Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"
 
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...for the bank heist of the century. He ended up robbing a main vault of one of the biggest banks in the United States. It went off without a hitch, except that he forgot to disable one of the security cameras, and when he got home that night to count his cash, he found his face plastered all over the newspaper and television news.
The salesman laid low, but it was pretty obvious that with all this attention it was only a matter of days until he would be apprehended. Then he was struck with a brilliant idea. He pulled on a baseball cap and sunglasses, jumped into his car and drove to the local offices of an offshore telemarketing firm, where he forced them at gunpoint to agree to sign a five year complete promotions and publicity campaign. The offshore contract guaranteed excellent results with this comprehensive campaign.
The salesman was never seen or heard from again.
Moral of the story: Sometimes it may be better to just not get what you pay for.
 
I was in the pub on Friday night.

I noticed two large girls by the bar. They both had strong accents so I said "Hi, are you two girls from Scotland"?

One of them chirped "It's WALES you idiot"!!!

So I immediately apologised and said "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland"?
 
A Randy Wife's Request to her Husband

Last night down the pub a bloke was saying that his wife told him to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that "help" get an erection.

He said "You should have seen her face when I came back and gave her some diet pills!"
 
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A Blonde Was Summoned To Court To...

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night of August 24th?"

"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"

"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I don't mind answering the question."

"I object!" the defense said again.

"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."

The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object."

So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?"

The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know!"
 
An Excited Little Johnny Returns From The Ball Game

Coming home from his Little League game, Little Johnny swung open the front door very excited.

Because his father was unable to attend the game, he immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son" he asked?

"You'll never believe it" Little Johnny said! "I was responsible for the winning run"!!

"Really? How'd you do that"?

"I dropped the ball".
 
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Garlic Klopp said:
A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"
Click to expand...

This took place in septicland, presumably <doh>
 
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Lottery player wins extra £12.5m after buying two tickets by accident


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One very lucky Australian man is now £25m richer after winning the lottery twice in a single night.
He had played the same numbers for 30 years, but accidentally bought two identical tickets for Tuesday's draw instead of one.

The blunder doubled his winnings from £12.5m to £25m - arguably making it one of the luckiest mistakes in history.

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888NabyKeita8 said:
Lottery player wins extra £12.5m after buying two tickets by accident


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One very lucky Australian man is now £25m richer after winning the lottery twice in a single night.
He had played the same numbers for 30 years, but accidentally bought two identical tickets for Tuesday's draw instead of one.

The blunder doubled his winnings from £12.5m to £25m - arguably making it one of the luckiest mistakes in history.

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Click to expand...

The guy is holding a cheque worth 71m... :huh:
 
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Zanjinho said:
The guy is holding a cheque worth 71m... :huh:
Click to expand...

AUD

An Aussie Dollar is less than £1...


... Although it still wouldn't be $70mill, it should be almost roughly half that. Which makes me wonder if each ticket was really £25mill not £12.5 and they got the facts/exchange wrong in the article.
 
Meelk said:
AUD

An Aussie Dollar is less than £1...


... Although it still wouldn't be $70mill, it should be almost roughly half that. Which makes me wonder if each ticket was really £25mill not £12.5 and they got the facts/exchange wrong in the article.
Click to expand...

The guy holding the cheque is English and won the Euro lottery a couple of weeks ago. He has nothing to do with the Aussie lottery winner
 
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Meelk said:
AUD

An Aussie Dollar is less than £1...


... Although it still wouldn't be $70mill, it should be almost roughly half that. Which makes me wonder if each ticket was really £25mill not £12.5 and they got the facts/exchange wrong in the article.
Click to expand...

They're are several pictures of different lottery winners, Dribs just used the wrong picture again
 
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LAZARUS, COME OUT!

The children's Sunday School classes were presenting their end of the year program for the congregation - telling about the life of Jesus.

When it came to the part about Jesus' miracles, one little boy said, "Yes, Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead!" The teacher urged him to tell the audience more.

He said, "Well, Jesus told them to open the tomb, and then He said, 'Lazarus, come out!' And it's a good thing he didn't just say 'Come out!' because there would have been a stampede of dead guys."

Needless to say the congregation enjoyed the presentation very much.
 
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