After being made redundant from my job at Luton Airport a couple of days ago, I decided to try and have a laugh so I thought this to be a good thing... so come on guys & gals, go for it ! I will start the ball rolling....... Three dyslexic Bank Robbers walk into a Bank shouting " Air in the hand mother stickers, this is a ****up " ! Charles, anyone ?
Dyslexia rules KO DNA = National Dyslexic Association How do you get a fat bird into bed..... Piece of cake
If there was a competition for saggy tits, my wife would beat everyone. In fact, she'd wipe the floor with them. ______________ The other one is a bit edgy but i found it funny, [NSFW] Apparently Megan Stammer's friend is to blame for what's happened. She's been shagging teachers for years. Megan asked her how many teachers she's had sex with. She replied "Well, I've done the English teacher, the geography teacher, the music teacher and the biology teacher. You do the maths".[/NSFW]
Stephen Hawking goes out on a blind date He returns home two hours later with five cracked ribs, a broken nose, two black eyes and four teeth missing His flatmate says "**** me mate, what happened?" "The bitch stood me up"
This ones for Paul Gallagher My girlfriend was putting sun cream on. "Do you mind doing my back?" she asked. "Let's pretend I'm your butler" I winked. "My name's Dawes." "Ok!" she giggled, "Would you mind doing my back, Dawes?" And that was all the invitation I needed...
This is just going to be a copy and paste job from sikipedia and Frankie Boyle's twitter isn't it. Might as well jump of the bridge if everyone else is doing it: A woman brings 8 year old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her 8 year old daughter. Johnny's mother says "Lets' not be too harsh on them, they are bound to be curious at that age." "Curious?" replies Mary's mother, "He's taken her appendix out!"
I went down to the Chinese restaurant last night when the owner said to me. "You wan com in kitchen and watch me cook you food?" I said "Thanks, it would be nice to see how it's all done." So he took me through to the kitchen, put the wok on and said " What you do for wivin?" I said " What do I do for a living? Well actually I'm a bit of a comedian." The owner said " Ok go on, change colour" "No, no" I said. "That's a cameleon. I'm a comedian, you know, I tell jokes and make people laugh." "Ok" he said. " You tell me joke and make me waff" So I just started telling him my best joke, when I looked up and noticed the wok was on fire. I shouted to the owner " WOK, WOK" He said. " Who's there!!"
Piece of string goes into a bar and asks for a drink Barman says "Sorry we don't serve string" So he goes outside loops himself and chews both his ends - he then goes back into the bar and again asks for a drink The barman looks at him suspiciously and says "are you a piece of string?" "No I'm afarid not" .... What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
@nuge101235: A girl went into the doctors office with a strawberry up her arse, the doctor said ive got some "cream" for that! ahahaha #classic @nuge101235: What do you call an alligator in a vest? A investigator! Hahahahaha! #class @nuge101235: What do you call a cow during an earthquake? A milkshake! #YESSSS @nuge101235: What do u call a spanish football player with no legs? Gracias! Hahahhaha! #alltimefavourite @nuge101235: "@jhandford11: @nuge101235 What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills? Burnadette" quality! @nuge101235: "@JohnMcGuinnes: @nuge101235 What do you call a French man wearing sandals?.....Philippe Phillop" brilliant! @nuge101235: "@MattGray97: @nuge101235 What kind of computer sings? A dell." Give me the giggles that one!p @nuge101235: "@TomSouthall31: @nuge101235 what did the spainish fireman call his two sons? Jose A Jose B" qulaity @nuge101235: What do u call a guy with a rubber toe! Roberto! Yesssss! Last one! Decent!
Coventry City First time I heard this I ****ed myself. ****ing classic, oh **** my sides are killing me...... talk about...... no stop, stop I can´t, it´s to Oh the pain......
Apparently the 30 year old maths teacher found in France with a 15 year old pupil has claimed they were carrying out a field trip experiment to see how many times 30 can go into 15
The boss of a department in a business is having trouble deciding who to make redundant, he can either sack Claire or Jack, he ponders this for a good two hours before Claire approaches him and asks "why so glum, chum?". The boss replies saying "I have to lay you or Jack off, but I can't decide what to do". "Can't you just have a ****, I don't think shagging in the office is good do you?".
Still one of my favourites: It's Ted as the postie's last day, after 58 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a £500 in cash. At the second house, and old age pensioner presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of single malt whiskies. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When they had finished, they went downstairs where she fixed him the best full english breakfast he had ever had. While he was eating the breakfast, Ted noticed a pound coin next to his mug of tea. "All of this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what''s the pound for"? "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said, "Screw him. Give him a quid. The breakfast was my idea!"
There once lived a Frog who suffered from severe depression. His depressions were a result of the colour of his genitals being bright yellow, this made it very difficult for him to find himself a mate. So the Frog looked for assistance and was told to go to the Fairy Godmother's house on the edge of the Forest. Here he asked her if she could help him but she replied 'Sorry, dear, I can't do anything to help there. You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz'. So the Frog left full of optimism to the Wizard's house. The Fairy Godmother's next customer was a Bear. But unlike most bears who had brown paws he had bright purple ones which made it difficult to find a mate. Once again the Fairy Godmother said that she couldn't help and once again she said that the Wizard of Oz would help. The bear asked 'Where the hell does the Wizard of Oz live?' and the Fairy Godmother replied, 'just follow the Yellow Dick Toad'.
Three cowboys round a camp fire finish their beans and the conversation turns to women ans sex - in paricular positions - First cowboy says "I like the gal to go on top" Second cowboy says "That's mighty fine but I like to be in control - so it's good ol' missionary for me" Third cowboy says "You boys haven't lived until you try it rodeo" "Rodeo?" say the other two looking quizically "Sure" says the third guy "Just get her on all fours and get yourself in there - then reach under her and cup one of her titties in each hand - then say - these feel just like your sister's - and try and stay on board for three minutes!"
A vicar is out walking in the countryside and comes across a lake By the lake is a sad looking frog The vicar picks up the frog and asks why are you sad frog The frog replies "I am actually a choirboy and a wicked witch has turned me into a frog" Vicar says "how can I help" "If you take me home and give me love and affection I will turn back to a choirboy" says the frog So the vicar takes the frog home, takes it to his bed, cuddles and kisses the frog Then the frog turned into a choirboy in the vicar's bed And that your honour is the case for the defence
