The Geordie VOODOO Thread

We don't seem to be having much fortune at the moment, but if we were, what would that look (pun intended) like? Wishing malice on someone is, you're correct, undertaken by the lowest of the low, so welcome to this thread fellow scum-waddlers! Just joking, we're not wishing anything here.

For this thread you must name someone to be ensnared by an unfortunate circumstance (of your choosing, but with strict adherence to the rules below) which would be of advantage to our club!

Before anyone worries about Karma, this is purely hypothetical discourse. Hypothetical discourse never hurt anyone... It just closed a tabloid paper and made some D-list celebs feel a bit peeved.

The Three Rules
1. Wishing death on someone isn't funny or very grown-up... This is a mature thread thank you very much! .
2. No mentioning of families, that's not going to help us.
3. The unfortunate circumstances surrounding each individual mentioned on the thread must be different, no repeats.

I'll start...

Djibril Cisse getting his beard(thing) jammed in the coach doors on match day would be pretty fortunate for us!

 

Adel Tarrabt burns his lips on his faulty Hookah pipe on Saturday morning and is admitted to hospital for burns

 

Harry Redknapp gets imprisoned for tax evasion.

 

Yaya Toure gets stuck in the revolving doors at the teams Hotel on the 30th of March on our away game against them and can't be freed in time to play against us.

 

Steven Fletcher's pet micro pig plopping on his doormat, causing him to slip and slightly tweak his ankle on the way to catch the coach up to SJP for the derby.

 

Tevez drops what he thinks is a hard boiled easter egg on the day of our game against Citeh and stamps on it, but it's not boiled and he skids on it and turns his ankle and can't play against us.

Looks like it's going to be an injury prone Easter for Citeh.

 

@Cwarr07 suddenly losing internet connection at home would be fantastic... He'd either have to stop lying so much and possibly scaring off transfer targets, or he'd have to use Wifi spots amongst the general public... Wonder how long he'd last

 

A freak radiation leak at Greggs Moments in Newcastle leads to the Newcastle junior Physio being granted super healing powers that only work on our players.

 

Lets hope it loosens MA's grip on the cash and he'll give Pards unlimited funds to dive into the transfer market.

 

Ellis Short checking his bank accounts on the 31st of December and realising his nights spent scrambling over roofs in Sunderland dressed as a crime-fighting turd have bankrupted him (turd accessory belts aren't cheap... turd players aren't cheap either looking at their squad (and some of ours) ).

Tie this in with a Marty, who'll hold a disappointing conversation with Short on January the 1st as the transfer window opens...

 

I'm loving this thread

 

The QPR team coach driver turns out to be suffering from a rare form of dyslexia, which renders him incapable of navigating.
QPR were last seen somewhere north of Wick.

 

Michael Owen tweaing a hamstring in his next game, and getting paid for doing nowt!
Oh I forgot, he's done that somewhere before!

 

I hope whoever is handling the balls today (*cough* the Europa balls *cough*) gets cramp so we can't be drawn with anyone... Thus we can improve in the league and win the FA cup!

 

Colleen Rooney goes into labour early, mother and baby are both doing fine.
Wayne obviously has to pace up and down the maternity unit and sadly misses the match
Robin Van Percy being Colleen's nominated birthing partner, sadly misses the match also.

Man United make a muck up of the team sheet and propose to play
Rio Herdinand and Javier Fernandez, seeing as neither player actually exists, they are voided and banned.
Is that going to be enough ?

 

Not bad apart from the birthing partner, somehow I doubt RVP would have the the stomach for it, he'd probably just give Colleen a stick to bite on.

 

Add half of the Man Utd fans that actually live in Manchester and that should add another 50 or so names to the list.

 

Haha Gandalf likes this very much!

 

Jonas while preparing to leave his house, trips over his Nike bag and lands hard with his wrist caught in an awkward position. Out for the crucial game against QPR so we can start Marveaux.

 

Taarabt to eat too much cake tonight so that he feels crap tomorrow and plays badly..