The JOKE Thread!

Here we go then!

A new sticky to celebrate lots of jokes!

I shall start with this one...............

Tracy is blonde, and runs a hairdressers in Brentwood. Due to the current economic climate, the shop starts to lose money, hand over fist.

As it gets to the end of the week, she sees that the Euromillions draw is up at £24m, so after closing the shop, she gets on her knees, puts her hands together and says...

"Gawd, I know I aven't been to church since I got married, but the business is going darn the swanee, and if I don't get a big load of cash soon, me and the hubby are gonna lose the shop. Please let me win the lottery?"

The draw comes and goes, and Tracy hasn't won.

The next week, the shop gets repossessed. The car is taken away. In panic, Tracy kneels down again....

"Gawd, I know I asked last week, but please, please help....My business is gone, my car has gone, and if something don't happen soon, We're gonna be out on the street"

The draw comes and goes, and Tracy hasn't won.

The next week, the bailliffs turn up, and take all the furniture, and finally a brown envelope drops on the mat, telling her that the house will be repossessed.

In desperation, she drops to her knees and says.....

"Please, Gawd, it is almost too late. Please help us!"

Suddenly, the loud, booming voice of God says.....

"For heaven's sake woman...Buy a bleeding ticket, and help me out here!"

 

When in mcdonalds the other day i was being served by a large,over weight lady...

after waiting several minutes for my food she finially brought it over to me...
she said 'sorry about the wait'

my response was...' its ok fatso, ur lose it eventually'



Im here all week

 

A farmer goes down to a farmers market and buys himself a new cockerel. He brings the new bird home and puts it in with his chickens. As soon as he lets it go, it runs around all 150 of his chickens and has its wicked way with them. The farmer is shocked at this so decides that he can't leave the cockerel in with his chickens.

He recaptures the bird and moves it in with his ducks and geese. However, once again, as soon as he lets it go, it runs around all the ducks and geese and has its wicked way again.

Not knowing what to do with this randy animal, he moves it into its own pen, so as to protect the rest of his birds, and goes to bed.

The next day, he goes out to check on his animals, and when he gets to the cockerel he finds it lying half dead in its pen with vultures circling overhead.

"Serves you right! Randly little sod" the farmer says to the cockerel.

"Shh!!! They're about to land!!" replies the cockerel, lifting his head to look at the vultures.

 

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First
is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is
boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish
by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is
attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he
do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat
anything..

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South
American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He
grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what
to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to the
other lions and says "What's the food like here?"

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps
with Mushy Bees.

 

walking about in cardiff the other day i pass a beggar & he says any change mate, i look at him no sorry we are still top of the league.

 

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: - - -silence - -
HUSBAND! : "oh ****"

 

two cardiff farmers were rounding up sheep when a ewe goes wild,runs into a fence and gets her head stuck..they look at each other and one says this is too good an opportunity to pass up..so he unzips his fly and rides the ewe for ten minutes..when finished he asks his buddy if he fancies some of that..too right he replies and frantically pulls down his pants and sticks his head in the fence.

 

Doc - "Hello. How can I help you?"
Man - "I've got an orange willy, doc."

Doc - "What??"
Man - "My willy - it's turned orange."
Doc - "Umm... I'll have to look that up....It seems it could be a sign of stress, do you suffer from stress?"
Man - "Not really."

Doc - "What about stress at work?"
Man - "Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete idiot for a boss, worked 80 hours week for pennies and then I got the sack."

Doc - "That sounds very stressful."
Man - "Yeah, but my new job is great - half the hours, 3 times the salary and I feel really appreciated."

Doc - "Umm... what about your home life?"
Man - "Well, my girlfriend is a complete cow, she nags non-stop and doesn't like me watching football."

Doc - "That sounds stressful."
Man - "Yeah, but I'm leaving her and I've never been happier."

Doc - "Umm... what about your social life?"
Man - "Social life? I don't really have time for one."
Doc - "Really? What do you do in your spare time?"
Man - "Watch porn and eat Cheesy Wotsits."

 

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married so she placed an ad in the local paper. It read: HUSBANDD WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED. ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day, she heard her doorbell ring , and when she answered it, much to her dismay, there was an old man sitting in a wheelchair who had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, "your not honestly asking me to consider you, are you? Just look you have no legs"
The old man smiled and replied "ah, but then i cant run around on you."
She snorted. "but you dont have any hands either"
Again the old man smiled "nor can I beat you"
She raised an eyebrow and glared intently. "Are you still good in bed?"
With that the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a broad smile and said "I rang the doorbell didnt I?"

 

My blonde girlfriend was celebrating. I asked her why she was so happy. She said that she had finished a jigsaw in 3 days, and it said 2 - 4 years on the box.

 

Good idea Mango

please log in to view this image

 

To follow on from Fulham's decision to erect a statue of Michael Jackson outside Craven Cottage, Cardiff have acted swiftly to commission a bronze of Jim Bowen to take pride of place outside Cardiff City Stadium.

Emblazed under dear ol' Jim, in true Bullseye spirit will the words - 'Now let's see what you could have won'

 

Mine is a simple spot the difference competition
It is quite difficult to spot the difference between the 2 clips so please look very carefully
http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgu...s&hl=en&sa=X&biw=1230&bih=511&tbm=isch&itbs=1
http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgu...s&hl=en&sa=X&biw=1230&bih=511&tbm=isch&itbs=1

 

The manager of a Third Division club called his leading goal-scorer into his office.

'You've played so well this season,' he said, 'that the committee has decided to give you a special bonus.

We would like you to accept this cheque for £500.'


'Thank you very much,' said the player. 'That's very kind of you.'

'And,' continued the manager, 'if you play as well for the rest of the season, the chairman will sign it for you.'

 

The Devil was constantly challenging St Peter to a game of soccer, but St Peter refused, until one day while walking around' heaven he discovered that quite a number of international footballers had entered the 'pearly gates'.

"I think I'll arrange to play that soccer game," said St Peter to the Devil. "We have a great number of international soccer stars in heaven at the moment from which to select a winning team."

"You'll lose, you'll lose!" taunted the Devil. "What makes you so sure we'll lose?" enquired St Peter. "Because," laughed the Devil, "we have all the referees down here."

 

Rob Hulse starting PAHAHAHAHAHA...wait....aaaah crap



(Please make me eat my words)

 

Ditto the first bit.

It'll take more than one goal to make that joke rebound.

 

Scunthorpe 4 Rangers 1

AND

Hulse scored...

 

Woman walks into a boozer and orders a double entendre... so the barman gives her one!

 

Like it.