Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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Where's your Bathroom?

On his way home from the market, a little piggy stopped at a restaurant and asked the waiter for a glass of water and directions to their restroom. The waiter grabbed the glass of water and said, "walk down that hall and it's the second door on your right."
After a long morning at home, another little piggy decided she wanted a cup of coffee at the local restaurant. When she got there, she realized she had to use the bathroom first, so she asked the first waiter she saw. "It's down the hall and on your right," he answered.
Two other little piggys were on a date at the restaurant; one of them had roast beef, but the other was too nervous to eat anything. At the end of the meal, they both decided to ask their waiter where they could go to the restroom before they left.
When another little piggy walked in and ordered a lemonade, the waiter rolled his eyes and asked, "Do you want to know where the bathroom is, too?" This little piggy smiled and answered, "No, I'm the little piggy who went 'wee wee wee' all the way home!"
 
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A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it's filled to
the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar
and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks,
"What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10
which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less,
and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth.
You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex.
You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says,
"Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.Tears stream
down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a
terrible fight -then, nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.
His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
 
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Dialogue between a medical doctor and his 60 year old male patient.
Patient: Doctor, what do you say about the results of my comprehensive medical tests?
Doctor: l will say you are in very good and stable health condition.
Patient: Do you therefore think l will be able to live for another 30 years?
Doctor: Do you drink?
Patient: No.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Patient: Not at all.
Doctor: Do you womanize?
Patient: Never.
Doctor: What then do you want to spend another 30 years doing?
<laugh><laugh><laugh><laugh><laugh><laugh><laugh><laugh><laugh>WHAO !<laugh><laugh><laugh><laugh>.
 
A man is drinking in a bar when he notices a beautiful young lady. "Hello there and what is your name?" "Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?" "I'm Jim." "Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight?" “Sure!" replies Jim. "Let's go!" At Stacey’s house, Jim notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk and asks, "Is this your brother?" "No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. "Is it your husband?" Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" "Then, it must be your boyfriend!" Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!" "Then, who is it?" Stacey replies, "That's me before my operation!"
 
A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star."
The agent asked, "What's your name..?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
“Really” said the agent “I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name..! “said the young man “The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will never change my name."
“Well” said the agent “I have worked in Hollywood for years and know you will NEVER go far with a name like Penis van Lesbian..! You will HAVE TO change your name or you'll never get on"
"So be it” said the youngster “I guess we will not do business together" and he left the agent's office.
Five years pass and the agent receives and opens an envelope, inside which was a letter and a cheque for $50,000.
Who would possibly send him $50,000..? He reads the letter...
Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, but you told me I would never make it with a name like Penis van Lesbian.
I left your office and thought about what you said. I decided you were right and changed my name and signed with another agent. I would never have made it without taking your advice and changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
 
888NabyKeita8 said:
Where's your Bathroom?

On his way home from the market, a little piggy stopped at a restaurant and asked the waiter for a glass of water and directions to their restroom. The waiter grabbed the glass of water and said, "walk down that hall and it's the second door on your right."
After a long morning at home, another little piggy decided she wanted a cup of coffee at the local restaurant. When she got there, she realized she had to use the bathroom first, so she asked the first waiter she saw. "It's down the hall and on your right," he answered.
Two other little piggys were on a date at the restaurant; one of them had roast beef, but the other was too nervous to eat anything. At the end of the meal, they both decided to ask their waiter where they could go to the restroom before they left.
When another little piggy walked in and ordered a lemonade, the waiter rolled his eyes and asked, "Do you want to know where the bathroom is, too?" This little piggy smiled and answered, "No, I'm the little piggy who went 'wee wee wee' all the way home!"
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Diane Abbott has stated today that if Labour gets into power she will cancel funding to the Paralympics, because after what those Paras did to Jeremy Corbyn, it’s not fair that they should have their own Olympics.....
 
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