A young Saints fan man named John received a parrot as an early Christmas present from his sailor friend from Portsmouth. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity and all directed at John's beloved Saints. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier, ruder and even more offensive. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and nasty comments about your football club. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour." and proceeded to sing Oh When the Saints go Marching in at the top of its voice. John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude and he was about to ask the parrot what had brought about such a dramatic change in its behaviour when the bird spoke up, very softly and said, "May I ask what the turkey did?" Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year one and all.
The turkey is plucked and ready for the oven!!!!?????......Get it now......he was put in the Freezer for being naughty and rude saw the turkey and thought it could happen to him if he didn't change his way......Oh blimey...Muuummmmm
Gilbert Gottfried jokes eh, here's one then This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to blast them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you. What do you mean? asked his wife. Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.
You mean to say this isn't an original composition but is in fact someone else's joke posted here without credit? And to think, I thought this kind of unscrupulous misappropriation was the exclusive preserve of the young. For shame, Godders!
How about this, Dick Shawn (people may remember him as Sylvester in "It's a mad mad mad mad world, one of the greatest films ever made imho) at Tommy Chong's (one half of Cheech and Chong) comedy roast. [video=youtube;Q-yOnVHA2no]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-yOnVHA2no[/video]
Pulled an old tart the other day & quickly got her in the back of my Rover 2000 (faux suede interior). She was up for anything and soon she was stripped naked, legs akimbo and begging me to lick her where it smells the worst... .... so I drove her Portsmouth. HAPPY ****ING CHRISTMAS
Weird . I went out with a girl once , she asked me to kiss her where it smelled fishy , so I drove her to Grimsby............
I was told that joke down the pub last night and had no idea that it was the work of anyone other than my mate Miserable Mike.
A more gentile Christmas themed one for you ... A Christmas Tradition One particular Christmas season, a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular elves so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her mom was coming to visit. This really stressed Santa! When he went to harness the reindeer he found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Becoming frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard he discovered the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke in to hundreds of little pieces, all over the kitchen floor. Santa went to get the broom and discovered that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and he began cussing on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just lovely? Where would you like me to stick it?" Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
OK, here's my favourite joke of all time. Someone told em this while I was in the car on hands free and I (genuinely) almost crashed; I was weeping with laughter. Cut and pasted because I can't type it all out: Thereâs this bloke and half his head is a giant orange. So he walks into a pub and says to the barman, âA pint of Guinness, pleaseâ. And the barman says, âcold or regular?â. So the bloke says âcoldâ, and the barman says âcoming right up and did you know half your head is a giant orange?â. So the bloke says âyes, I didâ and the barman says âwell I hope you donât mind me asking, but why is half your head a giant orange?â and the bloke says âwell Iâll tell you and hereâs the money, keep the change and have one yourselfâ. And the barman says âcheers, I willâ. So the bloke says âwell, I was out walking my dog in the park and the dog ran off and started scratching at some soil. And it uncovered a dusty lampâ. âBlimeyâ, says the barman, âwhat happened next?â. So the bloke says âwell, it was the usual story, a genie popped out and granted me three wishesâ. âWhat a stroke of luckâ, says the barman, âwhat did you wish for?â âWellâ, says the bloke, âfor my first wish, I wished that I was irresistible to women. In their eyes, I was a god and could do no wrongâ. So the barman says âBlimey, good wish, what happened?â. And the bloke says âwell, women were falling at my feet, I was with a different woman every night, I felt like the luckiest man alive, and can I have another pint, please?â âComing right upâ, says the barman, âwhat was your second wish?â âWellâ, says the bloke, âfor my second wish, I wished I had a magic wallet that contained a million pounds and every time I spent money out of it, it replenished itself, such that it always contained a million poundsâ âThatâs amazingâ, says the barman, âwere you popular?â. âIndeed I wasâ, says the man, âmy friends wanted for nothing, the drinks were always on me, I bought them holidays, I gave loads of money to charity, I always had new clothes, new suits. If I saw something I wanted, I could always afford it, it was incredibleâ. âThatâs extraordinaryâ, says the barman. âBut tell me, what was your third wish?â âWellâ, says the man, âfor my third wish, I wished half my head was a giant orangeâ.
Think the joke is that you are memorising what you are being told...as you do with all jokes. Then you expect a punchline where there is a misunderstanding...but there isn't one...he asked for a head like an orange. Hope that's made it hilarious for you
It's what's known as an anti-joke. I thought it was a good one. Another example which makes you expect a racist punchline: Why did the black man purchase two boxes of condoms? Because they were on sale and he practices safe sex.
I got the joke, but fwiw, I didn't find it funny either, StG. Just in case it was just me, I told it to someone else. They didn't find it funny either. It's a different era's humour.
