The barnsley joke page

I was talking to a sexy red head in the pub last night, wearing a low cut top and short tight skirt and high heels!

She said, "Aren't you cold dressed like that?"

 

I find my Wife really hard work sometimes.

For example, at the moment I've got her Tarmacking our Driveway

 

My missus has started a little job in the RNLI gift shop, part time, but I’m starting to wonder if it isn’t a bit more involved meteorologically.

I can’t help but notice some of the lads are relying on her to tell them if the coast is clear when she’s off duty.

 

My grandad was a very modest fella who refused to blow his own trumpet.

Lovely man.

But his time in the local brass band was understandably short-lived.

 

My friend spends six months of the year in the Arctic, and the other six months in Antartica.

I think he's Bi-Polar......

 

I've just seen a snowman in Tesco's.

He was in the vegetable aisle picking his nose......

 

An elderly couple, who had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

 

A Genie granted me one wish so I said I just want to be Happy.

Now I'm living in a cottage with 6 dwarves & working in a mine.....

 

Went into hospital recently.

The surgeon came to see me and said ‘it’s about time we got the ball rolling’.

Which is the last thing you want to hear when you’re having a vasectomy...

 

I was playing strip poker with the wife earlier and have to admit I was cheating like f*ck.

It was the only way I could get her to keep her clothes on.

 

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The waitress noticed me struggling to open the mini cornflake packet in the breakfast buffet.

"Just slide your finger between the flaps", she suggested.

That finished badly..... On bail till my court appearance

 

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