto, whenever he saw rain, he would smear his motorcycle with Vaseline. Thanks to the motorcycle, he met a woman and they started to date. One day, she invites him to have dinner at her house and to meet her parents. And that's what happened. At the time of the meal, the father says - "In this house we have a rule - The first person who speaks after the meal is over, is the person that washes the dishes". Felisberto though that the rule was weird but decided to obey. When the meal was over, he decided to do an experiment to see if anyone would even speak, and starts to shamelessly kiss his girlfriend. They were basically making out in the table and no one said a word. He decided to go further, so he grabed his girlfriend, put her on the table, and BANG, but everbody was still silent. Not happy, he grabs his future mother-in-law and BANG, and nobody said anything. In the meantime, it starts to rain. Felisberto goes to his leather jacket and pulls out the Vaseline package. The father, frightened, looks at the package and swiftly says: "Ok, Ok, I'll wash the dishes".
At least the wife is standing by me, so far
DRINKING THIS BECAUSE WATER IS TOO EXPENSIVE IN THE TRAIN
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A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud,but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!". The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing! Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she ****s on you!"
A man walks into the Election office, says to the receptionist: "I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an Independent candidate. The receptionist replied, "Certainly sir Please fill out this form.'' He was filling the form until he came to the question, ''Are you circumcised?'' So he asked the receptionist "Is that question necessary?" She replied, "If you are circumcised you are not eligible". He asked what difference it would make if he was circumcised? She replied, "To become a politician, you have to be a complete prick".